Ten Alternative Movie Theories: From "Ferris" to "Matrix"

Here are ten movie interpretations I have made over the years that may or may not be accepted by the general populace. (please note that some of these theories contain major spoilers!)

10. The Ferris Bueller Fight Club Theory










In this theory, the movie "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" is merely a wish-fulfilling fantasy of sadsack Cameron. Ferris Bueller is an impossibly cool character that can only exist as a figment of Cameron's imagination, everything the neurotic teen wished he could be. This includes banging Sloan Petersen.


9. The Everyone Is Gay In Batman Forever Theory











In this theory, everyone in the movie "Batman Forever" is either gay or bi. Bruce/Dick for sure. Riddler obviously has an obsessive crush on Bruce, and has zero chemistry with either of his hot female sidekicks. Two-Face: totally bi (obviously), as well as Nicole Kidman as Chase Meridian (Tom Cruise connection). Plus: rubber nipples on Bat-Costumes. (note: some people incorrectly peg the movie "Batman and Robin" as also homoerotic. This is not the case. "Batman and Robin" just sucks)


8. The Leon Probably Had Some Inappropriate Feelings For Mathilda (But Would Totally Never Act On Them And It's Not His Fault) Theory










In this theory, probably Leon The Professional did have deep down a few uncomfortable feelings for (barely) teenage Mathilda, but that he would never act on them. Instead, he sublimated those feelings into a more heroic defense of her life against the villainous Stansfield. But of course, like anybody with secret taboo sexual feelings in motion pictures, he had to totally die.


7. The Obi Wan Was Totally Banging Amidala Theory












In this theory, Obi Wan was secretly totally banging Princess Amidala, mostly because Anakin was Hayden Christensen. This is the real reason Anakin goes apeshit at the end of "Episode III." And of course, Luke and Leia are really Obi-spawn.


6. The Lloyd Dobler Unified Field Theory (Also Known As The "Dobler Effect")











In this theory, the characters John Cusack plays in "Grosse Point Blank," "High Fidelity," and "Must Love Dogs," among others, are all really Lloyd Dobler from "Say Anything." Go back and watch them. The same guy. Tell me how they're different from each other. Seriously.


5. The Nothing Really Happened In American Psycho Theory











In this theory, Patrick Bateman never really killed anybody in "American Psycho," but instead was a drug addict and also batshit insane. So nobody died, it was all hallucinations. Congratulations! You just watched the movie for NOTHING!


4. The Mary Poppins Was Totally Banging Bert The Chimney Sweeper Theory












In this theory, prim and proper nanny Mary Poppins was secretly banging Bert the Chimney Sweeper. It's clear through all their interactions that they totally did it and were just not telling anyone. C'mon, don't you know people who are totally doing it and they don't admit it but they slap each other's butts and give each other the wink-wink? Exactly.


3. The Breakfast Club John-Paul Sartre Theory













In this theory, the classic John Hughes movie "The Breakfast Club" is really just a Brat Pack version of the John-Paul Sartre existentialist play "No Exit." In both, a group of people are trapped in a room and forced to talk to each other instead of playing video games or surfing the Internet while watching TV.


2. The Incredibles Is Really Just An Animated Version of Ayn Rand Theory












In this theory, "The Incredibles" is not a family friendly harmless animated movie about a family of superheroes, but an elitist polemic regarding the oppression of the Excellent by the Unwashed Talentless Mob. Why can't Dash play sports in school? Why were the superheroes persecuted and run out of business? What was behind Syndrome's dastardly plot? Commies. Commies who reward mediocrity.


1. The Cigar Is Just A Cigar Matrix Theory










In this theory, "The Matrix" is just a science-fiction movie about some guys on a spaceship and these evil computer guys. That's it. Leave it alone.

Do Spoilers Spoil A Comic?

Here is the basic question:

Do spoilers spoil a comic for you?

My thoughts:

If it is a book I was on the fence about buying, it very much "spoils" things -- as far as me being motivated to buy it.

Sometimes, the only attraction certain books have for me is the "big reveal."

Case in point: Countdown. Despite some of its flaws, Countdown has contained some important -- or at least shocking -- events in the DCU. If I had no way but to call my friends to find out the spoilers, I might have just bought it every week. Just to see what crazy s**t popped up next.

But, if you have scans and full spoilers posted online by 12:00 on a Wednesday -- where is my motivation? All the "good parts" have been posted for me to read - literally, panel-by-panel. And if I'm really adventurous, I can track down the full illegal scan of the book, along with a good portion of everything else that came out that day.

But with comics with a proven track record, having the "big reveal" spoiled for me is annoying, but I can still enjoy the book. So I doubt Captain America readers will drop the book after finding out a key Cap spoiler.

Anyway, this is why I think keeping these things under wraps is so important to comic companies. I think they lose a lot of "casual reader" business when their books are extensively spoiled. It is, in a sense, their "business secrets" being given away.

While speculating about the spoilers for the event-of-the-month can be enjoyable -- I read regularly Lying In the Gutters, and think Rich presents these things in a fun way -- when it comes to direct play-by-play spoiling of a company's key book, I kind of take exception. What was sort of fun speculation starts to seem like hostility.

I am looking at things from the inside-out perspective of working within the industry. If the sales of the company's biggest books get hit because of extensive spoilage, and the overall financial performance of the publisher suffers, these are the people who suffer:

• The writer
• The artists
• The editorial staff
• The production staff
• Everybody else on staff

To a jaded "fan" who resents not being inside that "clique" anyway, this is hardly a reason for concern. Indeed, the ruining of a company's event might be (and often is) justified as "payback" for not listening to the fan or fans (or including them in the perceived "clique").

(and the retailers suffer too, don't they?)

The Internet makes it extremely easy to disseminate leaked information. How do publishers deal with this inevitability, then?

For that, I turn to the example of Hulu.com.

The people who post TV and movie clips (as well as the entire program) on sites like YouTube are considered, in a way, minor folk heroes. Though they add very little of their own ideas to the table (the exception being video "mashups"), they are "branded" to the product in some way. Some include personal logos before the clips or features.

But Hulu takes that notoriety away. It also provides free movies and clips. Even clips you can embed on your blog -- just like YouTube. NBC/Universal took control of their product. The South Park creators are doing the same thing -- offering every episode for free on their website.

The comic publishers need to similarly take control of their intellectual property and "spoilers."

Why should Marvel let other sites benefit through increased traffic over their own spoilers?

They should be hosting these spoilers on their own sites -- and at least control the flow of publicity and collect the ad revenues.

They should create a "spoiler day" before the books come out, driving traffic to their official sites. Or integrate spoilers into some sort of mystery or contest. The key is to give fans what they want and will get anyway, but at the same time having some degree of profit and control of the situation -- as opposed to having none.

But also, it is important for any comic to not heavily depend on the "reveals" and shocking material in order to get readers. The story should be able to stand on its own even if spoiled.

Finally, there is the question of genuinely wanting to enjoy your comic and let the story unfold on its own.

To be honest, I used to always turn to the last page of the comics I read first. But, then someone told me why that was a shitty way to approach things, and I stopped. Because the real person I was cheating was myself.