Friday, September 05, 2008
First, I wanted to apologize for not posting that often this week. I feel really creatively blocked. I feel as if I am in a transitional point in my life (though I know I've been saying this for a while -- well, it's been a bunch of transitions). Plus -- it's really really hot in my apartment, and it's not helping. I'm a big fan of Fall weather, weather that has yet to appear in my neck of the woods. The heat irritates me, it attracts bugs, and the numerous fans positioned around the apartment are not helping.
Part of the creative block is the result of a decades-long struggle I have with being truly, truly myself. When I see artists, or even regular folk, dress and write and paint and act the way they completely want to -- I'm jealous. Sometimes I also think they're nuts. But overlapping that is jealousy.
Because I just can't risk the embarrassment. I can't risk not being loved. I can't risk losing everything. I mean, "Goodbye To Comics" was easy. I had absolutely nothing. The only thing they had to take away from me was nothing.
It's like bringing my vampire novel to a publisher and them wanting to turn it into a porno and me going along with it against my better judgment. Or taking my memoir to an agency and them wanting to turn it into a tell-all about sex in the comic book industry and me going along with it against my better judgment. Or going into the hair salon and wanting a short cut but not getting it because I'm afraid people will like me less if I look less feminine. Or going through the trouble of uploading 400+ pieces of artwork on Flickr and then setting the privacy preferences so only I can see them. Or leaving out elements of who I fundamentally am so I can be a "good" leader of a feminist organization.
Fuck it, I can't take that any more.
I want to be liked, I want to be adored, I want people to say "nice job, Val," and yes, I want gigs, but I cannot cannot cannot cannot cannot be anyone other than myself.
And when I'm myself -- when I'm myself, trust me, I'll be a more mellow and happy person to know.