Tuesday, September 30, 2008

If The Internet Was A Perfect World

Okay, so here is a funny story.

There was this woman who hung out at one of the TV message boards, and she would obsessively post fanfic of the Happy Days cast singing various songs. And the stories would be like:

The Happy Days Gang Sings "Blue Moon." Fonzie had his hair a certain way, and Richie said this, and then they went "1, 2, 3 Go!" and they started to sing "Blue Moon." And here are the lyrics to "Blue Moon." And then they finished, and Ralph ate a hot dog. The end.

She posted a lot of these fics. A lot of them. The only difference between the stories being that she had a different song each time. And people would complain about them, and she'd get into fights with them. And then things got ugly, and then I think she got thrown off the boards.

And I used to wonder, "what type of person writes fan-fiction like this?" What possible satisfaction did this woman get from simply describing cast members from Happy Days singing songs?

This same bit of annoyance gripped me recently as I was trolling the Smallville fan-fic sites looking for really good Clark/Lex porn. You see, they had all these stories about Lex and Chloe being a romantic item. And it was so far-fetched. You really had to stretch the subtext there. And it pissed me off, it really did.

If the Internet was a perfect world, we would not have these problems. If the Internet was a perfect world, I could fit my Fark, Reddit, and HuffPo feeds in one easy box skinned out in an orange sorbet-colored chromium to match my iPod Nano. And I would be able to edit my blogroll psychically in order to faster reflect the people who are banned from it.

If the Internet was a perfect world, it would feed me pizza. Like in The Jetsons. Remember, you could program this box in The Jetsons, and atoms would miraculously form inside it to create pizza? Awesome.

If the Internet was a perfect world, I wouldn't have to pay for it. And I wouldn't have to pay for porn. Or at the very least, have give to my credit card information to do so. If the Internet was a perfect world, we would have perfectly anonymous credit card processor sites -- not these bullshit ones that you know will rat on you the moment you run for Congress or some shit like that.

But, most importantly, if the Internet was a perfect world, it would automatically filter out everything I didn't like. Shield my sight from it, like Indy did to Marion in Raiders. My feed readers do this to an extent. But then some annoying post will inevitably come to my vision. And then I'd be forced to use my psychic powers to remove another person from my blogroll -- if it was a perfect Internet world!!!

I'm just kidding about the porn, by the way. As you know, women never look at porn. 'Cause we're just not like that. Weren't built that way. It's called DNA, folks -- gender assignment. Zygotes and shit.

Well, gotta go meet with my editor now. Wish me luck.


  1. <.<


    I kinda wrote fanfiction like that.

    Usually it was in my Evangelion fanfiction, but that's because my writing tends to reflect how I see it as viewed on a TV screen, and as such when I see people singing on TV, I have to write out the lyrics as they're being sung.

  2. Women liking porn?
    Not a problem.

    Women paying for porn?
    Opens up all that Venus/Mars business again. Also, cracks about being bad drivers/horrible at directions/generally weak/etc.

  3. I for one don't want stuff shielded from my sight. I want my assumptions to be challenged. If I only read things I liked, I wouldn't know how much I like, I don't know, Nichola Griffith, or Gilmore Girls, or the Mountain Goats.

  4. You crack me up. :)

    You'd be surprised. A friend of mine dated a girl who wrote Prince fanfic where all it consisted of was her going to McDonald's with The Artist and other mundane stuff.

    But not just that, she listed everything they did in detail down to the minutes. It reminded me a lot of what you described above.

    As you can imagine they didn't stay together. :)

  5. Really? Shield you from anything you don't like? Wow that's sad and kinda boring. I like to read lots of stuff even stuff that may offend or challenge me. I don't agree with alot of the things you've posted on this blog but I appreciate your that you have a different point of view that's what makes the internet interesting. But that's just my opinion.

  6. Good luck!

    And what if you don't plan on having any zygotes? Can you look at porn then?

  7. "But, most importantly, if the Internet was a perfect world, it would automatically filter out everything I didn't like."

    It's funny, I see this as an increasing trend on the 'Net and I don't understand it. For me, I think the stuff I don't like or object to is far more interesting, and I'd get bored with the 'Net pretty quickly if I knew I wouldn't see that anymore. And yet I see I'm becoming more in the minority on that front. I honestly miss the days of controlled chaos, where there were forums that of course had their rules of behavior (no spam, no ad hominem attacks) but nonetheless took on all comers, even disagreeable and objectionable people who stirred the pot enough to force others to question their own beliefs and opinions. I miss that kind of anything-can-happen give and take. There doesn't seem to be a place for that anymore, as people more and more want control to weed out what they don't like.

  8. Good luck.

    BTW, I'm stealing your pizza line as a signature quote. :-)

  9. I dunno. One Marvel book and she's writing like Warren Ellis...

  10. Anonymous8:15 AM

    reminds me of the Chappelle Show clip where he talks about what a nasty place the internet would be if it was a place you could actually go to

  11. Good luck with your editors!

    I wholeheartedly agree, the perfect internets would feed us porn--er pizza right from the screen!

  12. Remind me never to read yer blog before I'm all hungry. Good thing I got leftover Dominos from last night! :D

    There is a lotta crap on the web, like there is everywhere, but ya know what? Without it we wouldn't know what good was. Think about it: if there was no bad, how possibly can there exist good? It's one of those stupid cosmic balance thingies that you can't escape. You can run, you can hide, but resistance is futile!

  13. Anonymous11:56 AM

    If the Internet was a perfect world, all fanfic would end with everyone singing "Blue Moon" and Ralph from Happy Days showing up out of nowhere and eating a hot dog.


    I enjoyed your letter to Shannon Smith. He does some wonderful mini-comics and it was nice to see someone appreciate them the way they should be. Also, we traded art and he sent me an awesome drawing of Ant-Man battling an ant over a Twinkie. That alone makes him deserving of an Eisner Award.