On "The Simpsons," God Has Five Fingers

In order to solve the mystery of why God has five fingers in "The Simpsons," we must look back to the ancient art of numerology.

The standard person in the Simpsons universe has four fingers. Traditionally, Four is the sacred Egyptian number representing Time, the divine quaternity. For example, Horus the Falcon-headed god has four sons. There are four canoptic jars placed around the dead, and four pillars supporting the vault of heaven.

Horus

Now, let's jump ahead in time to Christianity, and its four arch-angels, four fathers of the church, and four horses of the Apocalypse. As we all know, the central religious figure of Springfield is the Reverend Lovejoy. He has four fingers. He has also appeared on "The Simpsons" a total of 301 times. 3 + 0 + 1 = 4. Reverend Lovejoy is God's intermediary, close to the divine but not yet complete.

Now, how does this lead into the Five Fingers Of The Simpsons Jehovah? Five represents the fall of man in the Garden of Eden. When God approaches Homer Simpson, he laments the character's great and devastating fail. This symbolizes the disappointment of God in each and every one of us, Homer Simpson representing The Common Man. Thus, God has five fingers, and the other Simpsons characters only have four.

Homer: Great and Devastating Fail, Fall of Man

Of course, this explanation is all bullshit. No, not even bullshit that actually means I'm right in some passive-aggressive self-righteous insecure way. This is just complete and utter bullshit.

But you know what isn't bullshit? Remember that scene in "Charlie Brown Christmas" where Lucy gives Linus "five good reasons" why he should listen to her, and counts out five fingers? Normally, the members of the Charlie Brownverse only have four fingers. Which means: Lucy, like God, must possess some sort of uncanny divine abilities. In fact, if we do the requisite mythological/theological research, we find out that Lucy is short for...you guessed it, Lucifer. But that's a post for another day.

Lucy-fer sacrifices pumpkin to the Dark Gods while Linus swoons.