Occasional Superheroine

Bad Buffy Fan-Fiction
Or
The Ultimate Shame

If you have ever watched amateur Buffy the Vampire music videos on YouTube set to "I Will Always Love You" by Whitney Houston, then you probably understand my personal shame -- that of being an uber geek when it comes to certain fandoms. While this urge to geek out through prose and other forms of artistic expression has died down over the last two years, I assure you it was quite strong and without shame.

Shamelessness is the key word. Writing the 100,000th X-Files shipper filk is a shameless act, though not as much as writing Scully/Doggett multi-part epics. Through the magic of fan-fiction I can keep Tara Maclay artificially alive through one of a dozen methods -- parallel universe, retcon, vampirism, or simple denial. And by writing fan-fiction for obscure horror films that no one has ever heard of I can maintain a sense of superiority and hipness over, say, the more banal Gilmore Girls fan-fic crowd.

The following are excerpts from one of my shameless Buffy fan-fics. It has all the elements necessary to qualify it as uber-geek fan-fiction of the shameless variety:
1) Angel with no shirt on
2) Inexplicable appearance by Faith (why is she there? what happened to her coma? what season is this? we don't know, we don't care. She's bad-ass and we just like her)
3) Angsty first-person narrative that is a cover for being too lazy to write a real story
4) MELODRAMATIC AS HELL.

It should be noted that I wrote this fic many moons ago, though not so many moons ago to completely absolve myself.

***
The title:
"Angel's Descent"
Get it? Angels fly, but for some strange reason Angel the character is descending. Could it be that gypsy's curse? It doesn't matter, because I'm damned clever.

In the story, Faith has Angel trapped and is going to kill him. What does Angel do in response? Perhaps he is thinking of some daring escape plan? No, he is enjoying a long, self-pitying inner-dialogue.

Angel: "Maybe it's better this way. Sunnydale can't bear the brunt of another attack by my demonic alter-ego. What if I become evil again? What if my next victim turns out to be Xander, or Willow? Buffy could see past the death of Jenny Calendar because she wasn't close with her, but if it was her best friend..."

Angel continues:

"I can't bear the idea of Buffy hating me for all eternity."

But finally, Angel comes up with a productive course of action:

"But I've decided what I have to do."

Yes?

"I have to goad Faith into finally killing me."

Say what?

"To kill me now, before something happens, before Buffy bursts into this room to save me."

But I think that would be a good thing...no?

"In my deepest of desires, the thought of Buffy coming in now, her soft warm body next to mine, cradling my face in her hands, washing away all these sins..."

Ok, well it's settled -- Buffy's coming in.

"No."

NO?!

"Goodbye, Buffy."

Oh would you stop this "Wuthering Heights" moody nonsense for just two fricking seconds?!

"And so I play the dangerous vampire to Faith's righteous Slayer, I convince her of what she already is sure of...that I am a danger to Sunnydale that needs to be eliminated. I laugh about the victims I have claimed, as much as it turns my stomach to do so."

I think you just need a cookie and some Mountain Dew and you'll perk right up.

"I snarl and smile menacingly as she sharpens her pointy stick..."

Oh, good GOD...

"Finally, she reaches for the stake."

You have your own solo TV series to look forward to! Think of the residuals!

"My last thoughts are of Buffy, and surprisingly, the rest of the Scooby Gang...Wil, Xander, Giles, Oz."

Nobody has last thoughts that resemble this. This is really corny.

"Do it now, Faith!"

You know, you're only enabling her to be evil with this attitude of yours.

"The stake rips through my chest, blazing hot. My sight dims, I feel my soul loosening from my battered body...deliverance..."

Sure, other vamps immediately turn into a pile of dust, you have to have a 5-minute spotlight. You ham.

"Then something odd happens."

Not dead yet, guv'nor!

"My soul...my essence...darkens. Hardens. Grows...fangs and claws and horns."

I thought that only happens when you have sex.

"No!"

Okay, no need to shout.

"But how can this happen?"

Well, since I wrote this 3:00 in the morning on a bender while watching a "Quantum Leap" marathon, don't expect a lot.

"Then Angelus takes over."

Oh, snap! Another chance for David Boreanaz to expand his acting range!

"She'll pay for my humiliation. They'll all pay."

Will you be wearing leather?

"Especially that blond bitch. Buffy Summers."

Oh, the irony! He was trying to save Buffy but now he's evil again! What a genius I am! This one will be sure to win the 1999 "Mr. Pointy Awards!"

And so now you know the full brunt of Bad Buffy Fan-Fiction.