Here are my favorite ten cinematic jerks:
10. Toht
Toht from Raiders Of The Lost Ark is a creep. He has beady eyes, he's a Nazi, and I don't like him. Plus, he provided me with one of those nightmarish visuals of my youth; only in retrospect can I take any sort of pleasure in his face melting off. Obviously, Belloq was no better than Toht and a far bigger Nazi -- but it's Toht's creamy melting visage that has caramelized its way into our collective unconscious.
9. Carter Burke
Ripley: Just tell me one thing, Burke. You're going out there to destroy them, right? Not to study. Not to bring back. But to wipe them out.
Burke: That's the plan. You have my word on it.
Ripley: All right, I'm in.
Carter Burke from Aliens is an asshole, a corporate stooge, a liar, and a coward. He can go to hell. "Mad About You" worked to lessen the stain of Burke from actor Paul Reiser for me, but only to a certain extent. I much prefer Richard Lewis.
8. Miss Hannigan
Now, some may say that Miss Hannigan is technically a bitch, but I think "creep" goes beyond gender. As we all know, she tried to stop that adorable red-headed moppet Annie from getting adopted. But even worse, she was totally macking on Daddy Warbucks when it was clear that he should be with Grace Farrell. This is totally what creeps do. Excusing her villainy at the end and blaming it on the booze was just a cop-out, in my humble opinion, and she totally did not deserve to be in the victory circus.
7. Tom Chisum/Cha Cha DiGregorio/Leo
These three characters from Grease are creeps -- though to be fair, Tom only was a creep because he existed, whereas Cha Cha and Leo were actively cads and assholes. (Cha Cha, technically more of a bitch) All three stood in the way of Sandy/Danny and Rizzo/Kenickie living out the awesome true love that was their destiny. However, Cha Cha has her own Barbie doll, so go figure.
6. Miss Almira Gulch
What the hell business is it of hers that Dorothy has a dog? Jesus H. Christ. Mind your own damn business! Stupid lady.
5. Jim
Jim the Jock from Edward Scissorhands is a total creep asshole. Because of him, Edward became misunderstood and had to live out the rest of his emo existence on a lonely mountain. This is what happens when creeps get involved in timeless romances. The fact that Jim used to be that nerdy guy from Breakfast Club does not in any way excuse his behavior. Screw this guy.
4. Bill Lumbergh
Lumbergh from Office Space is a creep/asshole who nonetheless has some sort of undefinable physical appeal that allows him to score with Jennifer Aniston. Perhaps she was swayed by the heady whiff of Power that emanated from Lumbergh's being. All we know is, she's a lesser person for it. * Edit: it has been pointed out that Aniston slept with a different Lumbergh, meaning that Bill Lumbergh doesn't really have much going for him except an undeserved reputation as teh result of mistaken identity. Though it must be pointed out that in real life, some of the Bill Lumberghs of the world do get surprisingly lots of action, because corporate despots/hacks can be real sexy.
3. Cal Hockley
Cal from Titanic is the type of movie asshole who is really handsome but shitty at the same time. He beats his girlfriend and totally gets cute Jack Dawson in trouble. I initially really hated Cal, but as time has gone on and I have hated this movie more and more, I sometimes catch myself hoping for an ending where Cal knocks Rose unconscious, drags her into a lifeboat, they both end up alive, and she becomes a pampered, drug-addled mother of eight unloved children who grow up to be uncontrollable proto-hippies. I think that would have been more interesting.
2. Ed Rooney
I don't know about you, but I found Rooney's obsession with Ferris Bueller to be a tad unhealthy. Somebody really needs to look into that.
1. Walter Peck
Dr Ray Stantz: Everything was fine with our system until the power grid was shut off by dickless here.
Walter Peck: They caused an explosion!
Mayor: Is this true?
Dr. Peter Venkman: Yes it's true.
[pause]
Dr. Peter Venkman: This man has no dick.
Walter Peck from Ghostbusters has served for me as the template of the Asshole in not just movies but every medium. He's elitist, he immediately hates the main character because of his own insecurities, and is willing to risk the deaths of countless people just to prove a point. Yes, he is truly dickless, without dick. At least, that's what I've heard. Then again, if you had a troupe of people dressed in crazy outfits spouting out psuedo-scientific gobbledy-gook and wielding powerful energy-thingies in the middle of NYC, you too might be an asshole about it. According to the Movie Villains website:
"Walter Peck, legal representative of the Environmental Protection Agency, has a legitimate beef with the Ghostbusters. No one wants "noxious, possibly hazardous" chemicals in their neighborhood, and that's the EPA's business."
Now, what if Walter Peck was totally nice about things, but said, in the nicest way possible, that there were certain EPA rules that the Ghostbusters had to follow?
I say, Venkman still wouldn't have cooperated with him. Which brings us to the concept of Asshole Pride. At least Peck had the pride of being a total self-righteous asshole. There is a certain consistency in that. The Lucy Van Pelts of the world are, in my opinion, happier than the Charlie Browns.
Assholes are the heroes of their own stories. And they don't even know that they're assholes; because if they did, they wouldn't truly be assholes. They'd be self-loathing wishy-washies in therapy. So raise a glass to the insufferable jerks; little critters of nature, they don't know that they're ugly.
