Skrulls Among us?!

The latest "New Avengers" had me thinking...

Is there really a whole nefarious underground of Skrulls impersonating human beings?

Here are some contenders:

"Oh Geez..." Part Deux"Edith, I don't understan' dese crazy kids today, what wit their dead baby suits...get me a beer!"

Hortense Savage, outspoken blogger and head of the "Dead Baby Anti-Defamation League," said that "Countdown" is DC's "Blood Diamonds" -- whatever that means.

Radical Pro-Lifers aren't sure if the above image is a "plus" or a "minus" in terms of spreading the word against abortion. Awaiting news from Pat Robertson.

Meanwhile, Zombie Mary Jane had this to say: "Hurrrrrrraggggh..."

I have to go clean myself now.

"Oh, Geez..."From Wizard Universe, "This Week On Countdown"

"On her first night back on patrol, Mary Marvel stumbles across an occult gathering of pregnant women singing an Echo and the Bunnymen song around a floating, glowing rock (no, we did not make this up). Then, the chant summons a demon whose body is composed of infant corpses. (Seriously? No, we’re not joking here…SERIOUSLY?!?) After a bit of debate, the demon decides he’d like to eat Mary...Mary Marvel throws a Buick at Dead-Baby Monster. Then they get zapped by lightning somehow. Then the cops come to arrest Dead-Baby Monster."

Tim/Dick Fic

Excerpts from the fanfic, "Not Thinking," written by "Amarin Rose" & found on Fanfiction.net:

"Tim isn’t thinking about the fact that Dick keeps trying to…hug…him. He isn’t thinking about the fact that Dick keeps ruffling his hair – even though it doesn’t really ruffle all that well, what with the hair gel he uses in his Robin guise – and giving him noogies, and punching him on the arm, and…He isn’t thinking about any of those things by themselves, because he’s brooding over the more encompassing and only slightly vague thought that Dick. Keeps. Touching. Him."

Tim/Dick fic. Hm.

It feels a little *squicky."

I'm not opposed to "slash" (same-sex love) fan fiction, but I think there should be a little bit of plausibility. Even if Dick Grayson was gay, even if he was attracted to Tim, he would never do anything quite so squicky as what is detailed in this short fic. He would respect Tim, because he is in the position of "mentor" to the boy in a way, someone to trust.

How old is Tim supposed to be in this story? If he is underage, is this fic kind of...I don't know, sort of really really wrong? Like the Harry/Snape fics (or, Hermione/Snape, take your pick)?

Then again, is the point of the story that: since it is from solely Tim's point of view, he's just sort of *imagining" Dick really has these intentions? Like Dick is innocently doing stuff and Tim is interpreting it all from the P.O.V. of his man-crush?

"Half an hour’s thought yields a plan that makes Tim smirk, the same way that Bruce does every time he’s laid the perfect Catwoman bait. He knows exactly how he’s going to start flirting back with Dick. Next time they’re at the Clocktower, and Dick starts juggling with Babs’ beanie Bats, Tim will make the Nightwing and Robin III beanies kiss, with a pointed look at Dick. Just to see what he does."

I like Arsensal/Nightwing fic better, personally. Or anything with Angel/Spike.

"Blood Diamonds?"

Does this cover to the 5th printing of the "Marvel Zombies" hardcover deserve the term "Blood Diamond" -- as Chris Butcher refers to it in his blog:

"Did you ever see the movie about the blood diamonds? This is what you’re really paying for when you buy any Marvel comic."

Things heated up on the Newsarama blog comments section about Butcher's commentary:

"Ah, the always reliable “I’ve got nothing worthwhile to bitch about” rant of the week."
-- Drew Clements

"So, seriously, what is going on with Marvel fans? Is it really that an extreme attachment to the status quo? Is it a fear of girl cooties from women in the comic book store if you didn’t put up signals to deter them from entering? Is it a combination of things? Did a redheaded supermodel run over someone’s puppy? Do you guys have stock in the company?"
--Lisa Fortuner

"It never fails to amuse when people complain Mary Jane is not being portrayed wholesome enough... It’s not like this is the same character who had to claim the lingerie photoshoot she did professionally were actually private photos by Peter to keep Aunt May from having a coronary seeing them. Oh wait, it is."
--Niels van Eekelen

"That cover is fun like no one's business."
--Sean McKeever

"Graeme- I do appreciate the hits, but man did you send a lot of fucktards my way this morning. I… I kind of want to start a meme to explain feminism to people, sort of like the LOLCATS thing. I’ll just get pictures of women who’ve been beat up, or killed, really violent and terrible photos, and put “MARVEL COMICS: THIS IS TEH SEXX0RZ” on them or something, see if they get it then."
--Chris Butcher

"I think the whole Marvel Zombie thing has been done with some wit and an eye towards black humor and this seems in keeping with that. I get why people are offended, however, and can understand their displeasure (I hated that ridiculous HFH cover myself to no end). But I do have a hard time finding any outrage for a cover that is clearly meant to be in bad taste, and is also quite well executed."
--Gail (Simone?)

As for what I think...

I see where Butcher was coming from, but throwing in the "blood diamonds" analogy really hurts his argument because it is exaggerated and inappropriate to the subject matter at hand. Equating this cover to a real-world situation of forced labor, death, and extreme human suffering borders on hysteria. Calling people who disagree with you "fucktards" probably isn't so great in terms of maintaining a dialogue either.

Linking the cover to the specific teen book "Mary Jane" is kind of awkward, but I don't find the cover particularly sexualized or promoting sexual violence towards women. Okay, her boobies are a little bigger. But Hank Pym eating Black Panther's leg or The Hulk eating his own intestines seem to be more hardcore than size C+ boobies.

On another note, "Marvel Zombies" is a fucking awesome book. 'Cause I like zombies. "Brainssss!"

What I Bought This Week

Short and sweet, sans commentary, here's what I bought:

Strangers in Paradise #90
Justice #12
World War Hulk #1 (awsommmmmmme!!!!)
Amazing Spider-Girl #9
Avengers Classics #1
Countdown #Whatever the Heck It Is (47? we're counting backwards?)
Magik #1
India Authentic #2: Kali
Detective Comics #833
Legion of Superheroes In the 31st Century #2 (the cartoon)
Betty & Veronica Double Digest #152

As the guy at the checkout line said, "hm! an eclectic mix!" Indeed!

As for the "Planet Hulk" hardcover...

I'm gonna hafta save my dimes.

An "Oh My God"
Sort Of Comic Book Panel

Ah, the Seventies! It's why I buy those "Essential" editions.
(found via Machine Gun Rain)

Varking With Val:
So Long, Acclaim Comics

(I was inspired to write this after reading Andy Schmidt's "Goodbye To Marvel" column. Of course, what I'm writing is silly, damned silly)

Varking With Val
vol. 1,
April 25, 1998
Copyright Val Your Pal, 1998

Leaving Acclaim Comics

I was a girl with a dream -- making it in the comic book industry. Living in New York my whole life, what the hell sort of excuse did I have not to? I mean, I suck at Finance. So when a co-worker told me that she was banging the president of Valiant (soon to be Acclaim) Comics, I saw it as a golden opportunity. That was about two-and-a-half years ago. As I write this, I am watching "Ricki Lake" at 4:00 in the afternoon shoving little tiny powdered donuts in my mouth. I'm unemployed.

For the past couple of days, I’ve been ignoring the e-mails and phone calls from the freelancers whom I worked with on a day to basis. A lot of the subject headings on the e-mails are like "WTF?" and "is my book cancelled?" After I am done shoving the little powdered donuts in my mouth I will assure them that if their books are not one of the 75% that are being axed then it will be taken up by one of the two editors who are being retained and relocated to Long Island. Other than that, I gots nuthin'.

Our Editor-In-Chief said he knew this day was coming one day and was sad to see me go. He gave me a really boss letter of recommendation that I hope I can milk and reuse for years to come. He also said I can take with me as many copies of Turok #1 as I want.

The staff, talented writers, artists and colorists I've met at Acclaim have each taught me something new about comics and only served to deepen my love for the medium. But most of all, we had a lot of fun drinking at the Triple Crown, wearing sombreros, and beating each other silly with foam bats.

Oh, what happened to that dream of mine? Why am I leaving? Believe me, that’s a question I’ve been asking myself often as well as God and Miss Cleo. Well basically, are books really weren't making enough money to justify the continued employment of most of our staff. That's ok, I understand. Comic books aren't making a shitload of money at the moment. I get it. Really. Well that, and the "Quantum & Woody" Goat in-action figures really screwed us over.

Two independent desires have conspired against my editorial career. The first is that of my Mom, who wanted me to be a doctor. She always considered my time at Acclaim as a "school project." With the pay I was making at the time, I really couldn't convince her otherwise. But there is another reason, besides the awesome financial collapse of the Acclaim comic book division, that has led me away from comics' hallowed halls.

Since I was in high school, I’ve loved being a dominatrix. It's good exercise, builds self-esteem, and the guys really dig it. Of course, I'm not doing it for the mere enjoyment of the Patriarchy, but for my own edification. I can (I hope) earn an income domming on a freelance basis, or at the very least maybe be a rodeo clown.

I’ve also been asked if I’m really ready to leave Acclaim. The answer to that is "hells no." I have like $300 in the bank and only type with one hand. Maybe the unopened boxes of "Batman the Movie" cereal that I socked away might bail me out a little bit, either on the secondary collector's market or simply as food. That said, I’m thrilled to say that I really haven't fell into a morbid depression or anything. I have to hang on to find out what happens on Xena, X-Files, and Buffy. And there are also all those little powdered donuts to be eaten. I'm really filling that red leather halter dress with the spikes out rather nicely.

I could go on and on about all the nonexistent projects I could plug, and how I'm not bitter, and all that. But I'm not really bitter. There is just no money in this industry, no stability, and I'm through with it. I'm never going back to comics again. Ever.

Goodbye, Comics. Hello, bright new future.

The best is yet to come.

Val

P.S.: If anyone would like to buy some "Valiant Voyeurs" or an issue of "Turok" #1, please contact me.

"Bad Girl"

Is there anything hotter than taking a character known for her virginal innocence and filling her with darkness and evil?

I see nothing wrong with these plotlines per se. Provided that the writers don't go the route of making "Dark" Mary Marvel not just "bad" but "naughty schoolgirl" bad.

I mean, with Willow on "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" she turned bad but not into a nymphomaniac. On the other hand, I'm not sure of what happened in the comics, but in the X-Men 3 movie Phoenix/Jean Grey seemed not only "badddd" -- she was horny.

"I'm not bad, I'm just drawn that way."

"Bad" seems to have two different meanings when referring to female characters. No such ambiguity, as far as I know, follows Luthor, Doom, or the Mole Man around.

Here's Jerry Ordway's take on the whole Mary Marvel/"Seduction of the Innocent" storyline, from Comic Book Resources (via Fanboy Wonder)

“I had issues with the time that Peter David “borrowed” Mary Marvel for a Supergirl crossover, and immediately wanted to have her sexually molested in his story. Then Keith Giffen wanted her to lose her virginity in Formerly Known as the Justice League! Now it looks like the movement to gritty Mary up are finally getting their way in Countdown.

“I know there are fans out there who are disdainful of any character who is wholesome and good, and dream of dragging that character through the mud just for spite. I go to comic stores, and have heard it all.

“As to the dark Mary Marvel– it’s just playing into a few fans’ hands. Whether it turns out well or not will play out in Countdown. I have 3 kids who like different stuff, and variety makes the world go round, but I do steer them clear of most of the mainstream comics.

“They can read what they want when they are older, but I have introduced them to appropriate material first. But having every comic book feature dark, moody and self-centered teens or adults is shortchanging the marketplace of positive, heroic, self sacrificing HEROES. With dark, you must have some light. The Marvel Family and Superman were heroes to look up to, because they did the right thing, even when that choice meant sacrifice from them.

“I’m no prude, but if you want to “violate” the intent of a character, create a new damn character, will you? Just my opinion.”

Elayne Riggs, You Rock!

You just do.

The rest of the people at Comic Mix are pretty cool too.

How The Sopranos Should Have Ended

"WWE Chairman Vince McMahon Presumed Dead "

"A night originally designated Mr. McMahon Appreciation Night turned deadly when the WWE Chairman’s limousine burst into a fiery explosion just moments after Mr. McMahon stepped into it. Permanently uprooting the world of sports-entertainment, the Chairman has been presumed dead in Wilkes-Barre, Pa.

"Local authorities stated it was still too early to declare anything as fact, including exactly what caused the explosion, but described the blast as an apparent “car bombing.” They also revealed that as of 11:30 p.m. ET, no body had been recovered from the incinerated wreckage."

I used to follow this professional wrestling stuff since I was eight. It's as about as real as $15 Prada bag. But this takes the cake.

"As the physical body of Mr. McMahon remains to be uncovered, perhaps the most perplexing piece to this puzzle is the Chairman’s uncanny, almost clairvoyant premonition of tonight’s grim events. Over the last few weeks on WWE programming, the swaggering, well-off billionaire seemed to unravel right before the eyes of millions. Speaking of a threatening presence that lurked in his foreseeable future, Mr. McMahon even cited the looming of a “black cloud” last week – a cloud very similar to the post-combustive smoke that billowed above his limousine tonight."

I mean, can you imagine if the world of comics had the sort of over-the-top drama as professional wrestling?

"Sources say that given the nature of the apparent car bombing, under law federal authorities will be called in for a more thorough investigation that would supersede local Pennsylvania authorities."

You would have Quesada & Didio challenging each other to grudge matches at the San Diego Comic Con. Then the roof of the convention center would open up and Didio would escape using a pair of robotic batwings...or a small helicopter with the words "buy Countdown!" emblazoned on the sides.

Bendis versus Slott in the steel cage match! Face front true believers!

Here is "actual footage" of the explosion, by the way.

"We Shall Overcome" Quote #127:

"And I'll believe that Marvel and DC treat their characters, and their fans, equally only when I see that gay Batman statue on the shelves next to Mary Jane's butt."

-- Layla Lawlor, in the Sequential Tart article, "Marvel Presents Hawt Tentacle Porn"

"Veronica Mars" -- A New Life At DC Comics?

Via Newsarama:
"In an interview with Diane Kristine at Blogcritics, series creator Rob Thomas reveals he’s been in talks with DC Comics to bring Veronica & Co. to comics, which would allow him to use the planned fourth-season storylines."

If they're going to do this, they should put it out in that "Minx"/manga-sized format. I would have enjoyed Dark Horse's "Buffy" more in that format. 'Cause, as David the G knows, I'm a trade paperback snob. ;-p

"Katie, You Ignorant Slut"

Dan Rather has been quoted on the MSNBC "Morning Joe" show as saying,

"I want to make clear that I have nothing against Katie Couric at all. She’s a very nice person and I have a lot of friends at CBS News. However, it was clear at the time and I think it has become even clearer that the mistake was to try to bring the ‘Today’ ethos to the evening news and to dumb it down, tart it up, in hopes of attracting a younger audience."

I find the phrase "tart it up" interesting. What does "tart" refer to? Or whom?

He might as well have said Katie "slutted" up the news.

Unfortunately, had CBS really sought to "tart up" the news and bring in a va-va-va-voom Paula Zahn/Mary Hart type, say, in her early 30s, the ratings for the Evening News probably would have been better. It's the "Anderson Cooper" formula -- 'cause he's hot.

So yeah, I agree with some of what Rather is saying. But when he says "tarted up," I can't help but see it as a dig at Couric herself. Which is beneath him.

Can They Just Make "Justice" The Official JLA Book?

I mean, I was sitting here thinking about it...

I tried to give the current "JLA" a chance, but I really can't get into it. I don't know if it's because of the crossover with 2,000 characters in it, or the covers, or just that I don't feel any sort of emotional response to these stories.

This isn't a bash because of "Identity Crisis." I bought four damn issues of "JLA" in a row. I just don't get it. It's to the point that I couldn't read the latest issue of Justice Society either because I hated that crossover story so much.

Wasn't there a line in one of the current "JLA" books that was like "It's time for us to be HEROES again" -- maybe JLA, or maybe one of those Crisis/52 things.

At any rate --

You can't systematically undermine the heroism of your superhero team and then have them turn around and "decide" that they are going to be heroes again.

No, how it really works is as follows:

Iron Man stops being a hero. He acts like a dick and pisses a lot of people off.

Then the Hulk beats him unconscious. Then maybe Thor knocks out all his teeth.

After sitting in a wheelchair for a while, completely brought low and humiliated, Tony Stark begins, like Paris Hilton, to see God.

Now he decides: "It's time to be a hero again."

*That* I can believe.

As for "Justice" being the official "JLA" book, why the hell not? It's full of that patented Alex Ross "awe of superheroes" goodness, and, in the end, that has really been the selling point of DC's characters.

DC superheroes trade off of the "awe" factor -- their stock-in-trade, what they do best, is being icons of Heroism.

DC superheroes trying to be "bad" and "edgy" and all that is the equivalent of an adolescent Natalie Portman dancing around to Madonna songs in her underwear in "The Professional." It looks as awkward as hell.

Show Me Love And Buy My Shirts

I've finally got the T-shirt store up --

Choose between the nifty art at the header of this blog or impress your friends with the nifty "Vicki Victim" design!

Whether you're a fan of the blog, a fan of women in comics, a fan both of my blog and women in comics, or maybe just my blog and not so much women in comics, whatever the reason, you really should check this stuff out!

Tell your friends!

And remember...

Nothing says "Sexy" like an official Occasional Superheroine T-shirt!

Signs You're Getting Too Into "World War Hulk"

David the G: "You know, Tony doesn't look too happy in those preview pages."

Me: "Well, 'cause when Hulk comes back to Earth he's going to beat the s**t out of him. I hope Hulk beats the s**t out of Iron Man and gives him what-for."

David the G: "And then of course Thor will be coming back and be none-too-pleased."

Me: "Yeah, Thor will be visiting Tony in the hospital after the Hulk gets through with him. I hope he smacks him in the head with that f**king Mee-jonah hammer, smacks him right upside the f**king head."

Pausing for a second. Muttering under my breath,

"That Tony Stark...what a damn poo-poo head."

That pretty much sums up all of "Civil War" --

"TONY STARK = DAMN POO-POO HEAD"

And Reed's not looking that good either.

"Let Them Watch Basic Cable"

Wow, nothing really changes does it? A rich blond society superstar is barricaded in her posh mansion, the authorities and media surrounding her compound and banging on the doors. The public, on message boards and blog posts, call for "her head," that she be brought to justice, that she suffer in the most painful and humiliating of ways. Not a few have called for her rape in prison. I don't know if Marie had to face that, to face scores of internet trolls fantasizing about her brutal jailhouse rape. But still -- nothing really changes, does it?

Keep your head, Paris!

"GIRLS: WE HATE YOU AND WE HAVE NO INTEREST IN YOUR BUSINESS"

Is this, as posited by Douglas Wolk in The Huffington Post, true? Does the comic book industry hate girls and do they have no interest in their $$$?

Well, if there is one thing I have learned in business it's that there is always interest in $$$. I just don't buy that the male-dominated comic book industry would be so anti-woman, so zealously protective of their Rocketship Clubhouse, that they would purposely turn away dollars.

But also, it depends on what genre of comic book you're talking about.

There is a push in the industry now to put out girl-friendly comics to compete with manga. That is because there is an in$entive to do so. There are proven numbers of female readers buying this stuff.

But the jury is still out as to whether there is a solid potential female readership for mainstream superhero comics.

However.

I think now is the time to gamble with the idea of putting out mainstream capes-and-tights comics either targeted directly towards women or towards both genders (more or less) equally.

Because if you've got women enjoying the Spiderman & X-Men & Fantastic Four movies...well, I don't see how big the leap is from that to comics.

I'm not appealing to high-falutin' notions of ethics or feminist philosophy.

The women are watching the superhero movies. And Pirates of the Caribbean. And the Lord of the Rings Stuff.

So:

$$$$

That's what I would tell the titans of comic book industry in regards to courting female audiences.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

To Report Or Not To Report

In the first issue of the 1983 limited series "The Falcon," written by Christopher Priest, a young woman is almost raped in an alley. The Falcon breaks it up. The girl wants to report the attempted rape, but The Falcon explains to her and her father that if they turn the perp into the police, he will not get rehabilitated; that the perp is really an okay person with problems. So when the perp is a court, the girl walks up to the judge and calls off the charges; when she does this her eyes are downcast and she looks sad. The Falcon is happy. Now his friend can be rehabilitated.

My questions are,

Should the Falcon have asked the girl to not press charges?

What about her trauma over almost being raped?

The perp was drinking at the time he almost raped her. Does that excuse him in any way?

What is worth more, the chance that the perp can be rehabilitated or the girl's mental anguish?

New Comic Day: In and Out

Out: JLA/JSA Crossover. As much as I love Geoff Johns's JSA, and as much as I thought the retro-hip Meltzer JLA had a certain trashy charm, I just can't wrap my head around this crossover anymore. Maybe it's the 50 separate characters I have to follow, maybe it's the fact that I've bought 4 issues so far and I still can't tell you what the hell is going on. Like Cyclone's costume, though, it has that "Lollipop League" sensibility.

In: World War Hulk. Didn't have much hope for this crossover "event" past the "big dumb fun" factor but I have to admit that I'm hooked. Not happy that I have to buy 2-3 issues of "Heroes For Hire" to complete my WWH collection, though. And I'm tired of Reed and Tony being dicks. I hope Bruce smacks the shit out of them

Out: Supergirl. I gave this book a chance for the last three issues so far, just to be fair. It's a little wretched. "Oh, Silver Age Supergirl shows up!" Yep, that's never been done before. but also, it's sort of a lame duck with the new team coming on board. Same for "Teen Titans."

In: That David Hine book from Dark Horse with all the spookies and the Quesada quote on the cover. Cool.

Out: Buffy. Not because it's bad, but because I'm resigned to getting the trade paperback. Same for Lone Ranger.

One book that I wished I picked up: That cartoon Legion Of The Superheroes thing. I love that shit.

Laziest moment: finding out that I would have to travel to the second floor of the comic shop to get the issues of "Army of Darkness Vs. Marvel Zombies" I missed and deciding then and there to wait for the trade.

Weirdest moment: registering for this "customer rewards" thing at the shop, giving my name, and having the dude at the counter say without missing a beat: "oh, I've...read your blog."

How To Protest Your Fave TV Show's Cancelation

"Jericho" fans send 50,000 pounds of peanuts to CBS to protest cancelation.

Radical contingent of "Veronica Mars" fans seen quietly buying up 98-cent bags of sunflower seeds.

Pardon Me

I had originally written up a few notes on Kadymae's "Changing the Comics Status Quo," but decided to sit on it for a while as I am a little hormonal at the moment and might be in danger of inserting my Converse deep past my uvula.

So I'm going to give it a day or so and maybe post it, maybe not.

Of course, since I, as a modern woman, am far from defined by my gender, hormones shouldn't be an issue. I should be *past* hormones. In fact, I shouldn't even admit I even *have* hormonal surges at certain times of the month. Better to pretend I'm *past* gender-specific issues like that, and just let people think I'm batshit for no reason.

But I sort of *like* my hormones. You know, beyond the whole *let's make babies* thing.

PMS is like this special time where all the things I usually hold back because I'm worried about *image* and *polite society* come out. As such, I'd like to brag about it, this "warrior woman of blood" phase of my month, this time when I kick ass.

But then I'd have to admit my body is different than a man's. Then men might not take me seriously. Anyway, that's what one female boss in the ad biz told me. That we should never admit we have periods, that we have PMS, that there are times when we bloat and sometimes hurt and sometimes feel a little punchy.

Oh, and that whole *pregnancy* thing too. Never really admit you're pregnant. Or rather, never admit that the pregancy thing is any sort of inconvenience. Carry that sucker with you into the workplace until the water is about to burst. Never admit that you might need rest, need time off, that you might be vulnerable just because you're creating another human being.

And then when you have the baby, try to get back to work as soon as possible. Never admit that you might need a stretch of time to bond with the child. Be stoic. Be like the pregnancy thing was incidental. You are more than your biology. Move past your biology.

Except, I cannot move past my biology so very easily as that. And if I admit it, will my former boss be right? Will it hurt me in business? Will it destroy my credibility? Are there pills I can take so I'll stop this bloody moody mess that is the hormonal dance?

I don't know if the answer is trying to "even things out" so I am equated with a man.

I think the answer is explaining my point of view to men, my unique situation as a woman. Explaining what is important to me, what offends me sometimes, what my body goes through sometimes.

Probably not as easy as all that.

But probably anything is better than saying the following:

"Yeah, there's going to be a lot of stupid, privlidged, frightened fanboys. But Rome wasn't built in a day, the Grand Canyon wasn't carved out overnight."

Anyway, I was going to post today but I think I'll sit on it. I don't want to put my foot in my mouth.

Smurf Disease

Basically, there is this big purple fly who bites smurfs on the ass, giving them the Smurf Disease. The infected smurfs turn purple and grit their teeth and say "GNAP! GNAP!" Now the sick smurfs are driven by only one purpose; to bite other smurfs on the ass and spread the disease. Which they do. Holy s**t. This made me crap my pants. Who green-lighted this episode? This just about did me in as an eight-year-old.

When Product Licensing Goes Wrong

"The wacky potato is up to his usual antics, this time disguised as the fearless AUTOBOTS leader! He and his faction of taters are battling the evil DECEPTICONS. Starchy situations call for a quick change – from truck to robot! No ordinary fries, these are POTATOES IN DISGUISE!

Mix and match all the pieces to create all sorts of wacky looks! Potato body comes with mix and match OPTIMASH PRIME and potato parts."

I like the fake mustache.

Why The Current Batwoman Is "Invisible"

Before I continue I want to say that this examination as to perhaps why the much-touted lesbian Batwoman reboot has been somewhat hidden does not reflect my personal view on the subject.

My personal view: there should be major superheroes of all stripes, colors, creeds, religions, and sexual orientations. *Major* superheroes, not just publicity stunts and second-stringers.

But if I had to read the business end of it and divine why the highly publicized Batwoman character seems to be a bit on the invisible side -- as lamented by poster "BR" on the Beat (found via the ever-stalwart Manstream Awards) -- the following is what I would guess:

Batwoman is essentially the female counterpart of Batman. Not thematically, not as-written in the comic books, but to the general observer. You've got a "Bat-Man" and a "Bat-Woman."

Batman is, in a strictly corporate sense, a Brand.

I know it makes you get the heebie-jeebies to hear it that way. It's rather gauche. "Batman is not Nike!" you might exclaim in horror. But here is a better example.

Time-Warner is the mega-corporation that owns the candy-bar company. The candy-bar company is DC Comics. The candy bars are Batman, Superman, et al.

Batman is a Brand.

Had DC's first major lesbian superheroine not been part (by default) of the Batman family, she most certainly would be getting more exposure now. Heck, had she been a non-"Bat" named character but still part of the Bat's Fam she would be getting more exposure right now.

But her name is "Batwoman." To the public whose only contact with comic book lore is through movies, TV series, and the occasional cartoon, Batwoman would be very closely linked to Batman. And Batwoman is a lesbian. Homosexuality intimately linked with a million-dollar Brand. And the corporates get the shakes about things like that.

When Renee Montoya "came out" in the pages of "Gotham Central," it caused a little bit of a "burp" for the Powers That Be. I'm not talking the usual Powers That Be. The usual PTB's are a bit more liberal than that. I'm referring to the PTBs beyond the PTBs. And here's why.

Renee Montoya was in the "Batman Adventures" cartoon. "Batman Adventures," part of the overall marketing/licensing machine that aggressively catered to kiddie konsumers at that time. And now a lesbian was being attached to that machine.

Horrors!

So how did "Gotham Central" ultimately get away with this?

Foist, you have editors with BALLS OF STEEL. (or a womb of steel. whatever works for you.)

Second, you have a President who has worked with and known and respected a great number of "out" members of the industry, and to whom the idea of shooting down the Montoya storyline based merely on sexual preference issues might have seemed somewhat distasteful. This is purely conjecture on my part, but I do know that if the Prez is against it, it just ain't going to happen.

Third, you play this game where you sorta "ease" the storyline in there without too much fanfare or initial attention. You don't jump up and down and scream "LESBIAN PLOTLINE! GET YOUR FRESH LESBIAN PLOTLINE HERE!" You more sorta walk softly and whistle and pray that it gets through.

So that was Montoya.

With Kane, you have several complicating factors:
1) "LESBIAN PLOTLINE! LOOK! LESBIAN PLOTLINE HERE!"
2) Her name "Batwoman" intimately connects her with the Batman Brand
3) She's been positioned as a "lipstick lesbian," thus weakening the support from groups like, I dunno, WOMEN, who might have championed the character.
4) She was initially aggressively promoted through the mainstream media, which must have sparked a small but passionate patch of feedback from the Usual Suspects who hate Tinky Winky and want to re-program Spongebob so he's more of a manly sponge.

My guess? Batwoman is not being used to her full potential because of a fear of "affecting" the overall Batman brand by association.

And that's sucky.

What I think will happen for Kate Kane further down the line?

Most likely, her name will be changed away from the "Bat." Then she might be allowed to flourish as a strong "B-list" character.

The deep cynic in me can also anticipate a scenario where she's just either retconned or killed off completely or hardly used at all.

But I will bet you dollars to donuts on the name change somewhere along the line.

And yes, this is all cynical.

And no, this is not the way it *should* be. And if you're pissed and you want get angry about it, do so.

Paging Alison Bechdel.

Next Week: "Why Stephanie Brown Will Never Have A Trophy Case"

and the week after that: "Captain America really dead? Are you f**king kidding me?"

and the week after that: "Lost: My Youthful Idealism. Small and furry with big expressive eyes. Answers to the name "Champ." Startles easily."

PopCult Legends #1: The Superman III Robot Scene

Warning: the following clip can induce hysteria, terror, hallucinations, and sudden unexpected bowel contractions. Especially if you grew up in the early 80's.

Rivaling the famous "Ring" video tape, this clip from Superman III scared the living s**t out of me when I was in grade school. An inexplicably dark & disturbing oasis in the middle of what was supposed to be a harmless bit of cinematic mediocrity.

So Does Katchoo & Francine Finally Hook Up Or What?

I hate to boil something as multi-layered & lyrical as Terry Moore's "Strangers In Paradise" down to that, but that's what's on my mind.

The thing about a lot of these lesbian/bi couples in comics and other media, they rarely end up together. Their romance is very often cut short, frustrated, one character dies, etc.

For example, Willow & Tara.

Now, take Batwoman & Renee Montoya. I am willing to bet you $50 that within three years one of these characters die, thus ending their relationship.

In fact, it seems as if the safest way for pop culture characters to have a longterm same-sex relationship is to not call it that. Instead of calling it same-sex, call it..."cotton candy." "Table." Anything but what it really is. Harley & Ivy in Batman Animated for instance. See, if they openly had a relationship, dollars to donuts one of them would have to die. Or at least pull an Anne Heche.

That said -- thematically, if Katchoo was to tell Francine: "look, you've been jerking my chain for like ten years now and I really want to be with somebody who really knows what they want, piss off," it would work for me.

But it would be nice to have some of these types of relationships in comics & other media work out instead of "we can never be together blah blah blah." If for no other reason than that it's a cliche.

(pics of custom SIP figures found here)

Seeing The Glass Half Empty

Today's Journalista! entry starts by juxtaposing my optimistic thoughts regarding editor Matt Idelson's new run on Supergirl with the Paul Gulacy run in Idelson's "Catwoman." The inference seems to be, "Matt's going to fuck this up and let the artist give Supergirl banana tits just like Selina."

I think this is really unfair and looking at the glass half empty, or, for that matter, completely empty. Idelson's run on "Catwoman" encompassed more than Gulacy. It also included this:
In addition to Paul Gulacy, Idelson's run boasted the artistic talents of Darwyn Cooke, Cameron Stewart, Pete Woods, and Javier Pulido.

This, to me, brings up a larger issue.

I think that our quest for excellence in mainstream comics should include acknowledging when the Big Two get it right. Providing positive feedback where it is due.

For example, I've heard a fair amount of bitching about DC's "Minx" line. And really, "Minx" did disappoint me because it sort of became a Vertigo-lite for teens instead of actually taking the mainstream superhero comic and skewing it for teens and female readers like I originally thought they would do. But there is good stuff in the "Minx" line. There is female-positive stuff. Why not talk about that as well? Why not send a signal to companies like DC that such initiatives are welcomed?

Because you know how it's perceived on the publisher's end?

The publisher tries to do Something Right. Maybe it's a little awkward, maybe it's perceived as too little. But they try.

And then they get kicked in the teeth for the effort. And they think, "well it's much easier to just feed the fans the Wizard Magazine fodder and leave it at that."

I have absolutely no reason to defend DC at all except from this point of view. For me to bitch about DC non-stop and not acknowledge when they Do Something Right would undermine what journalistic integrity this blog has. You know, "journalistic integrity." Between "Tim Drake in underwear" posts.

Of course, by August when the new "Supergirl" comes out I could be eating crow on all this. Maybe Kara will be exploited yet again. But I don't think Idelson would do this. Because to do so would be betraying countless adolescent girls out there who are looking for a role model in a sea full of Paris Hiltons, Lindsey Lohans, Nicole Richies, et al. And maybe it sounds kind of funny to refer to Supergirl as any sort of role model. I mean, "girls don't read superhero comics." But she can potentially be a role model. The same way Wonder Woman can, the same way Batgirl can...if DC plays their cards right. If they go for the long-term investment instead of the quick buck.

Anyway...glass half full.

And I liked the Gulacy run. It was fun. And it's #@%&^% Paul "Master Of Kung Fu" Gulacy, for Christ's sake. What are you going to say? "Well, you're legendary artist and all, but you draw banana-boobs. Sorry." Huh.

Die Bart, DieYes, I'm mean. Loved Bart in "Young Justice." But now he must go, goodbye Bart, goodbye.

Barry Allen = fan favorite
Wally West = eh
Jay Garrick = interesting
Bart = no

Paging John Wesley Shipp, the sexiest Flash EVER:

Um, Exactly How Old Is Tim These Days?

I'm just asking because...

because I'm trying to figure out how to relate to this art from Robin #162

He's almost 18, right? I remember when he was just this little overly-burdened Gen Y scrawny thing...

Now, is it ok to show Tim in his underwear (and there are more shots in the link) but not Supergirl if they are around the same age? Or is it only exploitation when it involves a female? Or are all the Tim underwear pics rendered in a non-exploitative way? All I know is, the Scans Daily crew was a-droolin'.

Riverdale: The Rise Of Raj

Tales From Riverdale Digest #21, shipping June 6th, will feature Raj Patel, Archie Comics's first character of Indian ancestry.
Together with an increased focus on the African-American Chuck Clayton character & Veronica's friend Ginger Lopez, it seems that Archie Comics is making a concerted effort to make their books more diverse. And I have to say, after reading the Pulse article featuring Raj, I don't get that whiff of "tokenism" that sometimes hovers over these diversity efforts. Raj is a well-designed & unique character & I'm looking foward to seeing what the publisher does with him.

And yes, I'm 33 and still read Archie. It's a stress reliever and a pleasant diversion after all that Bendis.

Nicole Richie: Only Anorexics Can Attend Her Party

From her party invitation, according to The Daily Telegraph:

"There will be a scale at the front door. No girls over 100 pounds allowed in. Start starving yourself now. See you all then!!!"

Her publicist goes on to tell In Touch Weekly that Nicole was just having a little fun.

Well, that's just awesome.

I'm so glad Richie can stare death in the face like that and just laugh it up. Too bad she's taking down so many teenagers who idolize her with her.

Her dad is the guy who sang "Say You Say Me" and "Dancing On The Ceiling." Doesn't he have any frickin' authority over this chick to make her gain some frickin' weight?!

Kara Lohan

When the news broke a few months ago regarding the new editorial direction of "Supergirl," I had a particular picture in my mind how the character might be envisioned under the reign of Matt Idelson. I based this largely on how Idelson's "Catwoman" developed -- moving away from the tits & ass Jim Balent years into a woman-friendly, slightly "indy" vibe.

Looking at these concept pics by Renato Guedes on Comicon.com/Pulse, I feel justified.

Okay, so DC did Something Good.

I mean, there *is* a shot with her doing the Marilyn Monroe up-the-skirt routine, which isn't necessary. I mean, you never see Spider-Girl doing poses like that.

But basically, this art is a vast improvement, and almost brings me back to those halcyon Gary Frank years of yore.

As new "Supergirl" scribe Tony Bedard said to Pulse,

"Now, if I was 17 and ruled by hormones, the zero-bodyfat, nearly-naked Supergirl would probably be my fave. But Renato's take is much more like a living, breathing person, which makes her all the more endearing and fascinating."

Oh, one more thing...
With thanks to Chris of the excellent Expertologist

Slott!

Note to online comic reviewers: Dan Slott reads his reviews. And if you rip him a new one -- like Comic Slop did with his last She-Hulk issue -- don't be suprised if the dude responds.

Comic Slop:
"Slott immediately turns the character in a strumpet--she has two one-night stands in four issues and attempts another with Wolverine, who tells her--and Marvel's intended nine-year-old audience--he doesn't want 'Juggernaut's sloppy seconds.'"

Slott:
"No. Nine-year-olds are not the intended audience for SHE-HULK. I have actually made a point of that at comic signings, letting parents know that this is a book their wee-ones should NOT be picking up."

And Slott:
"Starting with #15, the character has been promiscuous-- maybe even recklessly so. She's had two flings and tried to initiate a third. If you want to call a person-- who's come off a longstanding-but-failed relationship and then played around with 2 lovers-- a "strumpet", that's your call. I don't think this would even be an issue if the protagonist of this comic were a man."

Huh.

I like "Squirrel Girl," personally.

(with thanks to David The G.)

Oh, My Stars & Garters

A customized Slave Leia action figure made to look like a "Marvel Zombie"

The text from Toyfare:

"Hideous? Yes. Still sexy? Ashamedly, yes. Do you want to know how it’s done? You bet your midi-chlorians you do!"

via Journalista

See, this is why Comics Journal acts so snotty about the whole Wizard thing.

She's enslaved -- and she's dead! Dead sexy, that is!

Black Canary To Make Honest Man
Out Of Green Arrow

According to Dennis O'Neil on Comic Mix, the longtime couple are finally getting hitched.

But the real question is, will she do his laundry?

And will he shoot the ring from a custom-made "wedding arrow?"

The Sound Of 10,000 Fanboys' Heads Exploding

A gaggle of Slave Leias at Star Wars Celebration IV.

Oh, and there's video, too.

Okay, how does Marvel get ripped a new one for the MJ statue but the whole "Slave Oola" thing never gets slammed?

She's Princess Leia Organa -- stateswoman, hero, rebel. AND SHE'S IN A SLAVE COSTUME! CHAINED BY THE NECK TO A GROTESQUE LUMPEN MASS!

More curious -- the apparent enthusiasm these fangirls (and fanboys' girlfriends) to dress up as said character.

I mean, even Rachel did it for Ross!

I, for one, would never dress up like Slave Leia for any man.

But I might do Firestar.

Manstream Awards

Whether you're a serious feminist looking to lampoon the oversexualization of comics, or simply a fanboy looking for the latest superheroine naughty bits thoughtfully collected all in one convenient location, the Manstream Awards is for you!

(not to be confused with the "4-Color Jizzy Awards")