Archie Andrews: Playing The Field, Breaking Hearts

Archie: All-American Boy, Bigamist

I just received a press release for Archie #603-605, where Archie will now marry Betty. To catch you up, Archie has just married Veronica. To my understanding, this is all some sort of "Elseworlds" parallel universe thing. Nevertheless, the press release asks some tantalizing, TMZ-worthy questions:

What about Veronica?
She will go crazy and start shoplifting at Barneys as a cry for help.

Will Archie and Veronica divorce?
Archie of course sues for alimony.

What about the twins?
They are starring in a new TLC reality TV series.

Will Archie lose his job?
Archie just cleaned out the joint bank account.

What will Jughead think???
Jughead makes a play for Veronica while she is still vulnerable, marries her, becomes head of Lodge Enterprises, is invited to become a Mason, joins a top-secret cabal that seeks world domination, adopts an Italian orphan that turns out to be the antichrist, and then eats the world's largest hamburger.

Anyway, that's how I would write it.

Betty, Interrupted

The wedding of Archie Andrews to Veronica Lodge has been a happy occasion for almost everyone in Riverdale. But one burning question remains:


Indeed, what about poor Betty, who was so cruelly dumped by her longtime crush?

Well, Betty has...issues.


Thankfully, her old school chum Midge has stepped in to bring her spirits up through companionship and song:


However, some days are better than others for Poor Betty, as she copes with losing the love of her life:


What is it about that red-haired and freckled-faced boy that inspires such intense devotion?

I guess we will never know.

...that's Archie #601, on sale next week!

That Archie Guy Gets Around

From the Archie Comics press release:

Perpetual teen and all-American comic book icon Archie Andrews may have sent shockwaves around the world when it was recently announced he will propose to fussy heiress Veronica Lodge in the 600th issue of the 68 year old comic book (and not girl-next door Betty Cooper), but don’t tell Universal Republic singing sensation Colbie Caillat. The platinum-plus, award winning singer/songwriter has ‘fallen’ for the red-headed Archie in a big way, and will be ushering in her new single “Fallin’ For you” and upcoming new album, BREAKTHROUGH, due out August 25th, by literally ‘fallin’ for Archie in a historic singing match-up splashed inside the pages of Veronica’s very own comic – VERONICA # 196. The combustible issue features Archie and Colbie on the cover playfully readying for their musical debut together while a very wary Veronica looks on!

So is the linchpin of the "Archie mystique" jealous females?

Close-up of Veronica on the cover of the issue in question:

FEAR THIS WOMAN!

New CEO of Archie Promises To Make Archie "Entertainment Powerhouse"

Jon Goldwater – son of Archie founder John L. Goldwater – has officially taken over the family business as CEO of Archie Entertainment. In a press release, he promises to bring "the kids from Riverdale to a larger multi-media audience."

"He is also looking ahead to developing new projects focusing on not just Archie, Betty, Veronica, Jugehead and Reggie, but other long standing Archie Properties such as Katy Keene, Lil Jinx, the Red Circle Heroes, Sabrina, Josie & the Pussycats, Cosmo The Merry Martian, Pat The Brat, Wilbur Wilkins, Bingo Wilkins, Suzie and Ginger Snapp, just to name a few."

For your reference:

Bingo Wilkins

























Pat The Brat

























Cosmo The Merry Martian

























Ginger Snapp

























Jon Goldwater served as the executive producer of "Return of Superfly"

Cast "Harper's Island" With Archie Characters!

Archie Andrews
Poor boy makes good by marrying the millionaire's daughter!














Veronica
She's pretty and has lots of money!













Betty
She's bitter, and probably a latent serial killer, but is doing her best to hide it and just get through the wedding.













Mr. Lodge
He's pissed! PISSED!













Jughead
Will he ever get a job worth a damn?













Dilton Doily
Destined to be red-shirted early in the show.














Big Ethel
She's prettied up some since her teenage days, but is still ugly inside.













Weird British Guy
What the fuck is he doing on the show?













Reggie Mantle
If he couldn't have Archie, nobody would!

Archie Andrews, You Cad! Part Deux

This emotionally-charged tale will tug at your heartstrings as you witness Archie's poignant heart-to-heart talk with Betty before the nuptials...

Archie: "Veronica is just you with long black hair and money. Dig? And what's up with that ponytail? You still look like you're sixteen. And not in a good way."

...the choked-up parents of the betrothed...

Mr. Lodge: "Oh, this is the worst day of my life! Hopefully, my plot to break them up at the last minute by hiring Nick St. Clair to seduce my daughter will work!"

...and a surprise ending that will leave you speechless!

"Oh God, that blade from the chandelier just fell and cut Mr. Lodge in two! Nobody leave the island!"

The Ethel Muggs Makeover

This chick keeps getting prettier and prettier. A quick recap on the pictorial history of Ethel "Big Ethel' Muggs:


She doesn't even have that "I'm so insecure and in need of approval and love that I'm willing to let men me treat me like dirt" expression on her face anymore.

This transformation might be due to two factors:
1) Ethel realized that the old wives' tale that the way to man's heart is his stomach is actually sort of true.
2) She took that advice my mom always gave me, which was: "smile with your mouth closed."

And here is the synopsis for above Jughead story:

"Jughead pretends to date Ethel to keep himself stuffed with her delicious homemade cookies, but he's mortified when photos of Ethel feeding him spread across the internet. Will his pride lead to a 'breakup,' or are his cravings for sweets too strong?"

Don't you hate when this happens? "Feeding" in this context is obviously a code-name for playing the Wii.

And the synopsis for the rest of the issue:

"Then, when Archie asks Jughead how to choose between Betty and Veronica, Jughead suggests he flip a coin - and flip some burgers in exchange for the advice! Finally, Jughead and his dad go on a fishing trip, and manage to catch a lot of snack food along the way!"

Jughead's Double Digest: truly the "Garfield" of comics starring human beings.

Oh Archie, You Cad!

Sorry, Betty.

I hope they don't get married on Harper's Island.

Occasional Links: Kabinet Of Komic Book Kuriosities

Welcome to an extra-special dose of weird for your Friday morning...

First up, it's Scans Daily's "DC's History Of Gender-Bending." Love that "Wonder Man" depicted on the cover below -- how come he gets to wear a bodysuit but his female counterpart has to be half naked?





Next, from the unofficial Marvel Appendix, we have "The Many Faces Of Howard The Duck." This was notable for me by having that famous anthropomorphic character "Doucheblade."



Continuing the never-ending story of perennial Archie third-stringer Big Ethel, Stupid Comics has a profile of a Christian comic book that sees the character mysteriously turn into a beautiful fashion model -- only to realize that she'd rather be buck-toothed with bad hair and close to Jesus rather than be famous and pretty.


Not to be outdone by the recent Stan Lee fine arts tribute, artist Paul Slater is offering prints based on his interpretation of "American Gothic" :



The Worst "Spirit" Comic Ever Drawn?


That honor might go to this series of 1947 promo strips for The Spirit in the Minneapolis Star Journal. Needless to say, Will Eisner did not go anywhere near these.




I know what YOU need...it's coming to me...yes, you need an illustrated history of Grunge from Gen 13 semi- and fully-nude and in bondage. Am I right? Am I right? From Wizard Universe...er, I mean Shirtless Superheroes.


Video: Archie Meets The Sex Pistols

Archie Sez: Downloading Is Evil

Archie Sez: Downloading Is Evil

BoingBoing laments the brainwashing of Archie by the RIAA in "Archie"#577's "Record Breaker."

Here is the comic's official story description:

"Written by Craig Boldman, Art by Stan Goldberg "Record Breaker": Instead of pressing CD's, the Archies decide to sell downloadable files of their songs on the Internet… which doesn't translate to much profit once the 3 purchased files are shared over and over again!"

Could the deal between the band "The Veronicas" and the comic book company have anything to do with it?

Well, I like BoingBoing and all, but their high-horse about how unauthorized downloads of various media should be legal is getting a little tired. Sure, getting every track that "Sparks" ever recorded for free and burning it on DVD for your strange 80s-obsessed cousin is really cool -- but it's stealing. Yeah, every other person does it -- but it's stealing.

Illegal downloads f**ked the music industry seriously, and while I'm all for sticking it to the "man," it all does end up negatively impacting the artists and their art -- ESPECIALLY SMALLER "NICHE" MUSICIANS!

Why? Your big "pop music" acts can absorb the hurting from the reduced revenue rather well by making it up on mega-concerts, merchandise, endorsement deals, etc.

But "Folk Music Dan" with the small but loyal following needs every dime he can get from his CDs. If the music is downloaded for free -- yeah, it might increase his exposure, but that's literally money out of his pocket.

And, with the rise of do-it-yourself recording technology and the Internet, there are now like 100,000 "Folk Music Dans" all competing for your money -- money which you are not spending because you are Mininova-ing their albums.

Now let's apply this to comic books.

The comic book industry cannot survive illegal downloading on the scale of what's happening with music.

The only reason such downloading hasn't reached those levels with comics is because the apps involved are not as user-friendly as MP3s. But once those "comic book reader" applications are perfected (and easily transferable to mobile devices), the industry is going to get screwed.

I don't download comics, though I am sorely tempted to. The lousy "Supergirl" comic I kvetch about? I actually buy that damn thing.

I don't download for several reasons. Firstly, downloads on that scale usually end up infecting my computer with the technological equivalent of syphilis. Second, when I get all the comics that have come out on any given week for free, it inevitably reduces their specialness in my mind. It's like when I got weekly DC comps -- meh. Boring.

But the third reason I don't download is because I know intuitively that it will kill this industry. No, scratch that. It won't kill the industry. It will turn it into a place where "mass appeal," mainstream books like Superman & Spiderman are the only viable things to print, and where the "Folk Singer Dans" of the comic world are forced to see their art as just a hobby because there is no way they can make money off of it.

Hey, I'm not all self-righteous about "DOWNLOADERS ARE EVIL" and calling for them to be arrested and whatever. Do whatever you want. But don't publicly whine about how not being allowed to download the latest "White Stripes" album infringes on your rights. Use a little bit of humbleness, f'God's sake.

Riverdale: The Rise Of Raj

Tales From Riverdale Digest #21, shipping June 6th, will feature Raj Patel, Archie Comics's first character of Indian ancestry.
Together with an increased focus on the African-American Chuck Clayton character & Veronica's friend Ginger Lopez, it seems that Archie Comics is making a concerted effort to make their books more diverse. And I have to say, after reading the Pulse article featuring Raj, I don't get that whiff of "tokenism" that sometimes hovers over these diversity efforts. Raj is a well-designed & unique character & I'm looking foward to seeing what the publisher does with him.

And yes, I'm 33 and still read Archie. It's a stress reliever and a pleasant diversion after all that Bendis.