Tuesday, September 18, 2007

My Fake Psychic Gossip Powers Are True! Give Me Money!

Senor G. has just brought to my attention an old "fake comics psychic" thing I did for my old "Kamikaze Girl" column for Silver Bullet Comics a couple of years ago.

And I was actually right on some of them!

Let's see...

1) The Ultimates Universe gets merged with the standard Marvel Universe.
This remains inconclusive. Still could happen.

2. Ultimate Nick Fury fights the regular Nick Fury and the Ultimate Fury wins, thereby installing Samuel Jackson firmly in the Marvel U.
Like prediction #1, still could happen.

“Rebooting” Superman & Spiderman so their marriages never happened. Let’s face it, true believers--once a major superhero gets hitched, all those classic stories featuring horny alien women and cat fights between Lois and Lana get seriously flummoxed. Sure, you could have Peter or Clark “cheat” -- and risk having America’s Heroes look like douchebags. This is why Captain America is unmarried (his unhealthy obsession with Bucky & Rick Jones also perhaps playing a role). On top of this, you have unmarried Supes & Spidey in the movies & TV--where’s the synergy? The easy solution in Marvel’s case would be--make Ultimate Spiderman be the new “official” Spiderman. I can’t exactly see how the Supes reboot would work--unless you had some sort of...*infinite crisis* in his life.
--I AM A GENIUS!!!!!!!!!!!!

4. The John Byrne "Doom Patrol" ends with it being just one of Crazy Jane's delusions, "Newhart"-style.
Of course, that's not how it ended at all...though I doubt you will see that
muti-armed ape any time soon.

5. Eric Powell's "The Goon" gets optioned as a movie or MTV-style cartoon.
ll think this will happen.

6. The whole Emma Frost fad dies.
Well, doesn't take a psychic to see "character overkill."

7. Prince Namor goes back to being the enemy of humans everywhere, Golden Age style.
Has this happened yet? It would be interesting.

8. T.H.U.N.D.E.R. Agents get revived.
Just a matter of time.

9. "Comics Musical Chairs. This is based on the model that everybody in the industry ends up working for The Big Two plus several other companies at least once. So how about Alan Moore at Marvel? Johnny Romita Jr. exclusive to DC? If Didio & Quesada changed places, would that be analogous to the 2012 polar shift? And where does Bill Jemas fit into all this? Or Jim Shooter? Or Kevin Dooley? Or that guy who did that “Answer Man” column? And how many weeks before the event will the news find its way into Rich Johnston’s column? And what about that new car? I want my new car, damnit!"
Yes, where DOES Jim Shooter fit in all this. Muh-ha-ha-ha-ha!

10. "
What would be more likely--Bart Allen or Barry Allen becoming the new Flash?"
Wow, this one sort of came true and went full circle, didn't it?

11. Hawkeye is Xorn.
Okay, this one was crap. BUT HAWKEYE WAS RONIN, DON'T FORGET!

12. "
Okay...wait a, Hawkeye is definitely NOT Xorn. But you know that eventually, homey’s coming back. Sooner rah-ther than later. Comics these days don’t got the attention span to pull a Barry Allen and leave an iconic character dead for 25 years. And that’s the name of THAT tune!"

13. "
Four words: “The Essential Son of Satan”. "
Of course, I was right.

14. The manga craze dies out.
Okay, give me another couple years.

15. Frank Miller makes "All Star Batman & Robin" a dirty book.
I was right! But my theory regarding Batman & Robin posing for d**k shots while kissing was indeed FALSE!

16. "
Dan Slott becomes the new Brian Michael Bendis."
Well, the old boy is writing "Amazing Spider-Man" with John Romita Jr. I'm just saying.

17. "
Legion of the Superheroes becomes an anime-influenced cartoon, a la “Teen Titans” but with more of a “Battle of the Planets” vibe."


18. Charles Schulz comes back from the dead and orders Seth to stop reinking his "lost" panels. This did not happen, at least that I am aware.

So there you have it. My keen powers of fake psychic artistry proved to be an unstoppable force of earth-shattering fake proportions. Wow!


  1. Wow, thats pretty crazy how much of that came true. I actually remember the original post (does that make me a bigger nerd than i think i am?) for these.

    Hopefully the crappy manga fad dies out. There is a tremendous amount of high quality manga that gets lumped in with stuff like Dragon Ball Z and Pokemon and so on. I hope the huge glut of terrible, generic manga doesnt sour you onto a genre that is far larger than the US comic industry and is one of the major pasttimes of adults and children in Japan. Everyone reads them there adn there are millions of different books per year coming out compared to the niche minority here. Im not usually a champion of manga, but hopefully you arent judging a huge industry with variou sdifferent genres based on the relatively small market offerings they bring out in America.

  2. I am actually predicting that I will be replacing Joe Quesada at Marvel very soon. Which will be a real shocker to the industry considering how I have no editorial experience.

  3. Hey thom, if you're replacing Quesada, keep me in mind for a Cloak & Dagger relaunch! ;)

  4. Anonymous4:51 PM

    I predict Dan Didio will have been the Anti-Monitor all along.

    Yes, I'm beating a dead horse. Shut up! ^_^