Thursday, January 08, 2009

Guide To Sex In RPGs

I found this -- THE COMPLETE GUIDE TO UNLAWFUL CARNAL KNOWLEDGE FOR FANTASY ROLE-PLAYING GAMES --while searching for something completely different.

Some excerpts:

Masturbation (Enchantment)

Level: 1
Range: 10 yards
Components: S, M
Duration: 1 round/level
Casting Time: 1
Area of Effect: One creature
Save: Neg.

This spell causes the horniness of Arousal with the added
irresistible urge to masturbate with any and all external sexual
organs. This spell functions like a combination of an Arousal cantrip
with a command to "masturbate!" If no appendages are free for this
purpose, the subject will rub the sexual organs against any nearby
functional object. The material component is two pieces of cloth,
rubbed quickly against one another.

Table 3: Magical Diseases

Roll Disease
2 Acidic Secretion
3 Bitchy Magical Syndrome (B.M.S.)
4 Fiery Secretion
5 Mummy Crotch Rot
6 Orgasmatic Flight
7 Orgasmatic Monster Summoning
8 Orgasmatic Polymorph
9 Poison Secretion
10 Sexual Audible Glamer
11 Sexual Chill Touch
12 Sexual Clairvoyance
13 Sexual Invisibility
14 Sexually Transmitted Lycanthrope

PMS (Conjuration) Reversible

Level: 1
Range: 10 yards
Components: V, S, M
Duration: 1 round/level
Casting Time: 1
Area of Effect: one creature
Save: 1/2

PMS causes the subject to experience an unceasing, agonizing, dull
throbbing pain throughout the groin and lower abdomen, as though all
the muscles in that area were clenched like a vise. THAC0 and all
saves are treated as if the subject were one level lower (a 0th-level
or 1st-level character automatically misses or fails), and Constitution
and Charisma are reduced by 1 for the duration of the spell. A
successful save results in a nagging headache reducing Constitution and
Charisma by 1 for the duration of the spell.


  1. I once met a group of (all male) players who'd decided in high school that Charisma=Penis size. He immediately regretted mentioning this.

  2. Geez, they've got rules for everything.

  3. What could you have possibly been searching for!

  4. Ha, yeah, that thing's been floating around the Internet for years. At least it's a knowingly tongue-in-cheek fan work, as opposed to the Book of Erotic Fantasy which was actually published for D&D (by a third-party company rather than Hasbro/Wizards, obviously) or the infamous F.A.T.A.L., which includes rules for determining the size and capacity of genitalia. (And that's not even its worst offense.) So yeah.

  5. Wow. This seems like a singularly geeky artifact.

    I remember all of the humorous RPG conversions of the 70's and 80's.

    I'm reminded of them every time I look at pictures of parties from high school that I didn't go to.

  6. Madam, you are awesome. You have won the day. 1/8/2009 is entirely yours.

  7. Genius!

    Does anyone else think that the astonishing level of detail these guys have gone into on this is somewhat telling? - I only got as far as the percentile checks to make during the various stages pregnancy

    1st Stage
    - Check for mood swings at 55% chance.
    - Check for morning sickness (20%).
    - Lower constitution by 1 because of increased fatigue.

    **check for chance of snorting coffee over keyboard (85%)**

    I once - as an adult DM - had to deal with a male player's character losing his virginity to the (NPC) girl he loved. Both I and the player took it seriously and we roleplayed through it in a private session.(I couldn't think of a non snigger-worthy way of putting that.)

    It was awkward as hell to begin with, I now consider it one of my finest moments as a DM. And absolutely no Dice rolling was involved!

    But seriously, back when I was a spotty 13 year old roleplayer I'd have lapped this stuff right up :)

  8. At last! A guide to uck.

  9. Sounds like they're rolling that 20-sided die to see if they can afford that Studded Leather Jockstrap +2...

  10. I will say this IN MY DEFENSE-- my player was a sex magician based on the documentary Born into Brothels & we dealt with a lot of the issues of genderqueer & transgender topics present in "two-souled" & "third gender" cultures.

    & yeah, we used some stuff from there.

  11. Excelent spells for a succubus