Friday, January 11, 2008

When You Know It's Time To Switch Lines At Rite Aid

This actually happened about a half an hour ago --

We were at our local Rite Aid, buying this and that, looking at the already insanely stocked Valentine's Day displays and Spider-Man mask chocolates in heart boxes.

Then we go to checkout. The prim middle-aged lady with the gigantic glasses and sensible shoes in front of us is returning one of these:

It's an Acu Vibe "personal massager," available at the "health" section of Rite Aid.

She says to the clerk,

"Yes, I'd like to return this; it didn't work the way I wanted it to."

"What exactly was the problem?"

"It didn't work the way I wanted it to."

The clerk looks skeptically at the box, which has apparently been torn open at the edges. The lady pokes at the soft part of the massager to make her point.

"Was a part broken," the clerk asks.

"It didn't work the way I wanted it to."

"...I'm not sure we can accept returns on these."

"It didn't work the way I wanted it to."

"Do you have a receipt?"



"It just didn't work the way I wanted to."

You know, back when I was a kid, the only "respectable" place you could get these "personal massagers" were in those Fingerhut-type catalogs. But now traditional "big box" drug stores have totally embraced this market.

As a side note, you can get these awesome Valentine's Day toy cellphones with candy inside and buttons that really beep. But something tells me I'm getting the Spider-Man mask chocolates.


  1. Awesomely awesome awesome.

  2. Bahaha. I love random and bizarre conversations in shops. Here's one I overheard in Burger King when King Kong was all over the place:

    "Yes sir, what can I get you?"

    "I'd like you to kong my whopper, please".


    "Kong my whopper?"




    "Like that, down there? On the poster? You can kong my whopper..."

    "...what's a kong?"

    ".............cheeseburger please".

  3. i want everyone to kong my whopper, all the time. new phrase of the day. so far "steampunk parademon" & "kong my whopper" are the best things i've ever seen in the comments of any blog, anywhere.

    (i continue to hate the word blog)

  4. I seriously hope the return was not accepted. Probably TMI, but when I was in graduate school, I spent a shameful four months making money by working retail at a porn shop. We always made it clear that there would be no returns on such items, however, we were required to ask if they wanted us to put batteries in and test them. It was always a nightmare to phrase that. "Would you like me to test this out for you?" Ugh, the STARES we would get.

  5. totally. at the walgreen's by me they have a WHOLE aisle of lube and such.

    they even sell elbow grease, which is predominately used for fisting.

    course i live in the gayborhood but stills!

  6. I feel you would be doing your readers a favor if you gave the address of said Rite Aid.

  7. "...what's a kong?"

    ".............cheeseburger please".

    best line ever.

  8. Well that's revolting.

    And amusing.

    And...why can't it be both?

    Send that lady to Babeland!

  9. Did she try holding it down with her foot while she yanked the starter cord...?

    That usually helps. Don't ask me how I know...

  10. they even sell elbow grease, which is predominately used for fisting.

    So that is what I was supposed to be using to clean the shower with all these years. Huh!

    On a tangent: Two of my four local corner stores rack gay porn right alongside the regular porn. This makes me proud.