Okay, so here is a funny story.
There was this woman who hung out at one of the TV message boards, and she would obsessively post fanfic of the Happy Days cast singing various songs. And the stories would be like:
The Happy Days Gang Sings "Blue Moon." Fonzie had his hair a certain way, and Richie said this, and then they went "1, 2, 3 Go!" and they started to sing "Blue Moon." And here are the lyrics to "Blue Moon." And then they finished, and Ralph ate a hot dog. The end.
She posted a lot of these fics. A lot of them. The only difference between the stories being that she had a different song each time. And people would complain about them, and she'd get into fights with them. And then things got ugly, and then I think she got thrown off the boards.
And I used to wonder, "what type of person writes fan-fiction like this?" What possible satisfaction did this woman get from simply describing cast members from Happy Days singing songs?
This same bit of annoyance gripped me recently as I was trolling the Smallville fan-fic sites looking for really good Clark/Lex porn. You see, they had all these stories about Lex and Chloe being a romantic item. And it was so far-fetched. You really had to stretch the subtext there. And it pissed me off, it really did.
If the Internet was a perfect world, we would not have these problems. If the Internet was a perfect world, I could fit my Fark, Reddit, and HuffPo feeds in one easy box skinned out in an orange sorbet-colored chromium to match my iPod Nano. And I would be able to edit my blogroll psychically in order to faster reflect the people who are banned from it.
If the Internet was a perfect world, it would feed me pizza. Like in The Jetsons. Remember, you could program this box in The Jetsons, and atoms would miraculously form inside it to create pizza? Awesome.
If the Internet was a perfect world, I wouldn't have to pay for it. And I wouldn't have to pay for porn. Or at the very least, have give to my credit card information to do so. If the Internet was a perfect world, we would have perfectly anonymous credit card processor sites -- not these bullshit ones that you know will rat on you the moment you run for Congress or some shit like that.
But, most importantly, if the Internet was a perfect world, it would automatically filter out everything I didn't like. Shield my sight from it, like Indy did to Marion in Raiders. My feed readers do this to an extent. But then some annoying post will inevitably come to my vision. And then I'd be forced to use my psychic powers to remove another person from my blogroll -- if it was a perfect Internet world!!!
I'm just kidding about the porn, by the way. As you know, women never look at porn. 'Cause we're just not like that. Weren't built that way. It's called DNA, folks -- gender assignment. Zygotes and shit.
Well, gotta go meet with my editor now. Wish me luck.