DON'T... (A Public Service Announcement)

Don't Smoke


Don't Do Drugs


We Mean It, You Will Go To Hell Before You Die If You Do


Don't Smoke Crack


Don't Drive Drunk


And Remember, VD Is For Everybody

DCU editorial meeting

(Just satire, folks! You know, it's kind of like "The Daily Show" except it's comics and the wider world really doesn't give a shit unless there's a movie)

Dwayne McDuffie Fired Off Of JLA

link

It's DC's right to fire people who think for themselves. People who think for themselves and have opinions can potentially work counter to the Greater Goal. It's far easier to edit writers who are passive, take a lot of bullshit, and are OK about having their stories and characters fucked with by people who don't know shit about storytelling.

Wow. DC took the writer of the legendary Justice League cartoon – which truly, in my circles, are considered legendary episodes – and couldn't even fucking work with him in a satisfactory manner. Whose fault is that? Is that Dwayne's fault? Obviously, Dwayne knew how to write Justice League stories. That point is not in question.

But Dwayne was and is an independent thinker, someone devoted to the quality of the story rather than just being a cog in a machine. It boils down to that, and that was something that in the end, some people in power absolutely could not process.

"It is a far, far better thing that I do, than I have ever done; it is a far, far better rest that I go to, than I have ever known."

Finished My Novel, Yippie-Hooray

Well kids, I decided to just get serious and finish my novel "CONSPIRACY!", and I spent the last five hours straight doing so.

Here's the very last passage (spoilers):

I left Willow's apartment and decided to kill myself. And I went to an area off of Saint Mark's Place, a side-street, where people neither saw me nor cared if they did see me, and I took the gun to my chest and planned to shoot it through my heart. Because I had not only failed in a material aspect, I had failed as a human being. I was not a pleasant person. And, even in the face of terrible tragedy and loss, I was still filled with the same petty anger and jealousy I had before. I didn't learn to hate my wife less. I still harbored a disgusting sense of satisfaction seeing Edith die. And I still hadn't a clue what to do with my life. I felt no sense of meaning. Not even a sense of God. At least when I was younger I sort of had that, even if it was somewhat inconsistent.

Now, it was all black: no money, no job, no meaning, in a thuggish universe where people died horrible deaths or had their lives ruined for no reason, at the whim of the cruel, insane, greedy, or merely banal.

And that was when I saw the fetish porn guy.

It was the man from that comic convention, from so many months ago. The man in the trenchcoat with the shopping bags full of porn and the walleyes. He was walking across the street. I don't even think he saw me. But I saw him! What a coincidence, I thought.

And the man, he still had the bags of porn, one in each hand. And I felt so...energized. Like I was having a religious experience.

Suddenly, it all made sense. And I heard a voice inside of me say,

"Draw fetish porn. Do this, and your life will change forever."

And you know? That's exactly what I did. And I never looked back.

THE END

Folks, that was the end of my Great American Novel. As an addendum, I would like to add a couple of quotes by Joseph Campbell:

"We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us."

and

"What each must seek in his life never was on land or sea. It is something out of his own unique potentiality for experience, something that never has been and never could have been experienced by anyone else."

The remaining chapters will be sent out to the members of the mailing list;
The mailing list for CONSPIRACY! is as of now is closed, no more new names will be added.
The list will still be active and added-to for the next serialized story.
Plans to distribute CONSPIRACY! will be brainstormed and revealed at another time.

Films I really want to see soon:

You know, when I started this post I thought it was going to be a bigger list. Damn.

I have range though, huh?

Oh Archie, You Cad!

Sorry, Betty.

I hope they don't get married on Harper's Island.

Comics-Op Is UP!

Hi all,

My very first (aw!) column for Comixology is up!

It's a new feature called COMICS-OP

Yay, please show love, sign up for Comixology's forums and comment, etc.

Help make this teh most awesome comics column since Lying In The Gutters!

(or just patronize me and tell me "nice job," I'm open to either)

Spam Now 90% Of All Email Penis Enlargement Hello Dear Friend sdkyK

According to CNET, spam makes up 90.4 % of all email:

"This means that 1 out of every 1.1 e-mails is junk. The report also notes that spam shot up 5.1 percent just from April to May."

My current fave spam email, received just a half-an-hour after clearing my spam filter:

This is Huge Rugby, one of over 250,000 members on GayRoughnecks.com"

That is the best name ever anywhere: Huge Rugby. I'm going to use that in a story.

Death To "New Comics Day?"

Marc Mason at Comics Waiting Room proposes an end to "New Comic Day." He opines that having the focus on one "big" day hurts sales at comic retailers for the rest of the week; the collective fanboy zeitgest blows their wad on Wednesday, as it were.

While I agree that retailers need to see past the current model of the monthly "floppy" and think of other strategies, purposely ending such an entrenched buying ritual at this juncture would be devastating for the industry.

I do think one day we will see the end of "new comic day." But I see it more as a slow fade-out over time; not so much a conscious ending as a lessening and lessening in relevance. As Marc writes in his column:

"...after having been a slave to it as a younger man, and keeping in touch with it at least tangentially through this past winter, it was very shocking to me that it took me that long to realize I had been away that long, and even more shocking to realize that I didn’t care and didn’t miss it."

Buffy Movie Rights Holders Plan Whedonless Remake

According to the Hollywood Reporter, the original rights-holders to the movie "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" are planning a "remake/relaunch" featuring the character:

"While Whedon is the person most associated with "Buffy," Kuzui and her Kuzui Enterprises have held onto the rights since the beginning, when she discovered the "Buffy" script from then-unknown Whedon. She developed the script while her husband put together the financing to make the 1992 movie, which was released by Fox."

Which made me think back to the 80s Filmation "Ghostbusters" cartoon -- you know, that cartoon that you watched as a kid and made you say: "hey, that's not the Ghostbusters." The cartoon was based on an old TV show called "The Ghost Busters," and was similar to the just-released popular "Ghostbusters" movie only in name. But Filmation owned that name -- forcing Columbia Pictures to obtain the rights to it for the hit film. That's why the official animated adaptation of the Ivan Reitman movie was named "The Real Ghostbusters."

So in theory, Kuzui Enterprises could pull a "Ghostbusters" and have their own version of Buffy Summers. They could use all the characters from their original film: Buffy, Merrick, Pike. But would 20th Century Fox & Joss Whedon let them without a lawsuit? Alternatively, could Kuzui turn around and force the existing BTVS franchise rename themselves "The Real Buffy?"

Trekkies Petition To Remove Pegg as Scotty

Alan Black from SF Gate prints a letter from an angry Star Trek fan who has harsh words regarding Simon Pegg's portrayal of the character in the new movie:

"The actor Simon Pegg was horribly miscast, a grotesque embarrassment. Scotty is not a joker, he is a serious misanthrope with a stubborn rage at his core. The film is a deep insult to Scotty, Scotland and indeed, the Star Trek family."

The letter-writer then says a campaign is being launched in the Trekkie community to "have Pegg sacked as Scotty."

"Alan Moore's Misogynistic Legacy"

"...Alan Moore likes scripting violence against women. The fact that it may “work” in context doesn’t change anything. In fact, it allows Moore to get off twice, first by creating it and second by implicitly daring us to call him on it and expose ourselves as exactly the kind of insufferable prigs who are too stupid to be reading his books in the first place."

-- JR Minkel, "Alan Moore's Misogynistic Legacy"

Excuse me while I go grab my popcorn.

"Mickey Smith," Professional Soft Core Fetish Comic Book Pr0n Artist

Another bit I wrote for CONSPIRACY! last night. This isn't from my initial notes I wrote years ago, I just came up with it on the spot. I like it. When CONSPIRACY! is over, I think I'm going to have to write a "Mickey Smith" novella.

Excerpt from:
"2012: The Glory Road"
by Nestor Planchette

If you are still reading this, you must be one of the Chosen.

Just kidding!

But here's another cool story.

Two years ago, I ran into a pornographer at a comic book convention that was held in a church. The man was lit like a torch, barely standing by 6:00 when the exhibitors started packing.

Now, as a matter of full disclosure: I was a customer of said pornographer. I'm being very upfront about this, because I know these are the sorts of details that come out on the Internet and are used to discredit you (even though said details have diddly to do with your point). Further, I purchased a very special type of pornography – made-to-order – from said pornographer. Soft-core fetish porn. Believe me, the stuff I asked for was tame compared to some of his clients.

Anyway, this guy – who I'll henceforth refer to as Mickey Smith, not his real name – was very inebriated, and was actually searching me out to talk to specifically. He said he had something to tell me that might be relevant to my non-porn interests. So I helped him pack up his table and roll the whole kit-and-caboodle to the Dunkin Donuts down the street from the church. I thought the lack of alcohol and a surplus of coffee might be good for him. Seriously, I thought if we ended up at one bar or another and started a tab, the guy would be dead.

And, not to be crassly utilitarian about all this, if Mickey Smith died, he'd leave a lot of disappointed fans in his wake. The guy drew like a Michelangelo of porn. Such an intuitive grasp of the subject matter and what the client wanted. Knew all the standard comic book superheroines. You could ask him, "draw Halo from Batman and the Outsiders handcuffed to a radiator pipe." He instantly knew who you were talking about, even though that was a relatively obscure character. Sometimes, reference wasn't even necessary. (I never asked for Halo and a radiator pipe, by the way, that was just an example that I saw).

But it wasn't just that Mickey knew the logistics. He really made you feel for these figures on the page. I don't know what it was. The eyes, maybe?

Mickey Smith even had a best-selling underground book of his art that he was selling at the con featuring nothing but unauthorized pinups of superhero chicks in bondage. The book brought him some legal trouble here and there, but I think he got this group of lawyers familiar with that stuff to rep him pro bono. It was shame that Mickey wasn't getting work from the pros, but when I told him so he just sneered and said to me, "what do I need that bucketful of misery for?" And he said that he made so much money from his art that he didn't have to worry. International clients, deals with porn websites. There was even going to be a little video-game in Flash coming out. He should have been a happy man.

But, just to cut you Moralists off at the pass – I don't think the subject matter of his illustrations was what was dogging Mickey Smith. A $50 8x11-incher with some naked lady on it ain't the most important thing, it's not the thing it all hinges on. It's not what's going to end Society.

I mean literally end it.

Where Will Clark Kent Work At When The Newspapers Die?

"Truth is, even superheroes couldn't get us out of the mess we're in now. Superman can stop bullets, move mountains and crush coal into diamonds, but he can't help us. He works for a newspaper. He needs a job. He wants to leap tall buildings and then crash on your couch. Batman can't help you. He can't get parts for his big, stupid American car. And Wonder Woman can't help you, because we don't allow gays in uniform."

--Bill Maher, "Superheroes Can't Save California"

Comics-Op Column Update

Hey all,

My first Comics-Op column at Comixology will be bumped to early next week, as to not get trampled by the Memorial Day vacation rush. Will keep you updated.

We've got some good stuff lined up, including a great mini-interview with Archie Comics about the Archie wedding issue – I'm really, really pleased with how that turned out (and they have an awesome sense of humor).

That said, I still have time to squeeze in any breaking news, tips, etc. -- please email me (using the envelope icon on the right sidebar) with any good stuff.

I'm sure I will be posting over the weekend -- but wishing you a great Memorial Day weekend!

--Val

"V" Remake Trailer

The 13th CONSPIRACY!

The latest installment of the serialized eBook "CONSPIRACY!" has been emailed off to the Florida Swampwater list.

The chapter, "The Jar In The Filing Cabinet," is really a turning point in the novel, as the nature of the mysterious Zaius Project is revealed. This aspect of the book gave me some pause, as it sort of presages some current events a bit (placed in a somewhat ridiculous context). I just finished an interview with "Unthinkable" writer Mark Sable, and we discussed this topic a lot – is it responsible to write out doomsday scenarios and the like, if there is even the slightest potential of somebody copying them in real life? The government has had at least one "think tank" of fiction writers (including Brad Meltzer) come up with such scenarios, in a effort to anticipate them.

But a point I make in CONSPIRACY! is that there is an awful lot that can influence and inspire people to do terrible – or simply dumb and ill-conceived – things. In the next chapter, I go into depth about how a villain in the book was inspired to carry out his nefarious plan based on a certain comic book (I'll leave it to you to guess which one). I want to actually show him weaving this fictional narrative with scattered facts and fallacies from the Internet and coming up with his own textured view of the world. This textured view becomes his reality.

Along these lines, I was going to pimp this book to conspiracy websites and the like, but I wonder if that is wise. I think the narrative is so ultimately silly that nobody could really take it seriously. In fact, maybe some theorists will get offended (though I would advise them to finish the entire novel before jumping to conclusions).

Anyway, with this 13th chapter CONSPIRACY! is now three-fourths finished. I'm having fun typing up my old handwritten manuscript for this baby, tightening it up a bit, and getting it out the door. It gives me a sense of closure and accomplishment, and I think that's all you can really ask for.

Sign up for CONSPIRACY! here.

Is This A Standard Batman App?

Via

When TV Shows Become The Sponsor's Bitch

"My Name is Earl" Greg Garcia creator had choice words for NBC regarding the recent cancellation of his show:

"It’s hard to be too upset about being thrown off the Titanic."

But NBC has been so good to other shows, showing "Chuck" mercy! All the "Chuck" producers need to do is strengthen the tie-in with sponsor Subway:

“Chuck” appealed to Subway for reasons that included its audience, which is mostly the type of younger consumer that buys a lot of subs at malls. The show takes place in a mall, and Chuck’s girlfriend, Sarah, is a C.I.A. agent who works under cover at various stands in the food court.It is no great leap to believe she could be selling Subway sandwiches next season.

Synergy, baby!

But I don't think NBC is the "Titanic." Network TV as we know it is the Titanic.


So how does a show like "Dollhouse" get renewed, and "Earl" doesn't? Is it the Hulu connection? Is it the demographics? If "My Name Is Earl" made a deal with Taco Bell and had Earl actually worked at Taco Bell, would that have saved the show, made it more attractive to the advertisers?

Are we going back to a system where one or two main advertisers own the show, body and soul?

Are we going back to this:





and here we are, 2009:



the only difference is that the Subway spot in "Chuck" was an actual part of the story.

I believe for nervous network TV stations, this solution -- making their TV shows the outright "bitch" of certain sponsors -- will become more and more the norm; meanwhile over at Hulu, we have the radical concept of watching free TV with "limited commercial interruptions."

We've come so far!

Want To Be An Intern At Valiant Entertainment?

Valiant Entertainment, a growing comic book/graphic novel publisher and licensor, has an immediate opening for a full-time office intern...This is an exceptional opportunity for the right person with a real desire to work with comic books and graphic novels. Potential duties include helping to develop marketing campaigns and recommendations for new comic products, market/competitive research, in-store product review, working on the development of major digital marketing initiatives and the unique opportunity to take part in the process of developing comics with the industry's top talent and some of the comics most popular characters of all time.

See the full Craigslist ad here

Death of the "Big Blue Boy Scout"?

"“Superman Returns,” the 2006 Bryan Singer dirge, didn't fail because audiences no longer resonate with a super being that can fly, shoot heat from his eyes and is immune to bullets. It failed because Superman is the epitome of good morals and justice, which today's audience find boring and childish...Perhaps if Clark picked up a crack whore and painted her with feces, then he'd be approaching "cool" again. "The Big Blue Boy Scout" as he is called by cynical fanboys and Guy Gardener, only works in a patriotic America. Changing him through some sort of rebranding effort or Warner reboot won't make things different."

--Erik Buckman, "Superman Is Dead And We Killed Him"

Your thoughts?

New Comixology Column: "Comics-Op"

So I have finally gotten the go-ahead to pimp my grand-spanking new column on Comixology, Comics-Op.

The first col should be up on Friday, and I will link to it here when it's up so you all will know.

The idea behind the column is to report on comics news, but to do it in an interesting, original, and relevant way.

Sometimes I'm asked to promote this or that, and the question I always have – and I have this question for my day-job clients too – is, "what's the angle?" How do we make your story jump out from the crowd? Yes, there are many comics debuting this week – what makes yours special? And how do we present that specialness in the most succinct and attention-grabbing way possible?

And that's really the philosophy behind Comics-Op – to make these stories jump out from the crowd. To crack open a standard press release and shake out the good stuff.

Also, I hope to have a few good bits of gossip and "scoops" here and there, though that's not the focus. I'll leave that to the experts. :-)

Anyway, hope to see you there.

They're Tearing Down Harry Donenfeld's Bar

The last days of the comic book shop I used to work at as a teenager were filled with a to-the-floorboards purging and tearing-down that managed to make the already-barren landscape upon which it was situated for over 15 years even more stark and existentially sad. They couldn't give away the bagfuls of memorabilia, the detritus of the entire boom of the early 1990s. Piles of shit left out on the street, many with their original price tags: unopened boxes of trading cards, polybagged collector's editions, promotional point-of-purchase standees that were in theory supposed to be "worth something one day."

As a person (one of many) who had been royally screwed over by said shop, I received the reports of its continuing dissolution with unrestrained glee. Not very Christian of me, I know. But at the time it was absolutely delicious; to hear that the worker who my ex-boss trusted the most had silently robbed him blind, to hear that the comics he purposely held back from public consumption – so he could artificially raise the price – were being let go for mere dollars. Ha de fucking ha ha ha.

But it wasn't just the end of one particular comic book store – it was the shake-out of an entire boom industry based on inflated prices and uniform/uninspired dreck. Even I, who was so forgiving – and even a fan – of B movies and retro-cool children's entertainment knew that a lot of the stuff being foisted on comic book fans as "must haves" were cookie-cutter garbage. I was happy to see all the waste and banality die.

But it didn't die. It just turned tail and got far more insular and inbred. At least comics like Spider-Man #1 (polybag, of course) brought in a wide range of people, a mass audience. After the shake-out, that audience – and the publishers that brought them their entertainment – largely calcified. After so much cash and optimism had been thrown around in that early-90s halcyon era, the new vibe at the comic companies was continual dread and fear. Constantly the idea that the bottom – what was left of it – could fall at any minute. Play it safe. Keep the fans you have. Keep your job.

Occasionally you would have the Next Great Idea, the prodigies, the comics and talent that seemed to come out of nowhere and dazzle audiences with startling new approaches. Sometimes, these wunderkinds were purposely nurtured, the new classics carefully and lovingly made. But often, it was simply a fluke – the real talent got through despite the System, not because of it. And, utterly shocked at the success of something they hadn't processed out of the Machine, the publishers did the only thing they knew how to do – tirelessly replicate it, beat the deceased horse, run it right into the ground. Oh, and alienate the wunderkind in question.

Then there were all the new imprints and Cool Ideas, those lovely attempts at breaking out of the male 18-34 superhero fan niche market. Failures, most of them, as the Old Guard are only too happy to point out, as the Old Guard point outs out while smothering those nascent Cool Ideas in the cradle.


To me, the ultimate symbolic face of everything wrong with the industry today is the character "Syndrome" from "The Incredibles." The once-idealist awkward mega-fanboy who now has all this power in the hobby he loved as a boy. He rapes the essence of the childhood heroes he so loved at the same time he puts them up on a pedestal (and sells that beautifully-sculpted pedestal to hardcore fans). He had a hard-on for the superheroines of his youth (and the girls who would never give him the time of day), and now whores them up and makes them his de facto prostitutes. And some of these men can become so addle-brained and confused that they sometimes mix up the superheroines they are pimping with their own female employees, pushing SuperTit Lass to the retailers at conventions at the same time they're pushing their dick inside their female subordinates.

Oh, you Rock Stars™.

I welcome the flood that washes you out, that preserves the forward-thinking brethren among you and flushes the rest of you the hell out of Dodge. You almost murdered this industry with your greed, short-sightedness, and parasitic clinging to jobs that are almost like welfare at this point. Take your big boxes of complimentary collectible crap – the reason you often cite for staying in jobs you claim to hate – and get the fuck out.

CONSPIRACY! Excerpt: "Stuart"

This excerpt from my serialized eBook CONSPIRACY! contains a spoiler of sorts, so if you're already following the book you might not want to read it. Even if you aren't following the book, you also might not want to read it.

You can sign up for the Florida Swampwater eBook list and receive CONSPIRACY! and other fine stories here.

picture by smohundro on Flickr

From CONSPIRACY! Chapter Eleven

"Hey, Toddy-bear!"

Stuart quickly led me from the porch through the rooms and up the stairs, never looking back, never engaging in small talk, his only acknowledgment of me his extended arm behind him. I always had to call Stuart right before I arrived, so he could hustle his mom out of the way and answer the door himself. Stuart liked his family life and friend life separate, like the food on his plate and the publishers of his comic books on his shelves. The Thickness would never be near Iron Man, for instance. He just didn't believe in full-on alphabetical.

I assumed that somewhere in the house -- maybe the dining room, maybe the bathroom, maybe the den -- Stuart's mother waited, unseen. She would hear a door shutting, a lock turning, and she'd know it was her time to get out, to help keep her son's world separate, to prevent his brain from short-circuiting. I had no idea what she looked like, or even sounded, but her personal effects were everywhere. There was nothing in the house that indicated a 38-year-old comic book fan, computer programmer, and gun enthusiast lived in that house; nothing on Stuart's door gave any indication that the room was his.

He ushered me in with an elaborate waving of his pudgy, freckled arms, closed the door, and slid a small latch in place. Stuart suddenly became alive, in his element. An open Priority Mail box rested on his floor, packing peanuts trailing out of it. On top of his immaculately made bed rested a dark gray gun; its weight made it sink slightly into the mattress. A wiry orange-and-black cat delicately walked past my feet, stepping over my sneakers; then it doubled back and aggressively rubbed itself on my legs.

"Sheila!" Stuart scolded, scooping the cat up. He regarded the mass of flossy orange fur his pet deposited on the bottom of my pants. "Sorry 'bout that, bro."

"Don't worry about it." I was way past worrying about natural animal deposits. The lighter fluid in my Chicken McNuggets gave me far more pause these days.

Stuart took a stack of comic books out of a folded-over brown bag, I had a seat on his navy blue desk chair, and we discussed the week's offerings. It was so rote, so predictable, our conversation; our stated dissatisfaction with the state of the comic book industry, our belief that the publishers had left us behind, that our tastes and interests and even values were not being taken into consideration anymore. We asked the same question we always asked: "Where were the real heroes?" We were sick of being force-fed stories starring scumbags and assholes, as if their amoral adventures, their fucked-up rationales, their wretched personalities were worth any sort of narrative whatsoever.

Despite all this, Stuart kept dropping about sixty dollars a week at the comic book store; over a hundred if he decided to purchase peripheral items. I could have borrowed his comics if I really wanted to, if I promised to be very careful with them. But years previous I had reached a point where the only stories I wanted to read were the ones I created myself.

Our ritual comic book bitching over, I began to talk to Stuart about Zaius. More than Zaius: I gave my friend a rounded picture of everything I went through over the last month. I told him things in detail that I had only glossed over before. I went into detail about Dr. Mengele and the Pacifax. I gave him a recap on Hyman Lidge, and how my eyes were opened to his folly by sweet Edith Snider. I explained to Stuart about over-population, about how things would never be what we would consider "normal" in twenty years, no matter what we did; that the best we could expect were food shortages, excess solar rays irradiating our skin. That cancer would be more and more certain, if not from the unabating sun then from the poisoned water. That our only hope was Science; not the science of Monsanto and Microsoft, but natural science. That we had to wake Nature fully up, so She could run on her own the way she used to, the way She did before we fucked it all up.

I told Stuart that I had reached the point where I could no longer go on "as usual." That I was throwing my support fully behind the Zaius Project, behind New Amsterdam. That I acknowledged there might be risks, but that I was willing to take them, because I found something bigger than me, something I was willing to sacrifice for. And then I told him that I respected him, and invited him to accompany me. That we could save ourselves.

Stuart was very silent as I told him all this. The only other sound in the room other than my voice was the cat rummaging through a Taco Bell bag on his computer desk. Stuart was sitting on the edge of his bed, one leg propped up on the other, looking serious but not angry. Sometimes he fidgeted with his bedsheet. I had no idea what he thought. I was baring my soul to him.

He was still silent for a good five minutes after I spoke. The air was thick, I could hear a gentle ringing after awhile. No, not a ringing. A buzzing. I wasn't sure if that sound was in the room itself, outside, or just in my cochlea.

Then Stuart said,

"I believe you."

And then he said,

"But I can't go."

*** *** ***

"I mean honestly, some of the stuff you're telling me is pretty far out there," Stuart continued, "but this world is so shitty that I don't doubt what you're saying. It makes sense to me. It explains things. It explains a lot. And anything that can bring a radical change to this world -- I mean a radical, profound change -- is fine with me. And I mean anything. I do not care. 'Cause we're due, and I've felt that way for a long time. But I can't leave. It's impossible. I'm glued here, and I know it. It's a mental sickness, I'll be the first to admit it. When I stop and really think how I'm glued here, how I can't leave, I pretty much want to eat the hot end of a rifle, you know what I'm saying? My dysfunction -- I'm aware of it, it tortures me. But it's too late."

"That's not true, Stuart..."

"No, it sure as fuck is. I'm doing my best to tolerate life. It's really the best I can do. And I'm glued, Toddy-Bear. I'm glued here. I don't like it. But at least I know it."

"But you were talking about moving out like what, six months ago? You sounded so excited. You had a plan. You had the newspaper with the listings."

"Naw, I'm glued. I'm glued."

Silence. Then,

"But I'm sure as shit excited that you're finally getting out. I mean seriously, this really cheers me the fuck up." And: "But I just can't fight the feeling that you are potentially in some deep shit." And: "I feel like, you know, emotional. Like you're going away."

Stuart grabbed the gun.

*** *** ***

"Nobody will ever think to look in here," Stuart said as he folded a fajita wrapper over the gun and placed it in the brown Taco Bell bag. "They'll think it's just garbage." Then he handed the bag to me.

The gesture touched me greatly, but also filled me with sudden dread, a dread that I had not experienced during my entire involvement with Edith and Zaius. Why would I need a gun, my mind rather forcefully inquired. And yet it made perfect sense. I was a revolutionary. The goals of New Amsterdam ran completely counter to what the Illuminati hierarchy had established for us. Were they going to loosen their grip on our lives without a fight? My god. This was happening. This was really happening.

But most dread-inducing of all was Stuart's behavior. He was absolutely mournful. He was sniffling. He puttered around his room like an Alzheimer's patient, starting out with some sort of purpose but then forgetting; walking around in circles. And all the time I sat on his chair, gripping the Taco Bell bag with the gun in it in my right hand, my fingers tight and sweaty around the rough brown paper. It was like Stuart was processing something, and all I could do was wait until he was through. There was nothing I could say, nothing I hadn't said hundreds of times before. No more reassurances, no more supportive words for his impending escape from that house, from Middle Village. It had all been an elaborate script, words spoken out of kindness, because it sounded like the right thing to say. I felt an incredible finality in that moment, and I knew Stuart felt it too.

"I always knew you'd get out, Toddy-Bear," Stuart said, finally stopping his pacing and wiping his red nose with the meaty part of his hand below the thumb. Then he knelt, unzipped my pants, and went down on me.

I didn't know what to do. So I let him finish.

Nitpicky Fans: Why?

"Captain Nemo"

The Columbia Journalism Review has a cute post on newspapers who have had to run retractions on their Star Trek movie articles as the result of (their words) "hard core fans" who sent in corrections.

To be fair, the examples cited in CJR and excerpted on the Regret The Error blog aren't that nitpicky. I think things like the basic title of the movie and the alien race of the Big Bad aren't the result of basement-dwelling mouth-breathers having an Aspergers attack. I mean, the Los Angeles Times called Eric Bana's character "Captain Nemo."

But post any inaccuracy on comic book and sci-fi topics, and watch the corrections fly in. Or get stuff wrong when putting out a comic. At DC the level of editorial stressing over getting every minutia of continuity right was intense. And when the inevitable minutia got through the cracks, there was the fan backlash.

Now, I can understand the need to keep continuity and all that; to make the fantasy universe in question as rich, textured, and comprehensive as possible. When that gets into grayer matters like characterization, it can get kind of stupid, because there are often several versions and takes on the same superhero.

But why do comic book & sci-fi fans get so nitpicky? Does this happen with sports fans as well? Or with any sorta fan? Is it just in the fan DNA?

Meanwhile, Roger Ebert baits Trekkies. He's a brave one.

Of Comics, Hollywood, And Politics

In his post "Superheroes Are Really Starting To Bug Me," Mark Steyn at Macleans bemoans the lack of truly topical superheroes, narratives with "real life" heroes and villains. He feels that Hollywood has conveniently embraced the capes and tights genre as a way to have action movies without current context – featuring larger-than-life comic book villains rather than enemy combatants:

"Some studio vice-presidents just want to watch the world burn. So we have movies about nothing. You can discern subplot if you wish, but in the end what 99 per cent of moviegoers notice is the stuff that’s not sub-: he’s dressed like a bat! He has a groovy car! Whoa, did you see the way the Joker jabbed that guy’s eye out? You can debate allegory and metaphor, but once upon a time you didn’t have to—even with superheroes. The very first issue of Captain America showed our hero punching Hitler in the kisser right on the front cover—and look at the date: March 1941, months before the U.S. even entered the war."

I see were Steyn is coming from, but I have to an extent disagree. Perhaps he is not as familiar with the current output of comics from the last four years. I don't see a lot of obtuse allegory and metaphor in an event like "Dark Reign." I think it's sort of clear – at least to me – who the bipolar "patrotic" evil yahoo at the heart of the story is representing. Ditto for the Watchmen movie – which has the added bonus of a nice little 9/11 conspiracy theory tucked in. I mean, how much more topical can you get?

I think what Steyn misses in his analysis is that there is a consistent "real life" villain in a portion of comic books and movies (superhero or non-superhero) and in popular-culture. And these villains are what is considered "right wing," Conservative, wing-nut, whatever you would like to call them. They are often portrayed as bigoted, highly religious (but of course hypocrites), highly patriotic, crazy, and evil. If you see a priest or preacher in a comic book or movie, there's a good chance that they are either possessed by the devil, sexual deviants, or genocidal maniacs. U.S. military brass or FBI agents are either trying to kill some innocent alien or take their part in a shadowy conspiracy to poison the drinking water and club baby seals. And of course there is the great "unwashed" middle-American throng, clinging to their "guns and religion." This is our new cultural short-hand, the last realm where it's OK to have broad generalizations.

(Certainly, I don't mind and – even encourage – satire & criticism. It's just that I have a problem when these tropes are used in a manipulative, heavy-handed and blanket fashion by lazy writers. Also, it gets boring after a while. Mix it up a little – try something new. You know what would be a truly M. Night Shyamalan moment? Have a movie where the priest is actually a good guy throughout the entire story. Oh wait, he did that already.)

But I would say that, if anything, comic books actually have more restraint against relying on the black-and-white liberals good/conservatives bad trope than Hollywood does. Steyn complains about the "fantasy" element in comics, but I prefer a broader, more allegorical playing field that lets me make my mind up for myself and doesn't shove ideology – rightie or leftie – down my throat. Steyn is concerned because he doesn't know what ideological side Spider-Man is on – he shook Donald Rumsfeld's hand but then fist-bumped Obama – but I would much rather see the webslinger fight Molten Man and be done with it.

Now, movies like "Iron Man" are interesting because that was a Conservative/Liberal/Conservative/Liberal multilayer onion of ideology. Tony Stark was a rich guy working for the military-industrial complex = bad. But then he had a change of heart and wanted to stop those weapons from hurting other people = good. And how is he going to help protect the world? By being fully armed with weapons from the military-industrial complex. Is Tony Stark a liberal or conservative? Tony Stark is is his own man.

Those are the types of movies and comics I like to watch. No, I don't need Tony Stark being tortured by specifically Islamic terrorists (one of Steyn's criticisms of superhero/Hollywood movies is their lack of specific references to "terrorism, Islam, 9/11, Bali, Beslan, Madrid or London"), any more than I need one more goddamn ersatz George W. Bush walking on screen and drooling on the floor (these GWB jokes are getting really old). I don't need "cues" on how to think and feel, I don't need a text book pointing out to me who is "bad" and who is "good." Comics like Transmetropolitan were great because everybody kind of sucked, were dysfunctional in their own way. Those are the stories I like, and that's pretty much my view of the world. "Everybody is dysfunctional in their own special way." It's like "Free To Be You And Me" via Warren Ellis.

Blockbuster: "Healthy Box-Office Killing Home Video Rentals"

In what can only be called a stunning reversal, Blockbuster recently declared that a rise in movie attendance is eating away at their video rental business.

In other news, "nothing good has come from the Internet" and Fox to make version of "The Bachelor" with an overweight dude called "The Fatchelor."

I'm not kidding.

Occasional Superheroine Now Available On Kindle

For just $1.99 a month you can subscribe to Occasional Superheroine on your Kindle device! Be the first on your block!

Linkie

Jimmy Nolsen (Spoilers)

Also known as "Folsen," also known as Redd Harring, also known as "too old for DC's taste."

Fucking "Smallville..."

Thoughts About The Faux-Mainstream & The Future

Disney comic books used to sell in the millions; can they do so again?

Back when the comic book industry targeted their top books towards broad general audiences, they sold individual titles like Superman and Walt Disney Comics And Stories in the millions.

Now mainstream comics has largely evolved into a niche market, with a drastically reduced audience. And that's kinda sad. And ironic – what we think of as the "mainstream" is anything but. It is a niche serving some very specific demographics.

However, the rise of digital, the recession, and online comics piracy are helping push the industry back into their general audiences roots.

As cover prices rise and the recession continues, many "mainstream" comic book readers will either drop more titles and/or download illegal copies from the Internet.

Meanwhile the masses will continue to abandon pay-for-paper en masse for free online content. They largely abandoned the comic book industry a long time ago, choosing instead to occasionally watch movies & TV shows based on their characters.

These masses are hungry for more free online content. The comic book industry could provide that content – but in order to make it worth their while they need really good online ad sales. They get the good online ad sales by either having great demographics or great traffic; by continuing to focus on a niche "faux mainstream" audience, they are potentially jeopardizing the former and definitely killing the latter.

The funny thing is, if the industry made it a point to cater to the mass audience, and not just a niche, many of the niche readers would probably read the comics anyway. But in order for this all to happen, there needs to be management in place who not only have the balls to refocus on the wider audience, but actually knows how to get that wider audience.






















Mainstream vs. Niche: General Audience Vs. Limited Audience

I give the target timeframe for the industry sea-change within 12 months. What will shake out are:

• Even more "niche" and exclusive pay-for-paper monthly content, for the hardcore. Don't look for the great strides in true "mainstreaming" in this department.
• Higher-priced pay-for-paper monthly content.
• A far stronger emphasis on trade collections and bookstore sales. Look for the collected editions to be far cheaper than the individual monthly titles. Everything will be done to make monthlies the purview of the committed, hardcore superhero niche collector – and to (de facto) discourage everyone else from buying them.
  
• Cheaper digests/collected editions of children's content, though the monthlies will still be pricey.
• A sudden and sharp turn to showcasing first-run "true mainstream" content online. There will be multimedia components to some of this content, as well as a focus on movie/TV/video-game spin-offs & synergy.
  

If the comic book industry tries to just pluck the "faux-mainstream" content from the pay-for-paper monthlies and stick them on the Internet, they will find that they will not generate enough traffic from them to make the ad sales healthy enough to the point of supporting a giant company. They need those old-time sales-in-the-millions, and you can only really do that by producing a product for wide audiences. And if you alienate females, you are seriously and needlessly cutting into your potenial base.

The comic book industry originally began to alienate females and discount them as a demographic because some of the guys who were brought up on the first two waves of comics (Golden and Silver) were nerdy and awkward around girls and thus resented them and didn't know what to do with them. Up to the Silver Age, many of the guys who worked in the comic book industry had more or less well-rounded educations and lives. By "well-rounded," I mean their whole lives didn't revolve over an obsessive fascination with childhood entertainment, and sometimes they talked to girls (or guys, if they swung that way).

A particular breed of awkward fanboy who came of age in the Silver Age is responsible for a large portion of the inward-facing exclusivist niche that took a once-healthy industry to a heart-beat away from death. They came of age in the Silver Age, got into power in the Bronze Age, and decided to just reproduce obsessively the entertainment of their childhood (instead of coming up with unique concepts). Then some awkward fanboys who came of age in the Bronze Age -- raised on this regurgitated Silver Age bullshit -- got a boner for that regurgitated Silver Age bullshit and decided to turn it into third- and fourth-generation regurgitated Silver Age bullshit.

This entire mentality will NOT survive the recession, the move from paper to digital, and the easy accessibility of illegal downloads. The people in charge who are still relentlessly pushing regurgitated Silver Age bullshit don't care about tomorrow at this point; they are planning their quick and comfortable retirements. Until then, they will do every stink-nose thing they can do to slow digital down, to keep their pay-for-paper faux-mainstream niche. They claim they are doing this to champion the cause of the comic book retailer. Whereas if they really cared about the retailer, they'd work more aggressively with them to stock trades and graphic novels, stock movie & TV tie-in comics and memorabilia, and to make their stores as accessible and truly mainstream as possible. Instead of selling them pipe dreams, which many of them aren't falling for anymore anyway.

As a person who knows all this is going to happen – and happen damn fast too – I'm sitting here asking myself the question: what will be the most vital comic news and material to focus on? Not just in the short-term, but in terms of the new comics economy.

The mix has to include:

• a focus on trades & graphic novels
• webcomics
• comics for children
  
• pop-culture related topics like movies/TV/video games/etc
  

Again: niche websites and content only yield big returns in only two scenarios:
1. You are a small company and the yield from niche is enough to support you.
2. You control and dominate many niches (like the blog networks that have like 23 niche topics under one advertising umbrella).

*Great analysis on the history of comic book sales here and here.

"Chloe You Ignorant Slut" or "Smallville Fan Meltdown" (spoilers)

The Chloe/Davis fans react to last night's Smallville finale (spoilers):

"Good bye CRAPPYVILLE"

"I feel like puking. What a ****ing **** ending to the entire Chlavis arc."

"How could they finish the Chloe and Davis relationship that way?! How totally sucky! I'm really ticked! They had something going! Down with Chimmy!! ARGGHHHH!!! Some people are suspecting that Chole is pregnant, and I hope that if she is, it's Davis's kid!"

"I feel so cheated too. I was even about to say quit to it all and quit w/ the fics but that all I can do now is rely on those fics to show the awesomeness of what should have been Chlavis. Grrr. So please continue w/ your awesome fics. So please make this right at least we can have it in fics. And your a better writer then SV writers anyway."

"my Chlavis heart is sooooooo broken"

...and, the server crashed on the message board and that's as far as I got.

To add a recap & my commentary:

Basically they've been dragging out this romance between Chloe & "Doomsday" Davis all season. Then in this episode they finally separate out "evil" Doomsday from "good" Davis using black kryptonite (because you know in the DC world it all has to be color-coded), and Clark leaves Jimmy alone with Chloe and a (presumably) unconscious Davis. Jimmy broke up with Chloe over Davis, but now Chloe tells Jimmy that she's always loved him and was just using Davis to protect Clark. Davis, deeply hurt by Chloe's betrayal, jumps up and shoves a pipe through Jimmy's torso. Then Jimmy kills Davis.

And this is why, folks, Chloe is an ignorant slut. Jimmy totally pegged it when he broke up with her. She was lying to herself about her attraction to both Clark & Davis. She never took any responsibility for her feelings for Davis. And the moment Davis is no longer Mr. "Dark and Dangerous," she leaves him for Jimmy (you know, Jimmy -- the guy she tasered several episodes ago).

I mean literally, this is pretty much the exchange between Chloe & Jimmy:

"I was only using Davis to protect Clark; I never had any feelings for him."
"It all makes sense now. Kiss me."

Not to mention what a poor schmuck Jimmy is; that he's so pathetic and insecure he actually buys the horseshit Chloe is shoveling.

Jimmy has a big funeral, and Davis is presumably dumped in a hole somewhere. Davis is like Tara from BTVS – the new character that is used a lot for maximum emo effect but never quite fits into the Scooby Gang. Davis is used and thrown away by the Smallville writers pretty much the same way he's used and thrown away by Chloe & Clark.

It's later inferred that Chloe is pregnant, most probably with the baby of Davis. Because you know, she was so *compelled* to sleep with Davis and make the ultimate sacrifice, the ultimate sacrifice being sleeping with a really cute guy you've been making gaga eyes with all season.

The saddest part isn't about the deaths of Jimmy and Davis, but the path Chloe took from lame to cool to completely lame again. I mean, do the writers realize how lame they made Chloe in this scenario? Could they have at least had Clark shake her and yell at her or something?

Of course, this is the same show that has been putting bandages on a bald actor's head and calling him "Lex." Which is to say – in the end, it really doesn't matter, and the "Chlavis" fans will be devoting far too much time and care for a property that doesn't really deserve it.

Demographics For Comic Book & Pop-Culture Sites

One of the things I have to do for my job is come up with comparative charts on demographic data for websites. The research site of choice for me in this work is Quantcast.

As a lark, I decided to do a chart comparing a broad spectrum of comics, movie, and pop-culture related sites. The sites I compared were:

• Newsarama
• Comic Book Resources
• io9
• IGN
• Rotten Tomatoes
• Aint It Cool News
• The Comics Reporter
• Marvel.com
• DC Comics.com
• xkcd

I realize the inclusion of xkcd was a bit like comparing apples to oranges, but I wanted a baseline as to how a popular webcomic compares.

The demographic categories I used were:

• Monthly Traffic
• Gender
• Age
• Race/Ethnicity
• Has Kids/Has No Kids
  
• Income
• College Education

A few general observations based on the data:

The most gender balanced sites were The Comics Reporter, xkcd, Marvel, IGN, and Rotten Tomatoes.

The most gender imbalanced sites were Newsarama, Comic Book Resources, and io9 (all in favor of males).

IGN had far and away the highest traffic, followed by Rotten Tomatoes, io9, Marvel, and xkcd.

The typical Newsarama/Comic Book Resources user is:
1. Male
2. 18-34
3. Without children
4. Caucasian (but with a % of African-American users that is high above the Internet average, more than any of the other sites)
5. Has an income $30,000 or less

The site with the highest # of users with children (years 0-17) is IGN, followed by Marvel and The Comics Reporter.

Some thoughts based on the data:

• Newsarama & Comic Book Resources seem to fit very snugly in what is considered the key demographic of the mainstream superhero comics reader. And yet both the Marvel (and to a slightly lesser extent) DC sites have a far more broader demographic -- where do all the female visitors of the Marvel & DC sites get their comic book news? IGN? Very possibly.
• If the majority of Newsarama & Comic Book Resources visitors make under $30,000 a year, how are they dealing with the rising cost of comics & the recession?
  
• If there is such a high % of Marvel.com users who have children, then it makes sense for them to push their all-ages material -- and why comics like their adaptation of Wizard of Oz do so well.
• xkcd does pretty good numbers, competing neck-in-neck with the Marvel & DC sites. I wonder how the other popular webcomics would measure up (might be the subject of a future chart, though I'm sure it's been done already by sites that cover webcomics exclusively).
• One thing I sometimes point out to clients is how a smaller site with a relatively simpler design does so much better than sites with all the flash and bells & whistles -- case in point xkcd, but many personal blogs, etc.
  

Anyway, those were some insights. Visit the Quantcast site to read about their methodologies, and also realize that there are other demographic/audience measurement tools out there with other ways of gathering information.

And if you would like a copy of the full comparative chart, email me.

EDIT: further thoughts that popped into my mind:

• the fact that a site like IGN covers video games probably swings a lot of traffic and female visitors in their direction -- as well as younger users.
• It's possible that the DC & Marvel site visitors that don't fit into the Newsarama/Comic Book Resources demo visit smaller sites and blogs that more specifically address their demo, or that have a completely different approach entirely.
• If you are an advertiser, you care not only about traffic, but about the site's specific demographics. Traffic becomes an overall less important factor than specifics in income, etc.
  

Wikipedia Illustration for "Schadenfreude"

Minor, I know, but I thought it was amusing.

Quote of the day

"I am a guy who hasn't seen any good come out of the Internet...It seems to have done damage to every (part) of the entertainment business."

--Michael Lynton, chairman & CEO Sony Pictures Entertainment

FLORIDA SWAMPWATER IS GO

The first official Florida Swampwater List updates have just been emailed. The lucky recipients will find 12 whole FREE chapters of the edgy comedy-thriller CONSPIRACY! in their inbox, suitable for framing.

Free digital content saves trees and runs on efficient, clean electricity! By putting out their publications in a free eBook format, Florida Swampwater "sticks it to the Man" and defies traditional standards of quality.

The first Florida Swampwater selection is the edgy comedy-thriller CONSPIRACY! If you like LOST, you'll love CONSPIRACY! Best of all -- they don't use time-travel.

Please contact Florida Swampwater to get in on the action and have the satisfaction of knowing you discovered something cool that nobody else knows about! Once you're signed up, you'll receive weekly updates by email. It's that simple! Then visit the Florida Swampwater Social Network to make sure that the fun never ends!

Feel free to make Florida Swampwater and CONSPIRACY! your fake reality of choice. And don't forget to upload the book on teh torrents -- as Cory Doctorow says, "I really feel like my problem isn’t piracy...It’s obscurity.”

Damn straight, Cory. Damn straight.

Vomiting Cat, Vomiting Cat, What Are They Feeding You?

I recently visited Newsarama and found as the lead story a picture of a cat vomiting blood. After looking at the article more carefully, I learned that this was part of a "Green Lantern" storyline, which apparently involved lots of characters vomiting blood on each other.

There's nothing really wrong about having characters, feline or otherwise, vomit blood. It doesn't really do it for me in terms of getting me excited about this Green Lantern series, but I doubt I am the target audience and so it's sort of irrelevant.

But there are several things that have come to mind as the result of stumbling upon that Newsarama article -- not as a direct result, mind you, but as a starting point:

• I don't think the big debate in comics anymore is what Event is better, or if somebody thinks a certain character is handled in "the right way." The over-arching question that must be answered, as per any comic, is: "is this worth 3-4 dollars?" Everything else is minutia.
• In the struggle to convince the comic book consumer to pay the 3-4 dollars, publishers may "push" more high-concepts like cats who vomit blood. There is less time to build an audience or experiment with concepts that are either subtle and/or untested.
• If I write a column about current events in comic books, and I fail to "push" the vomiting cat, am I short-changing my reader by not being "in touch" with the times? And I ask that in all seriousness.
• In terms of mainstream in-continuity superhero comics being content that children can read, I will have to say that this battle is largely long over and done with. Children, rather than being the core reading group for comic books, are now a "niche" market. And they probably have been for at least a good 10-15 years. We all just had to admit the battle was over (stages of mourning, and all that).
  
• Regardless of the pros and cons of the blood-vomiting cat, the extremity of its nature has gotten its image replicated over and over again in a variety of contexts. Which means: it has done its job. We loop over to my first bullet-point: is it worth 3-4 dollars? And the second bullet-point: publishers push the "biggest bang" in the most extreme manner possible in order to convince the reader that this is worth their money. Not so much narrative, as outright stimulation of the senses.
• It is not enough to say: "comics are for adults, not kids." There are gray areas in a lot of current comic book material in that the comics are for adults, but are not really at an adult level.

As an aside, my cats vomit mostly hair. Sometimes the food, if they don't cotton to it.

"The Way It Is" or "The Prejean Maneuver"

A pudgy, pink-haired man in an overcoat and dark glasses precariously balances his weight on a cinder block at an abandoned construction site. Had there been any observers to his lonely vigil, they might say it looked like he was waiting for someone.

Suddenly, a statuesque beauty, her long blond locks covered by a red-and-white gingham scarf, walks up to the pudgy pink-haired man. She is carrying a picnic basket, also lined in red-and-white gingham. Sunglasses cover her eyes as well.

The man gets up from his cinder block and waves in recognition. The two remove their sunglasses.

"Carrie!"

"Perez!"

"It's so good to see you, girl!"

They embrace, then say in unison:

"I CAN'T BELIEVE WE PULLED IT OFF!!!"

Perez then says to the woman:

"Sorry it got a little ugly towards the end there."

"No worries, P. I know you had to make it believable."

"It's just that every time I called you a cunt, I got another sponsor."

"And every time I said Christ would forgive you, Fox News came back to me with a better deal."

"I sure hope you get that Fox gig, Carrie. Having a regular soapbox will give us a chance to publicly fight more often."

"Thanks, Perez! By the way, I'm sorry I haven't returned your emails recently -- it's just that I've been so busy counting all my money."















Across town, Rush Limbaugh and Wanda Sykes share a lamb gyro at a meat cart:

"Rush, I'm sorry I said I wished your kidneys would fail. It's just that every time I say something like that, people just shove money down my pockets!"

"Don't sweat it, Wanda! This only gives me more ammunition so I can rally up the Base and kick out that wishy-washy ol' Michael Steele. Oh, and get more money."

Some miles away, a struggling blue-collar father comments on a Free Republic thread about Perez Hilton. He has been recently laid off from his job, and feels full of anger and impotence at the way his life seems out-of-control. The media storm regarding the Miss California controversy has revved him up and stoked his rage. Whereas before his homophobia was relatively minor and unexpressed -- and indeed he has previously never even heard of Perez Hilton -- now he is focused on hating gays with full force. In fact, so focused is he on the Hilton/Prejean feud, he has forgotten all about the real issues that are effecting his family's life -- job security, taxes, health insurance, decent and affordable education for his children. No, coining the phrase "Perez Fagton" has now taken up his valuable attention. And it feels good, to have an outlet for this rage, and to forget The Way It Is.

Not too far from the "Freeper" is a twentysomething out-of-work editor posting on "The Kos" about how Carrie Prejean is a bigoted slut who should be punched in the mouth to shut up. This young man may feel he has very little in common with the "Freeper," but in fact they face similar issues regarding finances and health care. The "Kos-head" and the "Freeper" both have causes that mean something to them -- gay marriage rights and Christianity -- but the fact of the matter is, marriage (gay or straight) is a luxury without the basics like food, health, and shelter. And one key food or water shortage or natural/man-made disaster will eclipse all other issues pretty damn quickly.

No, there is something purposely stirring up passions in the media in order to distract the public and break them up into warring factions filled with hate. If we need a physical representation of this something, especially in regards to the current situation, we could do no better than:


Donald Trump is the poster child for the real winner in all these debates and fusses. He gets to have it both ways, is a pal of both Hilton & Prejean, and enjoys the fruits of the controversy. What side is Trump on, anyway? Is he for or against gay marriage? The fact is, he is far, far outside the sphere where these topics are relevant. He is too busy making money. Him, Rupert Murdoch, all of them. How can Fox be connected to the ultra-liberal "Simpsons" and the ultra-conservative Fox News? Mega Media goes wherever the wind blows. And many -- though certainly not all -- of the most opinionated pundits on both sides of the fence also go where the wind blows.


And when the dust clears, there is you, and you, and you, and you and me. Different opinions perhaps, but facing similar issues of life-and-death, death-and-taxes, and life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. This is The Way It Is.

But you know, in a sense it's best that we have the Hiltons and Prejeans and Limbaughs and Sykeses of the world, because they are pressure-release valves for the masses. But I much rather prefer true entertainment being the pressure-valve of the masses -- TV, movies, video games, comic books. Because when you use real-life sensitive issues with real-life people to inflame public opinion in order to drive up website hits and ratings, people could get hurt. Debates over topics like gay marriage should be conducted in rational, round-table discussion fashion, far more "PBS" than Perez or Limbaugh. But PBS -- who watches that boring stuff? The people want something more along the lines of Professional Wrestling. And by gum, they sure as hell are getting it!


And this is pretty much what John Lennon and Ozymandias were talking about, except the former just threw it out there as a concept and the latter came up with a workable plan. But Ozymandias formulated his particular plan because he felt that humans were ultimately stupid beasts that needed to be dragged by the nose from one spectacle to another, always needing something to focus on and hate. Is that true? Or can we reject the bread-and-circuses on our own and work towards a better world together, rather than wait for the squid-monster to do it for us?

Bread:

Circus:

Sign up for my free serialized eBook CONSPIRACY! and read a frothy tale full of hyperbole and nonsense.

Media Pirates!

Ok, now I understand the fascination the mainstream news outlets have had with pirates over the last several months. It's all just subliminal conditioning to prejudice us against...digital pirates! Aha! Pirates = Bad. We must wash away that pop-culturally conditioned connection between pirates and Johnny Depp, and think of these swashbuckling rogues -- of the high seas and torrenting kind -- as bonafide villains.

According to the New York Times, the rise of e-readers has intensified the pirating of best-selling novels, royally cheesing some authors like Ursula K. Le Guin off. Other writers like Stephen King comfort themselves by believing that the unauthorized downloaders of his work "... live in basements floored with carpeting remnants, living on Funions and discount beer."

I have no doubt in my mind that had I the talent and/or following of a Le Guin or King, I most likely would be by degrees annoyed and/or angry too. However, the rise in cheap or free online reading material -- and the ease by which a prospective author can not only deliver their work to the masses but promote it as well -- make this system perfect for a person like me who is just starting out and wants to experiment. Digital books are to me is what radical newsletters bummed off of somebody's mimeograph machine at work must have been 40 years ago. I could succeed or fail, but at the very minimum I have gotten my rocks off and put the damn thing out there.

Which finally brings us to both Harlan Ellison and Cory Doctorow, who are also interviewed in the NYT article.

Ellison on people who steal his work and put it online:

"If you put your hand in my pocket, you’ll drag back six inches of bloody stump..."

and Doctorow:

"I really feel like my problem isn’t piracy...It’s obscurity.”

Who is right? Here we have two men who have sprung from two entirely different systems of media acquisition and publication. As Doctorow himself admits, he probably needs a little more "push" publicity-wise by making his work available to the masses for free (with the option to buy the hardcopy) than someone like Ellison does. Ellison is still operating from the old framework, which worked great for him all these many years and has made him world-famous. On the other side of the coin, there are probably a number of younger readers who have heard of Doctorow but not Ellison. Whose work and rep will stand the test of time?

Sign up for my free serialized eBook mailing list and receive a sense of satisfaction knowing that you are on the cutting edge of the digital age and sticking it to "The Man."

EDIT: uh, the eBook mailing list is for my work, not that of Le Guin, King, and Ellison; though that would be pretty funny if I did offer illegal Kindle chapters of like J.K. Rowling stuff for free out in the open like that. "Valerie's Illegal eBook Club."

EDIT: No, of course not, that wouldn't be funny at all.

IMPORTANT: Open Call!!!

Friends, Countrypersons, Romans:

I am currently looking for the most tasty & outrageous comic book and/or related pop-cultural:

• interview ideas
• tips
• hints
• news
  
• previews

for a legitimate and fast-approaching online endeavour for which I shall be recompensed with a comparable rate for the work I put in.

Note: when I say "outrageous," not too outrageous, as I am one with a delicate constitution and shy away from controversy.

Please email me with such information that you feel might be apropos.

If you need inspiration as to the tone and substance of journalism desired, please reference:


Thank you and have a great day.

ATTN: FLORIDA SWAMPWATER LIST

Thank you for your overwhelming response. I don't have time to message each person today to confirm receipt of your email, but rest assured your chapters will arrive this Thursday.

To get on the Florida Swampwater list, please email and request.

Hivevaginaphobia

The Hive Vagina Queen -- she may take your soul!

An interesting article in the New York Times today about women who bully and consciously hold back other women in the workplace. Among the points brought up:

• Because of the perceived lack of higher-ranking jobs for females, competition between women becomes more fierce, and some women might feel the need to hold other women back.
  
• Women might be seen by other women as "softer targets" to bully in the workplace than men.
• Some women might feel the need to be less nurturing and more gruff in the workplace, afraid of being pegged as a "typical female" by male supervisors and co-workers.
• There is less of a feeling of bonding by gender in the workplace -- at least among women. (I mean have you ever heard of the "Good Ol' Girls Network?")
  

To elaborate on this last point, I present two quotes from the article:

“We believe that a sense of pride in women’s accomplishments is important in getting women to help one another...to have this sense of pride, women need to be aware of their shared identity as women.”

But --

In the workplace, however, it is unlikely that women will constantly think of themselves as members of one group...They will more likely see themselves as individuals, as they are judged by their performance.

In the most extreme cases, some women might erupt in outright hostility against the idea of bonding through shared female gender. I call this reaction "The Fear of the Borg Vagina," also known as hivevaginaphobia.

Victim of the Hive Vagina

Hivevaginaphobia is the irrational fear of being thought of as part of a group defined by the female gender in any way. So if a marketer tries to make a book line specifically geared towards females, the woman suffering from hivevaginaphobia might get very angry and say: "stop trying to push me into the hive vagina! I am not a set of chromosomes, I am a free woman -- er, I mean, a free person!"

I am quite familiar with the women & "mom" blogging community. It is one of the niches I make it a point to know well for my "day job" work. What you have essentially in this community are literally thousands upon thousands of websites and blogs by and for women. I never really see an outcry against these sites on the basis of hivevaginaphobia or some "pigeonholing" of material geared towards women. I never read an online commentator complain that these sites are "ghettoising" the female Internet community by branding themselves as women's sites. These are sites made for and frequented by women, and many are so-called "women-themed" (design, topics, the very site names used). In fact, I've seen data that indicate "women's sites" are one of the fastest-growing and popular niches online, period. They are the Holy Grail of advertisers. Far from being a ghetto, they are only expanding, and expanding their mighty influence.

Women attacking other women is a real "turn on"

Actually, the biggest place I see hivevaginaphobia is in the comic book community. And I think that goes back to the beginning of this post, and the point of the New York Times article. A traditionally male industry, a perceived lack of high-level jobs, fear of being pegged as a "typical female," seeing fellow female co-workers as "soft targets," and the tendency to abandon group bonding based on gender for individualist striving.

There is also the highly seductive "only woman in the room" scenario, common in the comic book industry, in which a female gets (or perceives that she's getting) extra attention and validation by her male co-workers and supervisors because she is literally the only woman in the room. This mindset can work hand-in-hand with hivevaginaphobia. The female may also believe that by proving she is "cool" and "just one of the guys," her job position will be even more secure. Such a woman may conveniently "not see" any sexism whatsoever in her daily workplace, or among her peers. And by publicly declaring that no sexism exists, she is "good." She has hit the requisite soft targets, potentially lessened her competition, and her place in the highly competitive world which is teh comic books is secure -- or so she perceives.

Which one will come out on top as "only woman in the room?"

However, in reality, the list is long of "only women in the room" in the comic book industry who are used up like Kleenex and left on the side of the road. I distinctly remember one of these women being accidentally locked out of the 6th floor of DC Comics, the door shutting a little bit too quickly, her looking desperately out the window and banging her little fist into the glass for somebody to notice her and let her in. She was a darling of her almost all-male circle, a party girl, a "cool" girl. She became persona non grata there in what, six months, a year? Where was the loyalty? Where could she turn to for any sort of sympathy or understanding? And there are others: exiled, defamed, laughed about. Best-case scenario, you are a martyr. Worst-case scenario, you are remembered as a slut (whether you "put out" or not). I always like to believe that had I indeed "put out" at DC Comics when the "opportunity" had presented itself, I'd be writing or even editing a book like Superman or Batman now. Then again, I would also probably have herpes.

But the irony in all this is that I still can't figure out whether this post would be considered Liberal or Conservative -- feminist or anti-feminist. Surely promoting solidarity among women is a subversive, "Lefty," feminist sort of act. Paradoxically, the very fact that I insinuate women should support other women could be interpreted as anti-feminist, because I am "pigeonholing" women by virtue of their inherent biology. I think the only thing I know for sure is that some people just like to be pissed off about something; that is the only truism, the only constant. All else is subjective.

"If you give away your premium content for free, you are basically...signing your own death warrant"

Hulu is kicking American Idol's ass, and honestly I couldn't be happier. This article explains why some TV execs are now afraid of Hulu. One quote in particular struck me:

"If you give away your premium content for free, you are basically hastening your own demise, signing your own death warrant," said Laura Martin, a media analyst with Soleil-Media Metrics.

I've heard other people say otherwise. But only one side can really be right -- so which one is it?

As an aside, I recently tried to watch on Hulu the classic 1978 film "Moment by Moment," featuring Lily Tomlin and a young John Travolta in a May/December romance. The movie had the standard Hulu commercial interruptions -- in this case, the same anti-smoking PSA featuring close-up pics of flesh horribly eaten away by cancer. These periodic commericials made it hard to get into all the pre-Lifetime romantic cheese the film had to offer me, and eventually I had shut it off. Then I watched American Idol.

Let's Play A Game

This is a game that keeps me motivated to write, helps me finish up a bunch of half-finished stories and premises I have littering up the computer, and forces me to come up with fast content on a regular basis. You, teh reader, benefit (or not).

Every Thursday I will send out an update to an email list of whatever original story (fiction or non-fiction) I am serializing. This will be a free PDF, and consist of anywhere from one to several chapters. When a story is finished being serialized, you will have a book (or short story, novella, etc). These stories will be covered under a Creative Commons License, that will give you permission to electronically distribute the work as long as you credit it me, etc.

The current novel being serialized is called CONSPIRACY! You can read about it here, with an excerpt here. CONSPIRACY! is eight chapters in so far.

The next update for CONSPIRACY! is Thursday, May 14th, and will consist of three chapters.

To get on the mailing list, email me here. Those who have already emailed me for CONSPIRACY! should have (or shortly have) the first 8 chapters; new list members will get all eleven chapters at the next update.

The name of this email list will be called THE FLORIDA SWAMPWATER LIST; once you become a member of this list, you will feel like an awesome human being. There is no guarantee regarding the genre or subject matter of each story or work. Unless otherwise noted, assume these works are for mature readers only.

Power Girl Comfort Food

I'm still occasionally asked about what my feelings are regarding DC's -- read: the DC Universe's -- current output of comic books. I honestly have no feeling on the issue or regarding their specific titles. Outside of "there is a bunch of Green Lantern comics where they all have color-coded lanterns," I really don't know anything about their current continuity nor do I feel any great desire to. I heard something where they're going to bring back every dead superhero or something like that. Is that true? Well, why not? Properties like Batman are pretty much the walking dead anyway, suspended in a corporate limbo where they can't really change (only die once in a while).

Are there any new stories under the sun? Where is the incentive when there are so many people willing to be lulled into comfort by old stories? Change is pain, and who needs pain when you're struggling just to pay your bills? The big proponents of Change and Adventure can often afford to indulge in such life-enrichment; all else can get their KFC vouchers from Oprah and play back the same old comforting stories. "Batman dies." "Batman comes back." Let's tell this secret origin one more time. Let's commemorate and replay that crucial moment in dozens of different formats and media -- TV shows, video-games, action figures.

If you want a DC comic that contains new ideas, then you buy something like Vertigo's Air. The fact that there has to be a separate imprint for comic books with new ideas is pretty telling of how the market goes. Power Girl is going to pull in way more money than Air, though both books feature female protagonists. Power Girl is comfortingly familiar. Even criticism of Power Girl is comfortingly familiar. Where would any Power Girl-related comic be without the same complaints like a broken record regarding the way her body is drawn and her costume designed? Love her or hate her, everyone is comforted by the familiar.

Here's my version of Power Girl: she's living her life, wearing this boob-costume, but deep down she hates herself. But she's afraid to change the costume because of branding issues. It's hard enough to get ahead in the superhero biz as a woman, and there are a lot of younger superheroines around to take her place. Then one day, after binge-drinking a la "Superman III" ("Do you know who I am (snurf) I'm fucking Power Girl, that's who! Goddammit!"), she decides to change her costume anyway and cover her boobs up. Now here is the funky part: once her boobs are covered, she becomes invisible. I mean: literally invisible. Nobody sees her anymore. Like an enchantment. At the end of the issue -- or, if you want to drag it out (and you're in mainstream comics, so you probably do), the first arc -- she learns that it's better to be who you are if who you are is well-known and everybody likes you.

On another note, that Adam Hughes cover only bothers me in the sense that here you have what we assume is a pretty dire situation on a high-rise. In fact, the way the shot is composed, it looks a little like 9/11. Dozens of firemen -- who don't have super-powers, but are totally risking their mortal lives anyway -- are on the scene. Here comes Power Girl, stripping down to her boob-costume. She looks like Carol Channing ready to burst into a rendition of "I Got Rhythm." I mean, she looks deliriously happy. Really, is this the face you'd make right before possibly discovering charred bodies in elevator shafts:


I think part of art direction is to look at covers like this and not be the PC-police and cover boobies, but to ask yourself if the cover makes any sense at all. This cover makes no fucking sense. It's like posing a Vargas girl in the middle of Pearl Harbor.













"Oh boy! This is my chance to shine and be a real superhero and everything!"

Exclusive Webcomic: "The Secret To Eternal Life"

By Eric Schultz & Tiffany Kamerman.
Click image for larger size, email here to order a copy.

Thoughts on Creating Living Text

Living text = vital, out there, accessible, mutable.

Plastic, living text.


It's like I spent a good 20 years writing shit, and guarding it. Three years ago, thawed some of it out, tried to make it all "Hollywoody." Rewrote stuff. Every story was revisioned as teen digest a la Minx. I had a story about incestuous psychic aliens, turned it into a Claire Danes movie. Oh I'm sorry, that's too dated: rather, a Lindsey Lohan movie. Oh I'm sorry, that's too dated: rather, a Miley Cyrus movie.

Now, I'm going balls-out.

That's it.


I mean, not with everything. But with some of these stories, like CONSPIRACY!, I'm just liberating them and getting them out. For good or for ill, whatevs. CONSPIRACY!, I rewrote as a quirky romantic comedy. I mean: ha ha fucking ha.


Anyway, thanks to all that inquired, your eight chapters should be in your inbox.

CONSPIRACY: "Fetish Comics, It's The Future"

I was going over the chapters of my novel "CONSPIRACY!" and this excerpt seemed apropos for the comic book fan. Actually, reading it again, I'm shocked at how brutal it is.

John Byrne makes a cameo.

BTW, I'm almost done formatting the novel through Chapter Eight, and will have the whole chunk available as a free PDF soon. Please email if you want to be on the list.

From "CONSPIRACY!" Chapter Five:

The Con took place in the gymnasium of a Catholic School, and the interior had that musty smell of wet granite and parochial school textbooks from the 50s. Tables were set up in a concentric fashion: the one giant circle around the perimeter of the room consisted of dealer’s tables; the smaller circle were made up of a half-dozen publishers; and in the middle of the room was the crown jewel of the Con: John Byrne himself. Most of the conventioneers were either standing in line for a Byrne autograph or waiting for portfolio reviews with the companies. How I envied the carefree days when I could have simply waited for the autograph, bought a few stacks from the quarter bins, and called it a day. But from this day forward Byrne was a potential rival for jobs, and I could no longer indulge in the simple joys of the comic book because when I looked at one all I could see was business business business. These were the cold facts that I would have to live with if I wanted to be a Professional. Childhood’s End.

The Dixie Comics line was the longest for portfolio review, but since they were the biggest company at the Con it was well worth the investment of my time. Regardless, about ten minutes into waiting I regretted not buying some reading material beforehand. All I could do was observe, and observing was no good because all it did was spur me on to think. A lot of inconvenience and suffering in this world, in my estimation, could have been avoided by the prevention of excess thought. Take my fellow artists on the line, for instance. To be idle and to observe and to think naturally would lead my mind to comparisons between them and me, Them and Me.

I tried to figure out how good an artist they were just by the mere sight of the creatures, by the hair on their heads and the gait of their walk. A terrible, choking competitiveness seized me, as I noted the sheer numbers of people on this line and others, so many of the Blessed, could it be really possible that they were all Blessed? Such numbers only created the certainty of failure, failure for somebody, failure for most. Because I knew that Entertainment was not the Great Democracy. And I wondered if the Illuminati would deign to find the comic book industry a worthy enterprise for infiltration.

My line passed directly in front of a publisher of porn comics, and me and the Others could not help but gawk at their wares. The vilest of American-made psuedo-manga, school-girls suspended in the air by multi-pronged demons with Mickey Mouse eyes, big-titted fairies in SS uniforms fucking each other up the ass with dildos in the shape of Kermit the Frog, anthropomorphic ibexes dressed in crotchless Star Trek uniforms 69ing each other in a weightless orgy in space...to think that a rich tradition of graphic storytelling pioneered by the Ancient Mayans and given the breath of life by Al Capp could have sunk to this level of depravity!

And by far the worst of it, the most despicable and evil perversion of the four-color medium, had to be the bondage comics. What sort of sick fucks could get off on seeing women tied-up and abused, being reduced to buckets for cum-deposit or human chaise lounges, the fodder for their puerile malformed sexual fantasies of domination? I frankly didn’t know how Dixie Comics could stand being in close proximity to such an organization, albeit only for a day–A DAY WAS TOO LONG, in my opinion. I was embarrassed for my industry.

“My Industry” -- I took stock of the panorama of the Con, warts and all, and said to myself: My Industry. It was finally happening. I was taking that crucial first step. This was the answer to all my failures in life -- I never wanted to take that first step and commit myself. The power really was in my hands, not in some capricous, mocking God. Ms. Albana was right -- I had to stop blaming other people. I never really went out there and tried. And even if I didn’t get that first assignment today, even if all I managed to do was gain a mere toe-hold in the doorway of the comic book world -- it would be something to build from.

“Fetish comics, it’s the future,” said a faraway voice. It came from a short, walleyed man in his 50s in a beige overcoat that was standing near me, an overstuffed shopping bag mended with cellophane tape in each hand. At first I thought he was on the portfolio line but he wasn’t.

“Who...me? You’re talking to me?” I asked in the polite hopefulness that he was mistaken, gesturing vaguely towards my chest.

“That’s where the money is. Superhero comics, a very limited market. Not like the war years. Even girls were reading then. But now: it’s just a nostalgia racket, quaint like a repro’ed Munsters lunchbox. You can’t build empires upon such a principle, and you can’t cross oceans. Bring Superman to the Middle East, they’ll think he’s a fag. And worse than a fag, they’ll think he’s a puppet for the Great Imperialist Satan. I mean, look at him: red, white and blue spandex, a total yahoo cheerleading faggot for apple pie and Perry Como. And don’t get me started on Captain America, though at least he’s fucking honest about who he is and what ideology he was fighting for. But Superman? Uberman. Batman...Devilman. They’re think we’re fucking crazy overseas, and all they’re really buying from us is Andy Sidaris movies and cancer. But fetish porn–that’s the universal language my friend. Everybody acts so normal and pious in this country but the truth is, most of us are fucked up by our mothers. Even when the mothers are good women and trying not to cut our pecker with safety sicissors so we don’t stroke it in public, we still get fucked up, because mothers can never provide us with want we ultimately, primally need -- which is complete osmosis into the host body. That’s what we want. We’re never going to get it. We’re constantly raising up our eyes to those pendulous, holy tits we never forgot from our earliest moments on this earth, and we’re constantly getting our hands slapped away. Is there no redress in a civilized society for such a consistent frustration of our basic impulses? Yes there is my friend -- it’s safe, it’s plentiful, and it’s disease-free. Fetish Porn. In fact, fetish porn is the foundation of the entire graphic medium. Check out the histories of the major comics publishers -- built on the backs of gentleman’s magazines and lurid pulps chock full of bondage and the limpid, half-obscured titties of imaginary WASPy broads that would never in reality date neither the artist nor reader and thus needed to be taken down a peg or two. Ever read old Wonder Woman stories? They thought that shit was normal back then. We were all reading it. My dick never got so hard than with those classic comics: Phantom Lady, Black Cat, Marvel Mystery Comics, Jungle Comics. There is something so goddamn erotic about pre-PC fetish porn, whether it be Irving Klaw or a Mike Grell Legion of the Superheroes cover. But those days are gone forever, I guess. So we’ve traded our respectability and secret thrills for a multi-million dollar industry. Now I can get anything I want. The choices are unlimited. The demand is unlimited. The growth is unlimited. Yes indeed: fetish porn is certainly the future -- and some might say even savior -- of the comic book industry.”

“Um...why are you telling me this?”

“You’re not Sal Mendoza?”

*** *** ***

The editor doing the review seemed like a jolly, red-faced, friendly-looking sort of very heavy-set man, wearing a huge black polo shirt with the Dixie Comics logo and a graphic of their flagship character, The Thickness, tastefully embroidered onto the pocket. I noticed that he spent a long time with each artist, going over each page of art, making comments, and giving some kind of paper to take back with them -- so I could tell it wasn’t going to be a rush-job or a gyp or anything. As I stepped up to the table, barely able to restrain my hands from shaking as I unzipped the portfolio, I tried to cast out halcyon dreams of comic book stardom from my mind and look at things from a realistic perspective. Realistically, I probably wouldn’t get an immediate assignment from this. He might even think that I needed work on a couple of areas before he could hire me, and send me back with instructions to work on my drapery or hair textures or something. Yes, that was the more realistic thing.

“Hi, I-I’m Tod Moriens...a big fan of your company. I buy The Thickness and all the comics in the Thickness family every month...”

The portly man smiled and looked back at two twenty-somethings that were sitting further back within the bowels of the booth, amongst stacks of comics and empty pizza boxes. They both wore black polo shirts with the Dixie Comics logo and a graphic of their flagship character The Thickness tastefully embroidered on the pocket.

“You hear that? We got a Thickness fan here...gimmie a button.”

One of the twenty-somethings looked up sleepily from a comic book he was reading, took a quick sip out of a giant soft-drink container, fished something out from the big plastic bag he had between his legs, and tossed it at the man.

“Heads-up, chief!”

The man tried to catch the metal disc between his meaty palms but it skidded off the tops of his fingers and made a bee-line for the bridge of my nose.

“Agh!”

“You ok there, kid?”

I pressed my hand against my nose and quickly brought my fingers back into my vision so I could see if I had bled. It smarted like a motherfucker but there was only a very thin, watered-down sheen of blood.

“I-I’m going to be fine...”

“Kee-fuckin-Rist,” the man bellowed at the assistant in such a loud tone it made the muscles on my nose involuntarily spasm, “do you know what you just did? You almost took this guy’s eye out! Gimmie some ice!”

The twenty-something turned pale and stumbled off of his seat, running towards his boss with the soft-drink container.

“Uh, we got nothing left in the cooler...”

The man rolled his eyes at the assistant’s feeble attempt to hand him the container, made a grab for it just as the young man pulled it away, then became angrier and let out a growl as he grabbed the wet cardboard cylinder away from him, tore off the top, gingerly grabbed the ice with his big fingers, and dropped them in a mylar comic bag. He folded down the top of the bag and handed it to me.

“Here, it’ll stop the swelling.”

“T-there’s swelling?” I asked nervously, suddenly becoming very self-conscious of my appearance.

“What? No...no, there’s hardly any swelling...no, you’re fine...”

“Well, I-I just wanted to show you some drawings I did...”

“Yeah, just–just wait a minute, alright? Calm down for a second, I gotta do the Protocol...”

I pressed the bag against my nose and looked at the table where my portfolio lay, unopened. Near it was the button, a black metal button with the Dixie Comics logo and a graphic of their flagship character The Thickness tastefully lithographed upon its surface. The man was furiously punching tiny keys on his cellphone, his neck looking like a sinewy chunk of beef with a timebomb lodged in it.

“Yes, give me Legal...yeah, hi, I have a situation here, where one of my assistants accidently beaned a fan on the nose with a button...yes...yes...no he looks ok...a little blood...yes...yes...no, he doesn’t seem angry...no, I don’t think he would....no...right...yeah, I don’t think he would, doesn’t seem the type...yeah, uh-uh...uh-uh...ok...ugh, really (shit!), ok. Ok. The yellow form? Ok. Ok. (Fuck!) Ok. Ok. Gotcha. Ok. All right. All right. Ok. Bye.”

The man’s face achieved a color of purple that I only saw on corpses on A&E’s Cold Case Files. He clicked off the phone and called out to his assistants: “I need the yellow form! And a nice book! Do we got a nice book for this gentleman?”

Soon I was facing a legal-sized yellow document with a pink carbon behind it. It smelt good like those carbony papers usually did. It was entitled, “Liability and Silence.” It said basically that I wouldn’t sue Dixie Comics because of the incident with the button, no matter what injuries unforseen may emerge as a result of said incident down the line. Further, I would agree to never mention the incident to any media organization, comic industry employee, retailer, fan, or other member of the classification homo sapiens-sapiens that I might have the chance to have a meaningful relationship with.

I was perplexed. As I usually was with legal forms. Perplexed and paranoid. Income tax forms, voter ID cards, credit card applications–all those things gave me the willies. I was always afraid I was going to either sign my life away or put in some wrong data and go to jail. That’s why I had H&R Block do my taxes, avoided voting, and never owned a credit-card.

But it just didn’t seem an auspicious start to my comic book penciling career to sue the company I wanted to work for. Besides, the idea of bringing a lawsuit against the home of “America’s Most Beloved and Familiar Superhero,” The Thickness, seemed downright rude. And I didn’t see the fuss anyway, I got hit by falling debris all the time. I was sure some asshole out there would have jumped on the chance to suck that company dry. I mean, that’s how people get successful all the time, by being assholes and taking advantage of a situation. However, I was no asshole -- I was a man of integrity. And I was sure that was a quality that would be duly noted and perhaps even benefit my career in some way. Like the remover of the thorn from the lion’s paw.

The assistant handed me a signed and numbered leather-bound edition of “The Thickness: A Marriage Made In Malt,” reprinting that famous story arc where The Thickness finally tied the knot with his long-time love Barren Ovaries. The cover was black and had the Dixie Comics logo and a graphic of their flagship character The Thickness tastefully embossed in the dead cow-hide.

I signed the Liability document in my neatly-delineated cursive: “Tod Moriens.”

Then the editor boomed: “Next!”

*** *** ***

After straightening out a little misunderstanding whereby the editor thought he had already seen my portfolio, he started to see my portfolio. And what a pro! The way he expertly looked at each page, running his hairy, cigar-like finger over certain points, counting off certain unknown, arcane elements with his head. I racked my brains trying to figure out his poker face -- here a smile, there a frown. Following each page, I felt as if I was being given a quick refresher course in all the events of my adult life. Every pin-up and story fragment contained within it the feel and flavor of the time in which it was written: meeting Kim, knocking Kim up, marrying Kim, Kim giving birth to Beowulf, divorcing Kim, Kim dating other men, Kim going steady, Kim getting remarried, Googling Kim, accidently bumping into Kim at a “Garden Of Eat-In” near her apartment and her not recognizing me even though she was looking right in my face...

Yes, it was all there.

*** *** ***

“You have quite a portfolio here.”

“Thanks.”

“What are your plans?”

“My plans? Well...I’m pretty much open right now. I’m up for anything.”

“Do you have a job?”

“A day job? Yeah, it’s just something I’m doing in the meantime, you know, until.”

“Well...some editors take like 30 seconds to look at a portfolio, give a fan a bullshit story, and send them blissfully on their way. But I don’t do that. I look at everything that’s given to me. And I judge things in a rational, objective manner. I feel you deserve it -- it’s how I give back to the community.”

“Ok, no problem...I like honesty. I myself am a very honest person.”

“That’s good. It’s a good trait to have. Some people don’t like honesty. You’re honest with them and next thing you know they’re all up about your ass, talking trash, calling you “the meanest guy in comics” and all that.”

“I can truly say that you’ll find nothing like that from me...you can be as blunt as you want. Whatever criticisms you have -- I’m honored to hear. It’s going to make me a better artist.”

“Tab,”

“Tod.”

“Ted, you will never be a better artist than you are now.”

“Oh...thanks!”

“No, no, what I mean to say is: you’ve reached a certain level of development as an artist. I’ve seen this all the time. Some artists, you look at their stuff when they’re young and you can see -- literally see -- the potential lying there. You say to yourself: “damn, imagine this guy when he’s got a year’s worth of regular sequential art behind him.” Other artists, you can just tell that this is the best they can do. It goes beyond “working on” certain inadequacies in the art, taking a class, studying a book. Some people just have “it,” the mysterious undefinable It -- and It can’t be taught or studied or achieved without “It” being there all along. Your art is passable -- I’m sure among your group of friends or in high-school you were considered talented. Your art teacher in eighth-grade thought that you were wonderful and you were the only one among your school buddies to be able to draw Wolverine. Maybe you even did a few neat cover repros, some short stories featuring characters you made up yourself. And so you thought you would become a professional comic book artist -- you thought this because you hadn’t the benefit of anybody with any tangible link to the industry whatsoever look at your work and tell you otherwise. And so you might have spent...how old are you? Thirty-five?”

“I turn 31 this year,” I croaked.

“So let’s say you’ve spent ten years, your adult life, thinking this was going to be your career. And so you didn’t plan anything else out for your life -- never pursued seriously any subjects other than art in school, never even got training in computers, a skill, a trade...you live the life of “an artist,” an artist-to-be, looking for his big break. What you need to do now, you need to find a skill. Because the competition in comics is hard enough as it is, even for the really talented. Too few companies, too few comics, too few sales -- and tons of “artists-to-be.” Everybody wants to be a comic book artist. I never met a comic fan yet who didn’t want to be an artist or writer. And only the best get a shot, that’s how it works in a democracy. And then even then -- you have to have connections. You have to have connections! There, I’ve said it. You need to network, to hustle, to be a real go-getter. If you have all this, maybe, if there’s an opening, you get a shot. And even if you get a shot, it don’t mean nothing, you could be unemployed the next month. And even if you get a regular gig -- unless you’re really a superstar, you’re not going to make a tremendous amount of money. And you are nowhere near the level of any of this, to even do a fill-in, because you just don’t have “It.” You can see it in the hands, a tell-tale sign. Your hands look like dead birds. You just don’t “get” hands. Hands can’t be taught. So my advice to you is: choose another career. Draw in your spare moments as a hobby, as a lark, impress your friends–but do not make this your career. Your artistic talent is not enough to support a career in comics. It’s that simple. Now, I know this all sounds harsh, but I’m doing you the biggest favor anybody has ever done for you.”

And so the course of my life was set.

*** *** ***

I don’t remember much else about the Con. I was sort of in an altered state after the portfolio review. I just let myself drift into a very long line and be swept up in the crush and flow. We were like a queue of loinclothed servants & soldiers in an ancient Egyptian painting, just a repetition of arms and legs, an infinity of figures. At some point I ended up in front of John Byrne. I never did find out if he was charging for the sketches or not, but if he was he gave me a free one anyway. I guess I must have looked pretty pathetic -- my nose was swollen like a golfball and I had some dried saliva glued to the side of my chin. I guess the saliva was because I had lost the ability to close my mouth. It just hung there, slack hinge.

He asked me what character I wanted and I sort of blurted out “Machine Man.” I could hear a couple of snickers around me and Byrne himself was a little taken aback. I had apparently committed a faux-pas in coolness. But Byrne dutifully drew the awkward-looking character, skillfully rendering his chromed skull, permanently startled eyes, frozen box of a mouth.

Conspiracy!

CONSPIRACY!

"Saving the world and still being a jackass"

A serialized novel by Valerie D'Orazio

"Conspiracy!" is about a mediocre comic book artist who falls down the rabbit hole and gets involved with New Age gurus, Nazis, telekinetics, and a mysterious peddler of soft-core fetish porn. Through these experiences, he grows as a person. That's my "soft pitch," at any rate. Any pitch, as you well know, must end with "and he grows as a person."

I started writing this novel in 2004, but upon reflection it is very reminiscent of the TV show "Chuck." Only (surprise) far, far darker. I was very influenced by the conspiracy theory sub-culture when writing this, and I would say the subject matter is more relevant now than it was back then.

My frame of mind by offering this as a free serialized eBook is as follows: I subscribe to the Kilgore Trout school of writing, in that I have a massive amount of fanciful narratives stuck in my brain, with need for an outlet. Kilgore Trout was paid a pittance by a variety of soft-core porn magazines for his short stories (which weren't porn but actual science-fiction; had he written porn, he might have actually made a good living). But he got the stories out there, in the form he wanted them to -- outlet created. Sometimes, you just need to do that. Of course, sometimes you just need to write "Race To Witch Mountain," collect your paycheck, and drink heavily. The key is balance.

That said, I'm offering this eBook as a free easy-to-print easy-to-read PDF, per chapter (or series of chapters). Email here to request chapter one . Then your name will be put on a list for Florida swampwater real-estate. Just kidding. There is far more to Florida than just swampwater.

* picture by modomatic on Flickr

Just Moved Into New Apartment...

...experiencing temporary technical difficulties.

Should sort out soon!