Monday, September 14, 2009

My Dumb Non-Issue Of The Day

OK, so here is my dumb non-issue of the day.

I follow horoscopes, the fact of which has already established this issue as DUMB. Dumb, but still reeking of a sense of discomfort and urgency, as I will now explain:

My most trusted online horoscope said that this week will be the absolute most shocking of my entire year. Life-altering things will happen, the sun will turn purple, and life as I know it will cease to make way for a "new normal", etc. etc. So this was the prediction, complete with specific dates and advice like "stay in bed this day" and "be careful when you send email because you could totally send something sensitive to the wrong person and cause a riot" and "think of it not as an end but a brand new beginning."

Of course, we all know that astrology is bunk, so this should be a non-issue.

Yet: I filled with a certain level of anxiety nonetheless.

And, if you are curious, my sign is PISCES. So all the Pisces out there, apparently, will have the same crazy week as me, because astrology is a hard science and never fails. Of course.

And this, childrens, is why superstitions are wrongheaded.

OK, I've totally blocked it out of my mind. I'm cool.



  1. Just as a hint: this is the part where you reassure me that horoscopes are bogus.

  2. Horoscopes are whack! You don't need that garbage. Everyone knows fortune cookies are where its at.

  3. I'm a Pisces! Now I'M going to be freaked out all week too!

  4. First bad sign: Kanye West just took my computer to give to a more deserving blogger

  5. Shocking bad or shocking good? I choose to think that when someone tells me that something OMGZ MOST HORRIFYING TREMENDOUSLY DIFFERENT will happen to me this month, it means that OMGZ SOMETHING MOST ASSUREDLY AWESOME will happen to me this month!

    It sometimes happens which makes their prediction most awesome. And if it doesn't, I usually think they were talking about a different month.

    I believe the "new normal" predicted by your digital sooth sayer is a "NEW COMPLETELY FUCKING AWESOME!" but they can't say that because they probably don't allow cursing.

  6. Hah! Curse you, Kanye...

    Well, as a fellow Pisces, it's my solemn duty to refuse to believe any truth in this horrorscope.

    You see, what's really happening is that the writer is trying to send subtle messages to some Pisces they're going to propose to who isn't ready to get married yet. Gotta be it.

  7. Quick, spread the paranoia to the rest of your Pisces friends!

  8. Oh crap, a Bat just flew through my window.

  9. Anonymous12:29 PM

    That should be easy, as horoscopes are bogus :P Let's not get started with the conflicting astronomic interpretations, but even who take it seriously as a tried and test scientific endeavour will stay away from horoscopes who claim that level of precision as yours. So, unless you make it a self-realizing prophecy, this will be a week as any other.

  10. Oh crap, an alien spaceship just crashed through my window. Wait...the dying spaceman is offering me...a ring!

    No wait, he's putting it back in his pocket.

  11. Daily horoscopes are to astrology what McDonald's is to hamburgers.

    Now, Magic 8 Balls, that's where your true divination can be found.

  12. Ah, but McDonalds are *tasty* lil burgers, aren't they?

    (at least, I like to think so)

  13. OMG!!!

    I'm TOTALLY Pisces, and this TOTALLY happened to me EXACTLY LIKE THAT!!!

    Wait.. no it didn't.



  14. Anonymous2:02 PM

    Nope, they aren't. You do have bad taste for hamburgers, don't you? :-P

    Nothing beats non-brand hamburguers.

  15. Horoscopes are completely bogus and debunked by many reputable scienticians.

    Hokum, indeed.

  16. Hm, just went out to put my check in the bank and have an ice-cream cone, I'm back and nothing has hap--

  17. I was reading a horoscope and got a very bad paper cut. VERY bad.

    And the horoscope totally knew it would happen.

  18. best horoscope: He's a poet who got into astrology. Really good stuff. Pisces last week:

    If you build it, they will probably come. If you
    just pretend to build it, they may come anyway, and end up sticking
    around because of your charming attunement to life's deeper rhythms. If,
    as you build it or pretend to build it, you act manic or send out mixed
    messages, they may be intrigued and attracted, but they definitely won't
    come. So my advice, Pisces, is to suppress your mood swings as you at
    least start pretending to build the thing in earnest.

  19. Anonymous4:15 PM


    Final Cris for Val!

  20. Sigh. I'm starting a support group for us Pisces who don't believe in astrology but are now COMPLETELY FREAKED OUT.

    Bah. I'm going back to bed...