My Fake Psychic Comics Gossip Column -the humor edition

Welcome, trendseekers, to another edition of my big fat fake psychic comics gossip column!

My fake psychic abilities -- or spider-sense, if you will -- have told me that in an effort to stop leaked spoilers for "One More Day," Marvel Comics has decided to close down the Internet.


In other phony news, it has been announced that Zuda, DC's webcomic initiative, have, in the interest of "full disclosure," posted not only the contracts for their creators but their names, addresses, Social Security #, blood type, and MySpace passwords. In the interest of "full disclosure" DC is also working on getting those Area 51 documents and just as soon as they do, they will be sure to post them as well.


Hey, what about that Green Arrow, huh? I always knew that loudmouth Black Canary was also...A PAIN IN THE NECK!


Those crazy Swedish cartoonists who brought you Muhammad in various degrading images are back again, my fake insiders within the world of European comic art have told me. This time, they will be drawing naked pictures of yo momma. But that's okay, because it's all in fun.


Speaking of those damn high-brow intellectual comics, my cards are indicating to me that Dan Clowes will be asked by Hustler magazine to do a series of highly erotic pictures of flaccid pale white men standing in darkened doorways with existentialist expressions on their faces.



This just in: my fake moles within the DC Comics reprints division have said that plans to do an omnibus-sized hardcover slipcase edition of "Visionary: The Best Of Judd Winick" are in the works. It will come out right after a hardcover reprinting Dan Didio's run on "Superboy."


And finally, a rash of Steve Ditko sightings have been reported all across the country. Hundreds of reports of an unassuming older man in glasses and a suit who had created Spider-Man are flooding into local police precincts and media outlets every week. Cattle have been mutilated. Samples taken from the cattle indicate some sort of radioactive material. Cows are giving birth to eight-armed calves with superior strength and reflexes. The national guard have been called in. Taxi cabs are turning into giant-sized robots. It's a f**king mess.

Well, that's all the fake comic book gossip we have for now. Please come again.

My Fake Psychic Gossip Powers Are True! Give Me Money!

Senor G. has just brought to my attention an old "fake comics psychic" thing I did for my old "Kamikaze Girl" column for Silver Bullet Comics a couple of years ago.

And I was actually right on some of them!

Let's see...

1) The Ultimates Universe gets merged with the standard Marvel Universe.
This remains inconclusive. Still could happen.


2. Ultimate Nick Fury fights the regular Nick Fury and the Ultimate Fury wins, thereby installing Samuel Jackson firmly in the Marvel U.
Like prediction #1, still could happen.

3. “Rebooting” Superman & Spiderman so their marriages never happened. Let’s face it, true believers--once a major superhero gets hitched, all those classic stories featuring horny alien women and cat fights between Lois and Lana get seriously flummoxed. Sure, you could have Peter or Clark “cheat” -- and risk having America’s Heroes look like douchebags. This is why Captain America is unmarried (his unhealthy obsession with Bucky & Rick Jones also perhaps playing a role). On top of this, you have unmarried Supes & Spidey in the movies & TV--where’s the synergy? The easy solution in Marvel’s case would be--make Ultimate Spiderman be the new “official” Spiderman. I can’t exactly see how the Supes reboot would work--unless you had some sort of...*infinite crisis* in his life.
--I AM A GENIUS!!!!!!!!!!!!

4. The John Byrne "Doom Patrol" ends with it being just one of Crazy Jane's delusions, "Newhart"-style.
Of course, that's not how it ended at all...though I doubt you will see that muti-armed ape any time soon.

5. Eric Powell's "The Goon" gets optioned as a movie or MTV-style cartoon.
Still think this will happen.

6. The whole Emma Frost fad dies.
Well, doesn't take a psychic to see "character overkill."

7. Prince Namor goes back to being the enemy of humans everywhere, Golden Age style.
Has this happened yet? It would be interesting.

8. T.H.U.N.D.E.R. Agents get revived.
Just a matter of time.


9. "Comics Musical Chairs. This is based on the model that everybody in the industry ends up working for The Big Two plus several other companies at least once. So how about Alan Moore at Marvel? Johnny Romita Jr. exclusive to DC? If Didio & Quesada changed places, would that be analogous to the 2012 polar shift? And where does Bill Jemas fit into all this? Or Jim Shooter? Or Kevin Dooley? Or that guy who did that “Answer Man” column? And how many weeks before the event will the news find its way into Rich Johnston’s column? And what about that new car? I want my new car, damnit!"
Yes, where DOES Jim Shooter fit in all this. Muh-ha-ha-ha-ha!

10. "What would be more likely--Bart Allen or Barry Allen becoming the new Flash?"
Wow, this one sort of came true and went full circle, didn't it?

11. Hawkeye is Xorn.
Okay, this one was crap. BUT HAWKEYE WAS RONIN, DON'T FORGET!


12. "Okay...wait a minute...no, Hawkeye is definitely NOT Xorn. But you know that eventually, homey’s coming back. Sooner rah-ther than later. Comics these days don’t got the attention span to pull a Barry Allen and leave an iconic character dead for 25 years. And that’s the name of THAT tune!"
HA! GENIUS!

13. "Four words: “The Essential Son of Satan”. "
Of course, I was right.

14. The manga craze dies out.
Okay, give me another couple years.

15. Frank Miller makes "All Star Batman & Robin" a dirty book.
I was right! But my theory regarding Batman & Robin posing for d**k shots while kissing was indeed FALSE!

16. "Dan Slott becomes the new Brian Michael Bendis."
Well, the old boy is writing "Amazing Spider-Man" with John Romita Jr. I'm just saying.

17. "Legion of the Superheroes becomes an anime-influenced cartoon, a la “Teen Titans” but with more of a “Battle of the Planets” vibe."


AH-HA!

18. Charles Schulz comes back from the dead and orders Seth to stop reinking his "lost" panels. This did not happen, at least that I am aware.

So there you have it. My keen powers of fake psychic artistry proved to be an unstoppable force of earth-shattering fake proportions. Wow!

My Fake Psychic Comic Book Gossip Column

Welcome to my latest edition of my fake psychic comic book gossip column!!!

Here you can get all the news that is wrong that I made up for non-sueable reasons of parody and mirth.

RUMOR BARRIER ZONE!!!!!!

"World War Hulk Shocking Twist!"
My fake comic book insiders gave me all the poop on the ending to "World War Hulk." Apparently, it is a finale of M. Night Shyamalan proportions.

"The Hulk morphs into Granny Goodness at the end of issue #6," my imaginary informer told me. "It's a pretty cheap joke, but that's all I got."

Warren Ellis! Whee!
Have you heard of the new "Geo Force" series Dan Didio hired Warren Ellis to write? Me neither.

Didio's Least WantedSpeaking of Dan Didio, the big gossip that never went around the Baltimore Con concerned Didio's irrational hatred of the beloved superman character Krypto, and his secret plans to kill off the famous pooch.

"Dan said that Krypto was extraneous to the Superman mythos," a mole within DC told a friend of a friend of some guy. "He feels that the core 'Superman' characters should be Superman, Lois Lane, Lex Luthor, and of course Otis."

Will Warner Bros. allow Didio to kill off this historically important cash cow, er I mean, canine? With Frank Miller reportedly signed up to write and draw the upcoming miniseries "Old Yeller II: Dogs in Capes," it might be that the days are numbered for Superman's other best friend.

Hell Has Froze Over!It's been alleged by some parties who will remain not only nameless but non-existent that there actually might be a Marvel comic out this month that doesn't show Tony Stark being confronted & beaten up.

A "Legion" of Fans
My incredible fake psychic power are telling me that Jim Shooter's return to the DC halls was met with great whoops of joy -- and a special party held in his honor!

My crystal bowling ball is showing me all the DCU editors waiting at the entrance of the 1700 Broadway building to escort Jim personally up to their 6th floor headquarters, using a step-ladder to put flower-strewn leis around his neck and offering him a humidor.

"Our official building policy requires no smoking," one DC staffer never told Shooter with a knowing wink, "but f**k it, I love you."

Mouse TrapA little birdy told me in a fevered dream of fakery that the rodents from Archaia Press's "Mouse Guard" and Image's "Mice Templar" are currently feuding. Mrs. Frisby was unavailable for comment.

Finally,
This just in: Mark Millar is set to rewrite the Bible with Bryan Hitch!

Well, that's all the time we have for his installment of my fake comic book gossip column.

We leave you with a few words from Don Rickles & Orson Welles: