Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Gilgongo! Comics Strategy Meeting, Take Two

Publisher Maximo Casey steps up to the head of the table.

Max: It's great to see you all were able to make it to the meeting. I know it's early. Of course, if you didn't make it to the meeting, I'd sort of fire you. Hahahahaha...Just a joke. How are the donuts?

Editor One bites into a Boston Creme, some custard dotting the tip on his nose.

Editor One: I personally adore these donuts.

Editor Two: What happened to Krispy Creme?

Editor Three: Um...I have diabetes.

Max: I've gathered you all here to discuss the Bold New Direction of Gilgongo! Comics. It's a multi-faceted plan stretching out across diverse media that incorporates creative branding strategies with synergistic ancillary properties.

Editor Four thinks: I hate this sonofabitch.

Max: Now, I really appreciated all the little folded-over pieces of paper you all have submitted during the week in the suggestion box. But, with all my various experience in the REAL WORLD, I sorta know better than you do. But I appreciate the effort. It touched me deeply. I love you guys.

Editor Four thinks: This should be my job. God. What a f**king joke.

Max: Anywho, the theme of our new "push" is, "The Women Rule." It's all about grrrrl power, respecting women, and being nice to your mother and the mothers of people you haven't even met yet.

Editor Six, the only full female editor in the room, starts to applaud wildly, only to sort of stop and sheepishly look to the left and right of her and then sort of scratches her nose like that was what she meant to do all along.

Editor Two raises his hand.

Editor Two: Now, when you say "respecting women," what do you mean, exactly?

Max: Well, remember how women didn't have the right to vote in the Gilgongo! universe? Now they will.

Editor Four thinks: Bulls**t!

Maximo Casey passes out maroon-colored packets to the editors.

Max: It will all be clear in this "The Women Rule" informational kit. See, the women gain the right to vote as the result of the "Gender War" 68-part biweekly crossover event.

Editor Four thinks: I hate this motherf**ker.

Max: But "The Women Rule" initiative is more than that. It's about a whole new attitude towards females in our books. One of respect & empowerment.

Editor Five: By "respect & empowerment," what do you mean, exactly?

Max: Well, all scenes depicting scantily-clad females having bayonets shoved between their heaving breasts will have to go.

Editor One: Okay, and who's going to pay for those art corrections? Because I have just such a scene in the latest "Shnell" comic & it's in production already.

Editor Three: I really shouldn't have ate that bowels...

Max: All scenes of excessive sexualized violence towards women have to be changed effective immediately.

Editor Four: With all due respect, Max, comic books have traditionally catered to the adolescent fantasies of sexually-frustrated boys with overbearing mothers. Brutalizing and sexualizing women has long been a staple of the Gilgongo! comic book. To change that now would hurt the bottom line. Confuse the brand. Alienate our core base.

Max: I disagree. Women are becoming more and more an important segment of our consumer base. To pretend that their opinions don't count and to ignore them as part of our potential readership would be foolish at this juncture. It's just bad business.

Editor Four: But women are always trying to take over everything and tell me what to do! I resent that! I want to reduce them to sex objects so I can feel better about myself and more in control of my world.

Editor Three: Uhm, guys...everything is getting really blurry...I...I think my blood-sugar...uh...

Max: Editor Four, I respect your opinion. But if you've noticed, your name is "Editor Four" and mine is "Max." Sooooo...

Editor Two: I'm curious how this new editorial direction will impact the upcoming "Vicki Victim DeathF**k 2000" prestige format one-shot.

Max: Funny you mention that. From now on, Vicki Victim will be known as...


Editor Four thinks: If I had a flamethrower right now...

Max: We're going to retcon her origin story, give her full superpowers, and make her president of the League Of Heroes. Effective immediately.

Editor One: Again, who's going to pay for the art corrections? That's what I would like to know.

Editor Two: Get the inker to do it.

Editor Three: a hospital...

Editor Six: Well, I for one am really excited about this initiative...

Editor Four thinks: Well, that's a f**king shocker. Next thing you know, she's going to balk at getting a drunken grope at the holiday party.

Editor Six: ...I'm just hoping that this isn't all just a "stunt." You know, something to do just to boost sales, then abandoned.

Max: I assure you, Editor Six, this is the New Face of Gilgongo!. You know, unless sales are reaaaaaally reallllllllly reallllllllllllllllyyyyyyy looooooooow.

Max crouches to the floor and speaks directly into the carpet.

Max: I mean, if they're reaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalllly loooooooooooooooooooooooooow.

Editor Two: Uh, guys, Editor Three just passed out.

Editor Five: He just wants attention.


  1. those damn upstart women thinkin they should have the right to vote! the audacity!!!!

  2. Is Editor Five always so quiet?

  3. This is hilarious!