10. The Ferris Bueller Fight Club Theory
In this theory, the movie "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" is merely a wish-fulfilling fantasy of sadsack Cameron. Ferris Bueller is an impossibly cool character that can only exist as a figment of Cameron's imagination, everything the neurotic teen wished he could be. This includes banging Sloan Petersen.
9. The Everyone Is Gay In Batman Forever Theory
In this theory, everyone in the movie "Batman Forever" is either gay or bi. Bruce/Dick for sure. Riddler obviously has an obsessive crush on Bruce, and has zero chemistry with either of his hot female sidekicks. Two-Face: totally bi (obviously), as well as Nicole Kidman as Chase Meridian (Tom Cruise connection). Plus: rubber nipples on Bat-Costumes. (note: some people incorrectly peg the movie "Batman and Robin" as also homoerotic. This is not the case. "Batman and Robin" just sucks)
8. The Leon Probably Had Some Inappropriate Feelings For Mathilda (But Would Totally Never Act On Them And It's Not His Fault) Theory
In this theory, probably Leon The Professional did have deep down a few uncomfortable feelings for (barely) teenage Mathilda, but that he would never act on them. Instead, he sublimated those feelings into a more heroic defense of her life against the villainous Stansfield. But of course, like anybody with secret taboo sexual feelings in motion pictures, he had to totally die.
7. The Obi Wan Was Totally Banging Amidala Theory
In this theory, Obi Wan was secretly totally banging Princess Amidala, mostly because Anakin was Hayden Christensen. This is the real reason Anakin goes apeshit at the end of "Episode III." And of course, Luke and Leia are really Obi-spawn.
6. The Lloyd Dobler Unified Field Theory (Also Known As The "Dobler Effect")
In this theory, the characters John Cusack plays in "Grosse Point Blank," "High Fidelity," and "Must Love Dogs," among others, are all really Lloyd Dobler from "Say Anything." Go back and watch them. The same guy. Tell me how they're different from each other. Seriously.
5. The Nothing Really Happened In American Psycho Theory
In this theory, Patrick Bateman never really killed anybody in "American Psycho," but instead was a drug addict and also batshit insane. So nobody died, it was all hallucinations. Congratulations! You just watched the movie for NOTHING!
4. The Mary Poppins Was Totally Banging Bert The Chimney Sweeper Theory
In this theory, prim and proper nanny Mary Poppins was secretly banging Bert the Chimney Sweeper. It's clear through all their interactions that they totally did it and were just not telling anyone. C'mon, don't you know people who are totally doing it and they don't admit it but they slap each other's butts and give each other the wink-wink? Exactly.
3. The Breakfast Club John-Paul Sartre Theory
In this theory, the classic John Hughes movie "The Breakfast Club" is really just a Brat Pack version of the John-Paul Sartre existentialist play "No Exit." In both, a group of people are trapped in a room and forced to talk to each other instead of playing video games or surfing the Internet while watching TV.
2. The Incredibles Is Really Just An Animated Version of Ayn Rand Theory
In this theory, "The Incredibles" is not a family friendly harmless animated movie about a family of superheroes, but an elitist polemic regarding the oppression of the Excellent by the Unwashed Talentless Mob. Why can't Dash play sports in school? Why were the superheroes persecuted and run out of business? What was behind Syndrome's dastardly plot? Commies. Commies who reward mediocrity.
1. The Cigar Is Just A Cigar Matrix Theory
In this theory, "The Matrix" is just a science-fiction movie about some guys on a spaceship and these evil computer guys. That's it. Leave it alone.
your mind works in strange and wondrous ways.
ReplyDeletehave you ever done improv?
I like some of these.
ReplyDeleteHave you ever heard of the Calvin and Hobbes/Fight Club Theory?
http://metaphilm.com/philm.php?id=29_0_2_0
These all had me in stitches. This is a staggering work of utter genius.
ReplyDeleteIsn't that pretty much what happened in The Professional? I didn't realize that was an alternative theory!
ReplyDeleteAnd Obi-Wan banging Amidala would have made Ep III not only better, but it would actually make sense too.
thank you for the matrix one, i get tired of people telling me it's deep, or that because i didn't like the sequels i "just don't understand."
ReplyDeleteoy.
and the ferris bueller theory is interesting and makes an odd amount of sense!
i also think nothing really happened in american psycho.
it was just the fantasy of bored crazy yuppie.
'In this theory, Patrick Bateman never really killed anybody in "American Psycho," but instead was a drug addict and also batshit insane. So nobody died, it was all hallucinations. Congratulations! You just watched the movie for NOTHING!'
ReplyDeleteWasn't this intended to be possible by both the novelist and filmmakers?
'In this theory, prim and proper nanny Mary Poppins was secretly banging Bert the Chimney Sweeper. It's clear through all their interactions that they totally did it and were just not telling anyone. C'mon, don't you know people who are totally doing it and they don't admit it but they slap each other's butts and give each other the wink-wink? Exactly.'
I had no idea that Mary and Bert were involved until I saw the stage musical about a month ago (in which their romantic attachment was obvious) on my second trip to NYC. I wonder now how I never noticed before.
The theories about Leon and Marry Poppins are the only two I agree with.
ReplyDeleteI've thought of both theories while watching the movies myself.
all good theories, but the Leon one is pretty much as the movie was scripted, right? In the extras on the anniversary dvd someone (Natalie Portman i think) describes the movie as "A Love story between 2 children - one 12 the other 40"
ReplyDeleteI don't have comments on all of them, but I have a few.
ReplyDelete1. Leon - Isn't that what's happening on the screen? That was my interpretation immediately. I did not think that was controversial. Their relationship clearly has overtones that are more than father-daughter in nature. Leon has suppressed feelings for the girl and she has some budding adolescent attraction to him. Is there another interpretation of their relationship?
2. Grosse Point Blank - I thought he was the kid from Better Off Dead, although I only found out recently that Cusack and Savage Steve Holland (and when the Hell are they going to release an Eek the Cat/Thunder Lizards DVD?) had a falling out between that movie and One Crazy Summer, so my theory could be wrong.
3. American Psycho - Have not seen the movie, but read the novel. I believe that is one interpretation that is out there already and I believe I read that the director deliberately wanted that as a possible interpretation. He was so crazy, he thought all his fantasies were real.
4. Mary Poppins - Did you see SNL a few weeks ago? Hilarious bit involving that.
5. Matrix - Infidel!
oh yeah - John Cusaak can TOTALLY only play one part - but its a FREAKIN' COOL one part :)
ReplyDeleteThere was an SNL sketch with the premise that your theory about Mary Poppins was correct. It involved the meaning of the word 'supercalifragilisticexpialidocious'.
ReplyDeleteI really liked your Fight Club-Ferris idea. It makes so much sense. Brilliant!
ReplyDeleteLeon-The Professional, really liked this movie. I always thought that that was a possibility. It's obvious Matilda loved him in that way, but...maybe he just felt awkward because she was so forward. Heh.
American Psycho. Loved that movie. There are so many layers of possibilities that the author had hit on. Actually, your theory isn't far off from what was being pushed at. That he was just crazy and that all these things were just in his head. Hence, his secretary found that notepad with all the horrible doodles of horribleness and the fact that he has an obsession with horror-flicks. Also, him killing people would be metaphorical in a different sense, due to him being a yuppie and that his money was ruining/"killing" people. From the bum on the street to his fellow businessmen. Their are a lot more layers with misogyny and his view of the world. But, even at face value, it's a really good slasher-flick.
You know the movie Training Day with Denzel and Hawke? Well, in a deleted scene, there was Denzel with a picture of himself as a street-cop, and it looked uncannily like him in the crime-drama Richochet. So that would imply that not only that they are the same character, but that the villain, John Lithgow's character, actually turned him bad.
If you get more predictions on movies, I'd be up for 'em. The Star Wars prediction was a little cold. Hayden wasn't that ba...she mightta had sex with Obi-Wan. Heh.
Even as a child, I was under the impression that Bert and Mary Poppins had been involved but had an amicable split some years before the events of the movie.
ReplyDelete10. Takes the fun out of it. But, I could believe it.
ReplyDelete9. A better reason for having made this movie. But, it wasn't camp as... Just shy really.
8. I've always believed this. Otherwise, it just doesn't make sense from an "innocence lost" stand point.
7. Explains extreme anger.
6. Career rut anyone?
5. Makes sense. Esp. since I read the book and didn't see the movie.
4. Completely agree, Gov'na!
3. Who cares? They were schmucks.
2. You actually read her books??
1. Whoa...
I've actually heard "The Incredibles" one a lot.
ReplyDeleteLove the Ferris Bueller/Fight Club one, though. However, your "Everyone is Gay in Batman Forever" sounds more like the desperate plea of an inveterate slasher to be taken seriously as a writer. Meanwhile, your Matrix theory sounds suspiciously like the answer one of those old AIM chat-bots would give whenever I asked them "What is the Matrix", thus causing me to wonder if you are, in fact, in league with the machines ::squints::
Um, I actually agree with your take on The Incredibles.
ReplyDeleteAt the risk of being an ass, I'd point out that that your theory about American Psycho is pretty much true. The distinction is much clearer in the book than in the movie, but in either case it's not hard to see that it's all in his mind - and furthermore, the Patrick Bateman in Lunar Park is not the "real" Bateman, but a figment of Ellis' imagination.
ReplyDeleteWhen I watched the Incredibles the message I got from it was that most people have to suck so that special people can be special. I mean c'mon, Syndrome's evil plot was too make the average person special, and that was the most terrible thing imaginable to the heroes.
ReplyDelete8. I don't think your take is all that alternate. That was always my read on it. Basically I see Leon as being emotionally stunted and so as a result in many ways he's not any more mature than Matilda.
ReplyDelete5. Again not all that alternate. That's my take and part of why I love the movie. It doesn't make the whole thing a waste of time, but rather shows that Bateman is so repressed and impotent that the only outlet left to him is to run away to a totally interior fantasy world.
2. And tongue in cheek commie comments aside I think you are not too far off the mark. However I think the "enemy" is the very real one referenced in the movie. The kind of thinking that insists on trying to make sure that no one ever feel bad or ever have to "lose" at anything.
The Obi-Wan theory adds an element of adult complexity that- if it were actually in the movies- would have completely redeemed them from utter infantilism and stupidity and made some of the broader, unearned emotionalism of Revenge of the Sith actually make sense.
ReplyDeleteActually, come to think of it- that theory makes me wish you'd at least had a chance to add something to one of the Star Wars screenplay drafts.
ReplyDeleteI mean really. They would have been GOOD with that in there.
Number 10 opens up a lot of possibilities for me.
ReplyDeleteMost of the other ones are obvious though.
Everyone bangs everyone!
ReplyDeleteYup, you're working for Marvel now...
I don't know if I should worry or laugh but I thought the same thing about a lot of the movies...
ReplyDeleteOk maybe a few of those moves :D
ArrOOOooo!
i also subscribe to your Incredibles theory, it's totally this weird elitist thing, whether intentional or not. like Syndrome is villanized and subsequently punished because he sought a position outside of his social class, and i don't know if the filmmakers were saying something about how powerful innate talent is (i.e., the Incredibles born with their powers) versus self-made talents like Syndrome used his creativity to make gadgets and yet again was punished for it.. i don't know. haha.
ReplyDeletei thought your American Psycho theory was common knowledge, i always that was what really happened in the movie and nobody thought otherwise... i mean, it was just drawn into his notebook, and the events just doesn't make sense if he actually killed any of those people...
Kudos. I like.
ReplyDeleteI've always thought the same thing about 4, 6, 8 and 9. Especially the Dobler Effect.
ReplyDeleteI was really hoping to at least disagree with you once... but you hit each one dead on.
ReplyDeleteThe Ferris Buehler theory makes total sense!
ReplyDeleteAnd so does the Obi-wan/Amidala theory in a way.
Breakfast Club/No Exit (AKA Huis Clos, I think)
ReplyDeleteIn the Sartre play, the three characters were in hell, as I understand it. The message of the play was that "Hell is other people".
I'm not sure that was the message of The Breakfast Club, but maybe with a re-edit ...
Yeah, I've yet to hear a decent defense of Incredibles as NOT a creepy Randian tract.
ReplyDeleteI know I'm going to be branded as some kind of anti-intellectual, here, but I felt annoyed and abused coming out of American Psycho. The "it was all a dream" crap was the cherry on the top of an hour and a half of mindless torture porn.
ReplyDeleteThe single message (Yuppies are BAD) was like nailing a railroad spike into my head with a tack hammer. It would have been far more expedient to just have Christian Bale walk out with a sign, saying "Yuppies are greedy. Also, they have no souls." That would have been much more subtle.
I would argue your hypothesis I watched the movie for nothing. Instead, I feel the movie was something that happened to me. Like a hangnail, or a horribly annoying song that's on the radio every time I turned it on. If it never happened, WHY DO PEOPLE KEEP REMINDING ME OF IT?
Actually, I totally agree with all but two of these theories!
ReplyDeleteWhat about 12 Monkeys? My favorite theory about that movie is that the entire thing takes place in the imagination of the boy at the airport. He sees a man running and getting shot, and he imagines the whole story.
ReplyDeleteExcellent work! You now have the keys to the otherverse.
ReplyDeleteRe: The Professional
I always felt guilty I had feelings for Matilda. I was 18?
Captain Obvious FTW.
ReplyDelete