Wednesday, January 07, 2009

Red Alert

I'm PMSing like crazy today and run the mortal risk of starting a controversial post that will piss many people off.

Seriously -- I've spent the whole morning trying to craft posts, and they are all like:

"You know who I hate? This motherfucker right over here."

"Abortion! I have many fascinating opinions on this fascinating topic!"

"Here, for your amusement, is the unexpurgated 12-page chronology of events that I submitted to my lawyer in 2004."

"Hipsters! Rauugh!"

So instead of doing this, I will put the blog in stasis until tomorrow morning -- or when I eat a slice of really nice cake -- whatever comes first.


  1. I could make a snarky comment like:
    "So this explains today. What's yer excuse for the other posts?" but I know better. (If one notices her "normal" level of discourse, one can only run away in horror during a PMS surge.)

    I say this with a smile on my face (as I slowly back away), and thus recommend Magnolia Bakery for the "slice of really nice cake". The Little Pie Company is also very good. If you go to Google Maps and type [cake brooklyn] you'll find some other suggestions. If Magnolia, go to the location near 69th and Columbus, as there is a Jacques Torres store at 73rd and Amsterdam (and Freddy and Peppers Pizza at 74th and Amsterdam).

    I've also got some Christmas cookies from Nebraska I'm willing to share.

  2. Brilliant, and laugh out loud (as in I snorted my Yerba Mate tea out of my nose) funny!

  3. Go with the "Hipsters! Rauugh!" post! You can never be too PMessy for that.

  4. Cake?!? Bah! It's all about Pie!

  5. You know what I hate? Beards. Not like, trimmed hair on the face. Like, neck beards. Really I should say white guys with beards; there are black guys who can pull it off, & SE Asian & Middle Easterners have a whole culture attached to it. But man, you know the beards I mean. Like, fat hipsters who think...I don't know what they think. Or fat geeks who think they look like Gandalf. In fact, only fat boys have beards.

  6. Those posts are like 80% of the reason I come to this blog.

    Personally I'm hoping for the hipsers one.

  7. "You know who I hate? This motherfucker right over here." and "Hipster! Rauugh!" are two topics I would totally want to read.

    I'm laughing really hard as I type this!

  8. oh god here we go

    Why don't you just do what everyone else does and just go on and on about your period and about how beautiful and natural it is while completely ignoring the fact that much like live birth and children under the age of 2 menstruation may be "beautiful and natural" but that's just another term for fucking gross.

    Now if you'll excuse me I have a strawberry poptart to eat.

  9. You should go to the Onion A/V Club and join the dogpile on the hapless guy who wrote that Archie Goodwin was an "old hack."

  10. but I like reading my posts tinged with bitterness..what are we to do now...neutered by can't happen not when I am on this roll...

  11. I still have Eric's birthday cake over at my place ;-)

  12. I'll just say I'm kinda ok with today's restraint. I'm a restaurant/bar GM with about 20 waitresses/bartenders and bus girls and today's my day off.

    Tomorrow, though, let it rip!
    I'm ready!

  13. Very funny picture choice.

  14. Hey Valerie,

    I'm a huge fan of your blog, but I think you need to get off of this "start controversy" kick, ASAP. I don't read your blog because you purposefully start controversy, I read it because you happen to start controversy with your honest opinions. I hate to be blunt, but the best way I can say this is: stop reading the reaction to your own press and get back to doing what you used to do. I love ya Val, but it's getting harder and harder to relate to you.

    Dan Phillips

  15. So now would be a bad time to mention the issue/nonissue with Tigra and the Pym-Skrull in Avengers Initiative, huh?

  16. I wonder what the Kryptonian menstrual cycle is like...

  17. Add my voice to the chorus in favor of an anti-hipsters post.

  18. You know what I hate? People who make snarky comments about people with beards. Are you that shallow? Is your life that devoid of meaning that you take umbrage with someone else's facial hair? Really?

    Learn to meditate. Take a Paxil. Down a six pack. Do whatever you need, but you should take your ulcer medicine and calm down.

    That said, idiots with those under-the-chin, bastardized Abe Lincoln beards? They make me want to beat the shit out of someone.

  19. can someone define hipster for me?
    I'm out of the loop on that term, I guess?

  20. Another topic suggestion - "calm down": has anyone in human history ever actually calmed down from hearing that phrase, or is it purely something that assholes do to announce that they're assholes?

  21. I am a man. One of the things men do better than (most) women is grow body hair. We grow it in places you wouldn't expect (toes, ears).

    Now, I keep my (visible) hair well groomed and presentable. I do not enter competitions ( nor seek those who enjoy hirsute males.

    What I can't understand are the guys with the 10 o'clock shadow, like Jimmy Wales of Wikipedia. Either shave the thing off, or grow a proper beard. Otherwise you look like a Eurotrash party boy.

    End rant.

  22. Re: beard haters -

    Y'all can suck on my big red beard and kiss my pale Irish ass. (My mustache can't grow in for shit, though... that little space in the middle that Charlie Chaplin and Adolf Hitler and Merle Allin could always cover, I cannot).

    Re: hipster -

    I've rolled my eyes about them, I've even been called one (sometimes even as a compliment). But the only people who care about "hipsters" are people way too interested in being one or people painfully aware they're too uncool to ever be one.

    Re: Dan Phillips -

    Maybe you are blessed and have never pissed off a bunch of people just for sharing an opinion (or telling a truth). I've been there, maybe not at the scale of Val's vast readership, but to the point where it didn't matter whether or not I was trying to provoke a reaction. Sometimes, you have an audience ready to burn you in effigy either way. So some of the rest of us can relate to second guessing what you should say next, or if you should say anything, and laughing at the absurdity of it all.

    Re: "calm down" -

    Amen, fifthfiend. It's just a condescending silencing tactic. But I think Laid Down was just being funny (i.e. following up with wanting to beat up guys with chinstraps... if I'm right, LD, sorry for explaining and therefore ruining the joke).

  23. I generally announce that I'm an asshole by saying something like, "shut the fuck up, you annoying asshat."

    That's just me, though. I haven't done exhaustive research in "human history."

  24. I love when the commentary is snarkier than the actual blog post. Heh.

  25. Also, I hope that one guy wasn't serious about PMS or periods.

    Really hope not.

    'Cause I'd have to ask if they were an adolescent.

  26. Hysan's sarcasm meter must be broken.

  27. It is! Among other things. :(

  28. @BFH

    Curse you! My sarcasm and snarkyness have been cast aside as the shams they are!

    You, sir, will now have to be my arch-nemesis. I shall not rest until you are DESTROYED!

    I'm shaking my fist now. You can't see it, but I really am.

  29. Anonymous7:52 AM

    Since PMS is being discussed on a comics-related blog, does Wonder Woman have a monthly "friend"? She-Hulk?

    If she can punch Superman around under normal circumstances, would it be fair to say that a Wonder Woman with PMS could defeat Superman, Hulk, Doomsday, Thanos with the Infinity Gauntlet, and Thor combined and then fashion their bones into new body armor? Or would they just have the sense to hide out on the moon for a few days?

    More seriously, have any writers addressed this biological reality in a mainstream superhero book? If it was acknowledged or mentioned, would it be hailed as sexist or realistic?